Download Audio

Introduction

I want to do two things with this talk, which is probably more than the organizers had in mind, but I want to address the increasingly common claim that singleness and marriage are equally normative options for Christians and then talk about being fruitful and faithful as a man or a woman in the church. And the reason I think I need to do it this way is because there has been a heavy push in recent decades to downplay the ordinary calling to marriage and family. Sometimes articles or sermons or books come out on the potential idolatry of family and marriage or on why singleness is an equally normative option for Christians to choose, or sometimes, following this same logic, Christian couples announce that they have chosen not to have children. This topic has also become a hot button issue in the “gay-celibate” and “spiritual friendship” movement, seeking to revive some of the monastic impulses of the middle ages.

Because of the Present Distress

One of the most misunderstood and misapplied passages on this topic is 1 Corinthians 7 where Paul says, “For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: it is good for them if they remain even as I am… Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife… But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord – how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world – how he may please his wife…” (1 Cor. 7:7-9, 27, 32-33).

But nobody seems to pay very close attention to a few significant phrases: “I suppose therefore that this is good because of the present distress – that it is good for a man to remain as he is” (1 Cor. 7:26). And a few verses down: “But this I say, brethren, the time is short, so that from now on even those who have wives should be as though they had none, those who weep as though they did not weep… for the form of this world is passing away” (1 Cor. 7:29-31). Paul explicitly says that he is giving this advice because of the historical moment he was in. Jesus had actually said this as well: “But woe to those who are pregnant and to those who are nursing babies in those days!” (Mt. 24:19). What days was Jesus speaking of? He was answering the question his disciples had asked Him about when the temple would be destroyed (Mt. 24:1-2). And just in case we may be tempted to think that Jesus changed subjects at some point in the discourse, He insists that all of that judgment would come during “this generation” (Mt. 24:34). So Paul’s instructions were not for all times. They were specifically directed at the moment of cataclysmic social collapse of the Old Covenant — the form of that Old Covenant world was truly passing away and the time was short and it was going to be full of distress — and so all these things were fulfilled in 70 A.D. when Jerusalem and the Temple were destroyed, just as Jesus promised. At most, we might say that there may be an analogous application of Paul’s recommendation to remain unmarried to the guy who is called to be a missionary in North Korea.

Old & New Covenant

There is also some confusion sometimes over the nature of the transition from Old Covenant to New Covenant. One writer says, “For whereas marriage and physical procreation were the necessary means of building the physical nation of Israel, the spiritual people of God are built through the process of spiritual regeneration.” This is unfortunately only half true. It’s true that the Old Covenant centered on Israel as an ethnic people in a specific land as their inheritance, but all of that was a type and training for the New Covenant which is international and Christ’s inheritance which is now the whole world (e.g. Ps. 2, Mt. 28). Both the Old Covenant and the New Covenant have external signs and blessings and internal and eternal realities. Paul says that Abraham’s true children have always come by faith – often biologically, sometimes by adoption or profession, but always by the miraculous working of the Spirit.

So rather than seeing the Old and New Covenants as opposed at this point, we ought to see the Old Covenant as the seed form of what would grow up into the New Covenant. And therefore, the command to be fruitful and multiply, the inheritance of children and the blessing of long life in the land, and therefore the ordinary calling of a man to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and become one flesh is not merely still in force, it is still in force with the added promises and power of the gospel. This doesn’t reduce the blessings of the New Covenant to family and land because of course it includes forgiveness of sins, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and eternal life and the resurrection, but it still includes family, land, and inheritance in every land, among all people. The New Covenant takes up the basic building blocks of the Old Covenant (e.g. Acts 2:39 — the promise is to you and to your children) and expands the offer and promises and inheritance to everyone everywhere (“as many as are far off, as many as the Lord our God will call”), including those who are not yet married, those who are barren, those who for various providential reasons will not or cannot be married or bear children (cf. Is. 56:4-5).

Fruitful Men & Women

As we turn the corner and begin considering what a single person’s role in the church is, I want to look at two texts that on the surface may seem unrelated or even unhelpful. “And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived fell into transgression. Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control” (1 Tim. 2:12-15). There are several fascinating things about this text, but the one I want to focus on is the fact that Paul says that the woman will be saved in childbearing. It cannot be the case that Paul means that regeneration is literally tied to procreation since Paul is the champion of justification by faith alone, not by works, lest anyone should boast. So in what sense could Paul mean that salvation is related to childbearing? One answer could be the fact that God promised that the seed of the woman would crush the seed of the serpent, and then Mary bore the Savior of the world. Salvation did literally come through the birth of a child. Paul may be alluding to that, but I think there is more.

This leads us to our second passage: “For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror” (1 Pet. 3:5-6). The thing I want to point out to you is that word “daughters,” and the reason I want to point it out is because Sarah never had any biological daughters. In fact, for most of Sarah’s life she was barren, and then at the very end of her life, she had one child, a son, Isaac. But Peter says that Sarah is still bearing children, as women imitate her obedient, fearless faith. So I believe this is what Paul has in mind as well: women are saved by a maternal-shaped faith that continues in faith, love, holiness, with self-control.

Pulling these two texts together, I want to insist that marriage and childbearing is the normal calling for most people, but in the absence of marriage and/or biological children, God still calls women to be fruitful mothers and homemakers, as “they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.”

And we can make a similar argument for men from the way the Bible describes fatherhood. Yes, it is centrally the act of begetting biological children via marriage, but Timothy was Paul’s beloved son in the Lord (1 Cor. 4:17), and he lamented the fact that the Corinthians did not have more fathers in the faith (1 Cor. 4:15). And of course Abraham is the father of all the faithful. All men are called to a masculine-shaped faith and obedience that the Bible broadly describes as fatherhood.

No Place for Singles, Only Men & Women, Fathers & Mothers

The point I want to make is that there is no gender-neutral place for “singles” in the church. But there are necessary and crucial roles for men and women in the church, and those roles are broadly described under the headings of fatherhood and motherhood, or what we might call a masculine-shaped holiness and service and a feminine-shaped holiness and service.

Men, your glory is your strength – particularly physical and emotional strength. You are good at concentrating on particular problems and creating solutions. You are good at trying and failing, trying something else and failing again, and finally succeeding. This is why most entrepreneurs are men. Use your strength sacrificially for the good of the world. Start a business, start a ministry, start a podcast, invent something, build something, give away whatever God has given you an abundance of, serve wherever you see needs. But think big and think long term. Think of leaving something behind, an inheritance, a legacy, something that matters.

Women, your glory is your beauty and your ability to give life. You make homes. The central sign of this reality is the fact that God gave you a uterus. The uterus is a small home inside of you designed by God to make a human being. Whatever God has for you, He has put that inside of you to tell you what you’re for. You make people. But don’t just think of that as a biological thing, though no doubt most of you will one day do that. But think of motherhood and homemaking as the task of ministering life to the world: serving, loving, giving, blessing, feeding, teaching, organizing, communicating, making beautiful things, music, art, clothing, food – these are essential tasks for giving life to people, of making people. Think big and long term. Be fruitful in every way, and do not pretend to be competing with men. Never be ashamed of being a woman.

“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ” (Col. 3:23-24).

Don’t Be Proud or Have Higher Standards than God
I want to apply this to how you serve now: cleaning up, setting up chairs, running a sound booth, taking pictures, helping with little ones, cleaning homes, chopping wood, sending encouraging notes, praying for needs, giving tithes and offerings, working hard, practicing hospitality and evangelism. If Christ calls you to the task, the task is dignified by His calling.

I also want to apply this to how you pray for and pursue a spouse. Have biblical standards and never compromise them and seek out biblical accountability, but don’t let your pride get in the way of seeking a spouse. Many human standards need to thrown away. What does God say makes a good spouse? What do your parents think? Your preferences or romantic imaginations may be getting in the way.

Conclusion

I want to be clear: the ordinary calling of men and women is to marry, bear children, and build families under the blessing of God as a central means of building the Kingdom of God. But through various providences, God sometimes calls men and women to temporary or lifelong singleness, and when God does this, He does it for His good purposes and for the good and blessing of the Church, and for your good and blessing, so that you might exercise your fatherly and motherly gifts in the body.

Read Full Article

Download Audio

Introduction

In some ways this talk and my talk this afternoon about singles in the church are two sides of the same coin. Please consider this talk and the next talk as going together. Apply what I say in this talk to that one and vice versa.

By Grace Through Faith

We are Christians, and so we want to think and act like Christians in every area of life. This includes how we think about, plan, and execute our dealings with members of the opposite sex. But it’s one thing to say we ought to do this, and another thing entirely to actually do it. Another way to say this is that you want all of your relationships to be by grace through faith. “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:8-10).

Some of the good works that God has prepared beforehand include activities, friendships, Bible studies, worship, dates, courtships, and marriage to a member of the opposite sex. But the only way your relationships will be part of that work of art – created in Christ Jesus – is if they are pursued by grace through faith, which means completely surrendered to Christ. All of our problems are caused by ignoring Christ entirely or else beginning with Christ and then adding our own wisdom/works to the equation at some point. Paul recognized this temptation with the Galatians: “If you have begun by the Spirit, will you now be made perfect by the flesh” (Gal. 3:3)?

Crucify the Flesh (Hate Impurity)

Your own wisdom/works apart from walking by grace through faith will inevitably be full of your flesh. The word flesh doesn’t necessarily mean “physical body” or “sexual” (although it can), but rather it refers to the principles of the Fall that remain in believers (mind, body, and spirit). Before getting to some of the practical particulars about navigating life between the sexes, we need to understand how high the stakes are. We live in a culture that is deeply divided, and the divide is widening by the day, between those who are loyal to the world as God actually made it and is redeeming it and those who want to re-make the world according to their own whims and lusts. While for many decades this war has been waged under the guise of “freedom” from “harsh fundamentalisms” of various stripes, the fact that this war is simply against God, marriage, the family, children, and Christian liberty is becoming clearer and clearer by the minute (e.g. “bake the cake, bigot!”). So if you want in on this fight, you need to understand that it runs right down the middle of every human heart: “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those those thing which are above, where Christ is, siting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth… Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry…” (Col. 3:1-2, 5). So confess your sins, get forgiveness, confront sin where necessary, and let love cover lots of the bumps and bruises.

The practical suggestions and recommendations that follow will only help if you understand these first two principles. The practical suggestions are like a steering wheel and pedals in a car, but if you don’t have the engine of the Spirit under the hood, you will not make it very far.

Walk Like a Ninja: Some Generalizations & Cautions

• Boys and girls are different. But the bible clearly teaches that God made man in His image, male and female. So, despite the title of my talk, we are not actually from different planets, even if it seems that way. We may be from different countries and speak somewhat different dialects, but we are made in the same image. This is our ground for deep reverence for one another. Add to this, the fact that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. This is our ground for deep compassion for another. We have a common problem called sin and death. And finally, we have a common Savior, a common forgiveness, the same Spirit is given to all who trust in Jesus, and we have been made joint-heirs of eternal glory. This is our ground for hope.

• But boys and girls are different. God made women to be attractive, and He made men to notice. Adam said that Eve was “flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones,” and Paul makes it explicit that woman is the glory of man (1 Cor. 11:7). God made women beautiful. This is their glory. God made men strong. This is their glory. And it is not a sin to notice this and give thanks to God for this. But sin warps everything, including this. Men sinfully desire. And women sinfully desire to be desired. And these (sinful and godly) desires and our attempts to master them infiltrate all our dealings. When Paul warned Timothy, he urged him to treat “older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity” (1 Tim. 5:2). And the related command to women is found earlier in the letter: “that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, but which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works” (1 Tim. 2:9-10). Of course the same commands apply to the other sex as well, but the fact that we need to say that out loud reveals how far we’ve come.

• Paul instructs wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives (Eph. 5), and this is not because wives do not need to love their husbands or that husbands do not need to respect their wives. But it’s because men naturally communicate in terms of respect, and women naturally communicate in terms of love. This is fine and good as far as it goes, but it can make for miscommunication and misunderstanding, even outside of marriage. A man showing a woman respect may be mistaken as showing romantic interest. If he says you have a good throwing arm, he may simply mean that he thinks you have a good throwing arm. A woman showing a man friendship/care may also be mistaken for showing romantic interest when all that was meant was an act of kindness. Add to this the tendency that men have to be mission oriented and for women to be relationship oriented. Lewis says that men tend to be friends side by side working on a project together, while women tend to be friends face to face. Men tend to assume everything is fine (unless it obviously isn’t), and women tend to assume something is wrong if there hasn’t been regular affirmation. All of this is reason to keep opposite sex friendships warm but distant. You can’t be “just friends.” So don’t waste a bunch of time overthinking it.

• Choose your friends very carefully (Prov. 12:26). Let your closest friends be blood relatives or wiser, older members of the same sex (parents, older brothers, sisters). And make sure your closest friends are people who are willing to wound you in love (Prov. 27:6, 17). Remember Psalm 1 and choose those you walk, stand, and sit with wisely. It may be that there is a progression of intimacy there, but this may also merely be a poetic way of describing different human scenarios, all significant and important: work, play, friendships, etc. Related to this is the fifth commandment.

• Guard your hearts. And I mean this in at least two directions. First, be honest with yourself about your intentions and emotions. Don’t lie to yourself, God, or your friends about anything. And this is why you need good friends who would ask you straight whiskey questions about what you’re doing and why. Second, do not let your imaginations run wild. Lust takes different forms, but it’s all covetous and full of lies.

• Don’t sleep with someone emotionally if you’re not allowed to go to bed with them physically. But connect the dots here: don’t act like a couple if you aren’t, or don’t intend to become a couple. This includes things like being team leaders for something, organizing regular outings together with friends, leading a Bible study together, going places together alone regularly (“we’re just carpooling”). God designed the world with a certain kind of gravity, a current that is pulling in a particular direction. Even when everyone is being good and pure, that current is pulling you. And your emotions/bodies are designed by God (and complicated by the Fall) to go somewhere. Unless you are a eunuch, you cannot become close emotionally and have no challenges. And the challenges may not always be sexual. Sometimes people have difficulty getting along or keep running into weird communication snarls for the same reason: you weren’t designed to be this close.

• Related: Be very careful professionally. Egalitarianism has swept through our culture such that we don’t even know when we’re in danger anymore. Don’t do anything alone with a member of the opposite sex where there are not lots of windows and witnesses. This is for everyone’s protection. If you are a real estate agent, do not take a woman alone into a house. If you are a plumber, do not work on someone’s house alone if it is only you and a woman alone together in the house. Do not work late at the office or go on business trips alone with a member of the opposite sex. Get an assistant. Invite someone else on to your team. Or get reassigned.

Conclusion

Keep the gospel central. You were created in Christ Jesus for good works. That’s where you want to be, and that means walking by grace through faith in obedience to Jesus. It means surrendering everything to Him. On the one hand this means being biblically wise in all your dealings, and on the other hand, this means giving it all to the Lord and not overthinking it. You do what you can do to be wise and holy, and then have fun and refuse to be boxed in by the fear of man or the future or man-made expectations.

Read Full Article