Toby Sumpter

INTRODUCTION

As we conclude this marriage series, we finish with the apostles’ review of the central duties of husbands and wives. And as we do so, we should recall the cosmic ramifications and nuclear potential in well-ordered marriages. If marriage is one of the central reflections of the New World that Christ is ushering into existence through His love of His Bride and her growing glory, and if marriage is that place where new, immortal souls are being brought into existence under God’s blessing, then the stakes are high and love and respect are not just extraneous courtesies, but central protocols for a thriving home, church, and nation.

THE TEXT

“Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

LOVE & RESPECT

When God commands pastors to feed God’s sheep, it is a reasonable inference that the sheep need to be fed (1 Pet. 5:2). Likewise, when God commands husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, it is a reasonable inference to assume that these are particular things each one needs. As Douglas Wilson likes to say, men run on diesel, women on unleaded. And if you know anything about that metaphor, you should also know that it will not go well to mix them up. It is not wrong for a man to respect his wife or a wife to love her husband, but it is wrong to knowingly neglect that which God has specifically commanded.

Part of the challenge here is that everyone tends to give what they want, and since a woman wants to be loved, she tends to give love, and since a man wants to be respected, he tends to give respect. And this is definitely one of those places where a great deal of faith is needed because obedience to these commands frequently doesn’t make sense to the spouse commanded to give it. But obedience is always better than sacrifice (1 Sam. 15:22), and disobedience is a form of a witchcraft, trying to trick blessing out of our preferences or methods (1 Sam. 15:23).

WHAT IS LOVE?

Love is obedient, sacrificial protection and provision that results in security, beauty, and glory. “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 Jn. 5:10). C.S. Lewis says somewhere that women tend to think of love as taking trouble for someone else, while men tend to think of love as not giving trouble to someone else. This can be helpful for interpreting one another, but “taking trouble” really is closer to the biblical pattern of sacrifice.

We should underline that Christ-like love includes drawing near as Christ has done in the Incarnation – husbands must “dwell” with their wives in an understanding way (1 Pet. 3:7). Christ-like love communicates (particularly affection, security, attraction) – just as Christ has done through His Word and ministry.  Christ-like love expresses sympathy and compassion – just as Christ sympathizes with us in our weakness as our High Priest (Heb. 4:15). This covenant love is an overarching commitment to be gracious, a resolute orientation of kindness, even while leading or correcting, even in the face of opposition.

WHAT IS RESPECT?

Respect is obedient, sacrificial honor, submission, and obedience that results in wisdom, strength, and glory. A wife is instructed to adorn herself with the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that trusts in God and obeys her husband, calling him “lord” or “master” just as Sara obeyed Abraham (1 Pet. 3:5-6). Part of the reason why even many Christian wives have difficulty with the command to respect their husbands is because they do not actually think of their husbands as a true authority. There are so many jokes about who the “boss” is and to be fair, so many cowardly men, that to speak of the true authority of a husband seems almost strange or foreign. While no woman is required to marry any particular man, when she does, she is voluntarily placing herself under his authority. The husband is the head of his wife, as Christ is the head of the Church (Eph. 5:23).

Respect is full of esteem, praise, and admiration for achievements, strengths, and abilities. Respect is shown through speaking highly of him, honoring his preferences, cheerfully obeying his decisions, gracious serving his needs, and the thoughtful adorning of body and home. A wife ought to give thought to how she can best arrange the home, meals, schedules, and her own adornment in a way to bless her husband and his needs or preferences, not merely what she prefers.

CONCLUSION

The Bible does not teach that husbands should love their wives if they have been acting particularly loveable. Nor does it teach that wives should respect their husbands if they have been acting particularly respectable. No, the logic of the gospel takes personal initiative. Christ loved us when we were unlovely, and Christ submitted to authorities that were acting unjustly when we were among the unrighteous. And He did both in order to overcome evil with good. Christ-like love efficaciously bestows loveliness. And Christ-like respect and submission efficaciously bestows honor and respectability.

The stakes really are high. It is no accident that when our enemies sought to undermine the influence of Christianity in our land, they went for the jugular: marriage and marital fidelity. Marriage is the nucleus of society; it is the nuclear power of a culture. We are currently living in the nuclear fallout of splitting the marriage atom and pretending that all is well. But Christ was crucified because the curse of our rebellion is that bad, and the promise is that all who look to Him in faith will be healed, the curses of all disobedience taken away. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:9).

While this doesn’t mean that the consequences of sin are automatically eradicated, the blessing of Christ is the promise of His favor in whatever circumstances we are in. This blessing is what gives us courage to love and respect in obedience, whether it makes sense to us or not, whether it looks like it’s working or not. If we have the blessing of God, we have everything we need.

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INTRODUCTION

Our confusions surrounding marriage are legion, and therefore it is no surprise that our confusions bleed into how we raise our sons and daughters or how we think about pursuing marriage or try to function within marriage. But all of these things are related and relate back to Christ and His union with His Bride, the Church. Our theology comes out our fingertips.

THE TEXT

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31-32).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The previous verse echoed Adam’s poem regarding the glory of the first woman, his wife, affirming that we are one with Christ, “of his flesh and of his bones” (5:30). And Genesis says that it is for that reason, that a man leaves his father and mother (Gen. 2:24). Because man was made first and the woman was taken from the man to become his glory, a man leaves his father and mother (Eph. 5:31). This leaving is for the purpose of forming a new union, a new family, to become one flesh with his wife (Eph. 5:31). Paul says that “this” one-flesh union is a great mystery, but the real mystery is how this is true of Jesus and His church (Eph. 5:32).

WE ARE NOT TRIBALISTS

We are not tribalists; we are Christians. And this means that when a marriage occurs a new family comes into existence. While the fifth commandment continues to be in force when a new family is formed, the honor due takes on a new tenor. Likewise, when a man leaves his parents’ household, he is forming a new household and he no longer owes the same kind of obedience to his parents, beyond basic biblical morals or inter-familial decisions. This means that a Christian marriage honors parents while making its own decisions before God and forming new habits and customs, and this requires some measure of space. It’s a great blessing to live near our families, and in general can be something we lean toward, but co-dependent children, overbearing parents, and tribal compounds can create real familial snarls.

THE BASIC SHAPE

The basic shape of Christian courtship and marriage is that a man leaves; a woman is given. Of course sometimes a woman grows up and also leaves in a sense, but when a man leaves, he leaves to establish a direction, a mission before God. In a Christian family, a grown daughter still looks to her family for support and protection, even if she does eventually form her own household. But a woman is ordinarily looking for man on a mission to join. It is good and right for a woman to use her gifts on her own, but she is made by God to make a home and so her calling/vocation will always be subordinate to that primary instinct of nurture and hospitality.

This means that asking a woman out on a date is an interruption by design. A woman is called to cleave, to join her husband’s mission. While this does not obliterate a woman’s interests or gifts, those interests and gifts really are submitted to the mission of her husband. It is not true that a man and a woman join in marriage and then work out a joint-partnership in terms of the direction and mission of the family. This will only result in great confusion, heartache, and resentment. In an offer of marriage, a woman is being asked to join a man’s mission.

THAT PRIMAL WOUND

A woman comes into maturity biologically, but a man comes into maturity more experientially, through the “blood” of crisis and survival. This is why boys in particular must be taught to be tough from their earliest years; they must be required to fight through their pain, their hunger, their fatigue, and their sins. As boys grow up, they must be encouraged to take risks, face consequences, and not be coddled or shielded, particularly by momma bears. This is also why boys need to see their fathers “leaving” to go out into the world to work and returning faithfully with provision. They are learning to embrace that adventure.

While Adam was literally wounded by God to come into his maturity as a husband, ever since, a man is “wounded” by leaving his father and mother. A young man must embrace the sacrifice of taking responsibility for himself, for his future, acting and thinking for himself before God and facing the real life consequences of those choices. Under God’s blessing, that leaving is ordinarily the path to marriage and family and dominion, but the cursed version of leaving is abandonment. We live in a culture that is facing the increasing results of young men abandoned, particularly by their fathers. And this is why the message of the gospel is for our culture: Christ, the perfect Son, came and endured that particular curse, that God-forsaken Hell, in order to restore all the lost and estranged boys back to their Good Heavenly Father.

A GREAT MYSTERY

Paul acknowledges that this whole thing is a great mystery, and the way of a man with a maid really is too wonderful (Prov. 30:19). But Paul is quick to insist that the real mystery, the real wonder is how this union has its greatest expression in Christ and the Church. Christ left His Father on a mission to save the world, and He endured the shame and misery of the Cross, so that from His side, a new Eve, the Christian Church might be formed. But that is not all: Christ bled and died so that He and the Christian Church might be one. The really glorious mystery is that Christ is more one with His bride than any human marriage in the history of the world. We who are sinners are united to the sinless One. “For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his” (Rom. 6:5, Gal. 3:23ff).

CONCLUSION

This great mystery is not the obliteration of male and female. In Christ, the image of God is being restored and glorified, while the enmity is being crushed and destroyed. In Christ, man is restored to the glory of God, and woman is restored to the glory of man (1 Cor. 11). In Christ, men who leave their fathers and mothers are never abandoned, and they are empowered take back up the mission of God, and under His blessing, they are crowned with the glory of a wife. In Christ, husbands are strengthened to love, wives are strengthened to respect, and in so doing, the wedding feast of the Lamb comes a little closer: the New Jerusalem, coming down from God out of Heaven as a bride adorned for her husband (Rev. 19:7-9, 21:2).

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INTRODUCTION

Man is the glory of God, and woman is the glory of man (1 Cor. 11:7). And far from a demotion, that means that woman is the glory of the glory. But the Bible teaches that this glory is the result of sacrificial love. The love of Christ is at the center, driving this glory in the church until it fills the world, but husbands, in particular, are called to imitate that sacrificial love cultivating that glory in nourishing and cherishing their wives just as Christ does the church.

THE TEXT

“For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones” (Eph. 5:29-30).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Despite all the modern calls for self-care and self-esteem and self-love, the Bible teaches that people naturally love themselves just fine: no one ever really hated his own flesh (Eph. 5:29). Everyone does what they think is best for the nourishing and cherishing of themselves, even if that desire is often twisted (Eph. 5:29). That human instinct is a reflection of the Lord’s care for His church (Eph. 5:29), and we in the church are part of his body, his flesh and his bones, just like the first woman and the first man (Eph. 5:30, Gen. 2:23).

OF HIS FLESH & BONES

When Adam saw his bride he said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man” (Gen. 2:23). This appears to be the first poem in human history, and no surprise: it is a love song at the first human wedding. But what Adam says can be somewhat missed if you don’t understand Hebrew grammar. In Hebrew, the comparative is formed by saying that something is “big” or “strong” or “beautiful” from something else: it is more big/strong/beautiful than that other one. However, the superlative is formed by saying that something is the big/strong/beautiful of [all] the bigs/strongs/beautifuls (e.g. “Holy of Holies” or “Song of Songs”). When Adam says that the woman is “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” he is saying that the Woman is like him, only the best form, the best version: she is the glory of man or man glorified (1 Cor. 11:7).

In fact, in the very act of naming his wife “Woman” (Eeshah) which means something like “glory-fire,” he also gives himself a new name “glory-man” (Eesh). Up to this point in the narrative, the word for “man” has been “adam,” named after the ground (“adamah”) (Gen. 2:7). Adam is saying that in the creation of the woman and their union, the glory of the woman is so potent, it has made him shine. This is yet one more way in which a man who loves his wife, loves himself.

And here, the Bible says that the church is in that position with the Lord. We are “of his flesh and of his bones” in an analogous way, implying that Christ thinks of the church as His glory, that we make Him shine. And that is actually what was said earlier in Ephesians: “Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen” (Eph. 3:21).

NOURISH & CHERISH

Husbands are commanded to love their wives in this way: nourishing and cherishing them, as the Lord does the church, and as a man naturally cares for himself (Eph. 5:29), considering her “of our flesh and of our bones,” which therefore not only means loving her “as ourselves” but if we’re connecting all these dots, loving her “as better than ourselves.”

The word “nourish” literally means to “feed,” and “cherish” means to “keep warm.” In the following chapter, fathers are commanded to “bring up” or “nourish” in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4, cf. Gen. 47:17). And Paul uses the same word for “cherish” to describe how the apostles cared for the saints in Thessalonica like a nurse (1 Thess. 2:7). In those surrounding verses, Paul describes that cherishing as gentleness, affection, and working night and day not to be a burden and to see those saints walking worthy of God (1 Thess. 2:7-12).

At the center of this love is sacrifice: Adam was put in a deep sleep and endured the first surgery, the first bloody cut and broken bones in the history of the world (and in an unfallen world). And our Lord Jesus Christ is the new Adam who was nailed to a tree for His bride, and a spear pierced His side. As the first Eve was gloriously constructed from Adam’s bloody side and the New Church Eve is being formed from Jesus’ bloody side, so too every husband is called to that kind of sacrificial love for his bride, nourishing and cherishing her, so that she might be his glory. There is no glory apart from sacrifice. There is no crown apart from the battle.

CONCLUSION

In this way, the Bible uniformly insists that your theology comes out your fingertips. Your theology fills the air of your home, the tenor of your dining room, the aroma of your bedroom. The question is not whether but which. Is it the theology of Christ crucified for sinners or is it some bossy, manipulative, works-oriented, try-harder, or apathetic, despairing heresy?

Part of the message of Genesis 1 reiterated here is that men were made for this. God made men first, so that they might be cut first, so that they might bleed first, so that they might die first. The gospel in action is “my life for yours.” In this is love, and God made men strong so that they might go first. Lay down your pride and confess your sins. Lay down your anger and forgive gladly. Lay down your laziness, your apathy, your envy and get up and get back to work. Your King is already ahead of you.

What should Adam have done in the garden when his wife sinned? The Bible says that Adam was not deceived like Eve was, so many speculate that Adam despaired, thinking it was too late and decided to die with his wife. But we know what Adam should have done because it is what Jesus actually did. Adam should have led his wife to the Lord, taken full responsibility for the sin, and offered to die in her place. Jesus laid His life down for us, so that we might lay our lives down for one another. And men were made to lead the way.

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