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Christmas Confession of Sin

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Introduction

John opens this letter remembering Christmas, and so this is a fitting message for our consideration as we finish up Christmas festivities and look forward to the new year.

The Text

“That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon, our hands have handled, of the word of life…” (1 Jn. 1:1-10).

Summary of the Text

John echoes his gospel describing the “Word of life” from the beginning as something that has become flesh, something heard, seen, looked upon, and handled (1 Jn. 1:1, cf. Jn. 1:1). This Word is the life manifested from the Father (1:2), and the apostles have seen it and heard it and declared it as witnesses so that all who hear their testimony may have fellowship with them and with the Father and the Son (1:3). This fellowship is fullness of joy (1:4). The message they proclaim is that God is light and there is no darkness in Him at all (1:5). Therefore, fellowship with God in His light means that we must not walk in darkness, and the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin (1:6-7). If we deny that we have sin, we are liars and we make God out to be a liar, but if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all sin (1:8-10).

Christmas & Confession

What have you heard and seen and looked at and handled over the last few weeks? As you have sought to celebrate Christmas as Christians, you have heard and seen and looked at and handled the Word of Life. The whole point of the presents, the tree, the meals, the songs, the cookies, the eggnog – the whole point of all of it was Jesus, the Word of Life. We gave because He gave. We celebrated because He came. We rejoiced because we have fellowship with Him and with one another. But this fellowship is only possible because the Word became flesh and dwelt among us (Jn. 1:14). God became man in order to reconcile all things in His flesh. “And you, that were sometime alienated and enemies in your mind by wicked works, yet now hath he reconciled in the body of his flesh through death, to present you holy and unblameable and unreproveable in his sight” (Col. 1:21-22). “Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace; and that He might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity” (Eph. 2:15-16). So the Word became flesh in order to reconcile us to God and one another. The Word became flesh in order to abolish the enmity between us and God and one another, making true peace and fellowship. This is the only basis for Christian joy (1 Jn. 1:3-4). This fellowship is through the cleansing of the blood of Christ (1 Jn. 1:6-7). And the blood of Christ cleanses us as we confess our sins to God and one another (1 Jn. 1:9).

Fellowship & Lies

Christian joy is real joy because it built on the truth of Christ. But as descendants of Adam and Eve, we have not only inherited their guilt and tendency to sin, we have also inherited their tendency to try to hide their sin. They tried to hide their nakedness with fig leaves, and they tried to hide from God in the trees of the garden (Gen. 3:7-8). In the presence of God, all darkness is shade. Sin is turning away from God’s light, and that darkness includes trying to hide our guilt, trying to cover our shame. Even true Christians are still tempted to do this. This is why the Bible teaches us that dealing with our sin right away is enormously important. Jesus says that if you bring a gift to worship and remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift and go be reconciled to him first (Mt. 5:23-24). It’s better to be 10 minutes late for church and worship in Spirit and in truththan to stand before God as a liar. Paul says that when there are divisions in the Church, especially at the Lord’s Supper – an act of fellowship, we are not actually celebrating the Lord’s Supper, and we are guilty of the body and blood of the Lord, causing sickness and weakness and even death (1 Cor. 11:18-30). If you have anything against anyone go make it right as soon as possible. “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath; neither give place to the devil” (Eph. 4:26). The devil is the father of lies, and he is happy for Christians to pretend to be in fellowship when they are not. So do not give an inch to the devil here. When fellowship is broken, go make it right.

Fellowship & Joy

John clearly says that the heart of Christian fellowship is fullness of joy (1 Jn. 1:3-4). And this is echoed in other places, specifically related to confession and forgiveness of sin. In Psalm 32, David sings, “Happy is the one whose transgression is forgiven… When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long… I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin… Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about. Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, ye righteous: and shout for joy, all ye that are upright in heart” (Ps. 32:1, 3, 5, 10-11). Likewise, in Psalm 51, “Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Make to me hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice… restore unto me the joy of thy salvation” (Ps. 51:7-8, 12). So lying about our sin (that it isn’t a big deal or that it isn’t there) and lying about God (that He can’t see it, that Jesus didn’t need to die for it) is the central cause of sadness and sickness and depression in this world. You cannot enjoy fellowship with God or other Christians while guilt and shame weigh upon you. Non-Christians experience this agony as well, but Christians have the added grief of grieving the Spirit who lives in them (Eph. 4:30). When we grieve the Spirit by sinning and refusing to confess our sins, the Spirit grieves us. Because God loves His children, His hand is heavy upon them in their sin. The greatest horror in all the world is God giving us up to our sin (Rom. 1:24).

Conclusion: Comfort & Joy

Christ was born in order that we might know God, that we might have fellowship with the Father and the Son by the Spirit. And this fellowship is the fullness of peace and joy. But this peace and joy is maintainedand enjoyedby the application of the blood of Jesus to every bump and bruise by confession of sin and forgiveness. Confession of sin agrees with God by naming the sin biblically and asks Him and any offended parties for forgiveness. God forgives us by promising not to hold our sin against us for the sake of Christ, and so we must forgive one another like that (Eph. 4:32). Forgiveness is not based on our feelings. Forgiveness is based on the fact of the Cross. When we are faithful to forgive as we have been forgiven, the Holy Spirit works true comfort and joy into our hearts and homes.

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Because He Comes

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Introduction

We don’t celebrate Advent as re-enactors. We do not pretend that Christ has not come. We celebrate Advent as believers. We believe that Christ has come and therefore all of the promises of God have come true and are coming true. Because Emmanuel has come, we take this time each year to remember and celebrate what is true all the time: we serve the God who has come, continues to come, and who will come again to judge the world. So while we are not in the same position as the Old Testament saints who needed to prepare the way of the Lord for the first time, we still do indeed prepare Him room. We are all practicing to meet Jesus every day because He comes. We are getting the world ready for Jesus, and we are getting ready for Him.

The Text

“Comfort ye, Comfort, ye, my people, saith your God. Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned: for she hath received of the LORD’S hand double for all her sins.

The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the LORD, make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain: And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the LORD hath spoken it.

The voice said, Cry. And he said, What shall I cry? All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field: The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: because the spirit of the LORD bloweth upon it: surely the people is grass. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.

O Zion, that bringest good tidings, get thee up into the high mountain; O Jerusalem, that bringest good tidings, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Judah, Behold your God! Behold, the Lord GOD will come with strong hand, and his arm shall rule for him: behold, his reward is with him, and his work before him. He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young” (Isa. 40:1-11).

Deep Comfort

A Christian prepares for Christ by practicing deep comfort (Is. 40:1). How does anyone prepare to meet God? Meeting the God of the universe will be like nothing we have ever experienced. It will utterly undo us; every secret will be laid bare (Lk. 12:2-3). There will be no excuses, no explanations – there will be nothing to say. All will be exhaustively clear (1 Cor. 3:13). And yet the glorious thing is that sinners who have hidden themselves in Christ will find themselves laid absolutely bare and will look down and see the righteousness of Christ covering them in glory. And it will be the deepest comfort you have ever known. But Christians long for that day to come because they have begun to taste that comfort now. Christians still await the final, perfect comfort, but they wait in hope because they have experienced true comfort now. “Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ” (Rom. 5:1). The warfare of fighting for our own righteousness, meaning, success, and joy has ended. Our iniquity has been pardoned. We have received double from the Lord’s hand for all our sins (Is. 40:2).

Remove Every Obstacle

This was the cry of John the Baptist, but it still represents well how Christians should prepare for the Lord every day. We want straight highways to God everywhere every day. We want everything in our life to be a sacrifice of praise (Heb. 13:15). We want everything to be an altar of worship. So every valley in our life needs to be filled in, every mountain and hill bulldozed, the rough and crooked places need to be straightened and steamrolled. So do an inventory: where are your valleys, your mountains, your rough and crooked places? Is it work? Entertainment? Your thought life? Your extended family? Your fears? What do you need to do? What changes do you need to make? Jesus said that if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better to go to Heaven with one eye than to go to Hell with both eyes, better to go to Heaven with one hand than to go to Hell with two hands (Mt. 5:29-30). Remove every obstacle to faithfulness and obedience. The flip side of this is the clear implication that God is coming for all of us. All flesh shall see the glory of the Lord, and that is either the most wonderful news or the most terrible news. Either the glory of the Lord will find us faithfully pressing toward Him or else it will find us unprepared. All flesh shall see Him, and this can also be encouragement for you to do the right thing even if no else is.

Get Your Priorities Straight

You prepare this world for Christ by prioritizing rightly. What really matters? The voice cries that flesh is grass and it withers like flowers and grass. This life is momentary, short, like a breath. God created material stuff. Material stuff is good. But it’s all practice for the permanent things: either heavenly or hellish. Fading things aren’t worthless, but it’s silly to pretend that fading things are permanent. When you get a tree and decorate it, when you wrap presents, when you hang lights and wrap presents, you’re practicing for something permanent. What are you practicing for? You’re either practicing joy and generosity and patience and wisdom – things that last forever or you’re practicing selfishness, greed, pride, vainglory – worthless shadows. God’s Kingdom is forever. Human souls are forever. God’s Word is forever.

Lift Up Your Voice

How do you get ready for the Lord coming? Tell other people. Do you have good news? Do you have a mountain? Get up there and yell (Is. 40:9). Do you have good news? Then say it out loud. Don’t be afraid. God has come. YourGod has come (Is. 40:9-10). The God who made the heavens and earth, the God who created you and knows you and loves you. He is King and He knows what He is doing. His work is before Him (Is. 40:10). He is a faithful shepherd (Is. 40:11). He will gather all who are His in His arms. He will carry them. He will gently lead them. Are there hungry people in your life? Are there hurting people in your life? Are there lost people in your life? Don’t they need the good news of the Good Shepherd? Don’t you have that good news? Where is your mountain? Get up there and yell. Do not be afraid.

Conclusion: He Surely Comes

We sing in our metrical version of Psalm 98, “Because He comes, He surely comes, the judge of earth to be, with justice He will judge the world, all men with equity.” And this really is the good news of Advent. Because He comes, He surely comes. Because Christ has come, He will never leave us or forsake us. He meets us day by day in His Word. He meets us in the fellowship of the saints. He meets us every Lord’s Day in worship. So prepare Him room. He comes to make His blessings flow far as the curse is found. We’re getting everything ready because He comes.

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Parenting in the Kingdom

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Introduction

Parenting is one of the most difficult, important, and rewarding tasks in this life. Particularly in a community that has been taught about the importance of childrearing, this can add to the pressure, fear, and disappointment when things are not going as we had imagined. But raising children well is a grace of God; it is one of the gifts the Holy Spirit gives to those who ask.

The Text

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:1-4).

Children of the Kingdom

The Bible is clear that the children of believers are not future citizens of the Kingdom of God; they are presentcitizens of the Kingdom. “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God” (Mk. 10:14). Even this command to children to obey their parents, alongside all the other commands “in the Lord,” implies that they have a role to play in the Lord(Eph. 6:1). The Psalmist famously sings,“Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants You have ordained strength, because of Your enemies, that You may silence the enemy and the avenger” (Ps. 8:2). Jesus also makes it clear that the faith of little ones is the exemplar for adults: “Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 18:3). Remember, David said, “But You are He who took Me out of the womb; You made Me trust while on My mother’s breasts. I was cast upon You from birth. From My mother’s womb You have been My God” (Ps. 22:9-10). Likewise, John the Baptist leaped for joy in Elizabeth’s womb (Lk. 1:41, 44). This is why Jesus gives such a stern warning: “… whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt. 18:6).

The Culture & Counsel of the Gospel

Literally, the words “training” and “admonition” mean “culture” and “counsel.” This goes all the way back to the instructions Moses gave Israel as they prepared to enter the Promised Land: “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Dt. 6:7-9). We are to talk about God’s ways everywhere because His ways effect everything. To love the Lord with all we are is to love His lordship overall we are.

And we love His rule because it led to our deliverance: “When your son asks you in time to come, saying,`What is the meaning of the testimonies, the statutes, and the judgments which the LORD our God has commanded you?’ then you shall say to your son: `We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, and the LORD brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand… that He might bring us in, to give us the land of which He swore to our fathers’” (Dt. 6:20-24). The whole point of the law was to talk about God’s grace and freedom. The point of parenting is to celebrate God’s grace and freedom, and this means tonsof confession of sin and forgiveness. We are Christians: this means we know what to do with sin. So the tenor of our homes must be joy.

Teaching Obedience

The central task of parents is teaching obedience to God. We live in an arrogant and sentimental world that thinks it knows better than God’s Word. But young children must be taught from a young age to obey their parents. The same Psalmist who said he learned to trust God from his mother’s womb also said that he was conceived in sin (Ps. 51:2). Young children are not naturally inclined to obey, but they are designed to be taught God’s grace. “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). In the ordinary course of things, when Christian parents faithfully seek to drive foolishness from their children through spanking, God blesses children with wise hearts. “The rod and rebuke give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother” (Prov. 29:15). This is why regular, prompt corporal discipline is loving: “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly” (Prov. 13:24). The rod, lovingly administered, is love, but the rod is not automatically love. Spanking in anger or frustration is not love; nor is it love to administer the rod long after an offense has been committed (worse the younger they are).

Related to all of this is the implied biblical advice: do not try to reason with young children. It doesn’t really matter how you feel inside, and feelings are often manipulative. Children must simply be required to obey right away, all the way, and cheerfully. They also don’t know how they should feelabout sin; discipline is teaching them how to feel.And every trip to the “wood shed” (or wherever) should be accompanied by prayer, forgiveness, and full reconciliation/restitution (as age appropriate). Some toddlers will require battles of the will, and parents must commit themselves to winning. Sometimes this will require stretches of hours, days, or a couple of weeks of intense focus (dads, take initiative). Don’t give up; the peaceable fruit of righteousness is worth it (Heb. 12:11).

Conclusion: As a Tender Father

While Scripture is clear that children must be taught to honor and obey father and mother, and therefore, mothers have significant responsibilities in the training up of children (Prov. 1:8), Paul clearly singles out fathers here, instructing them not to provoke their children to wrath but to train their children in the culture and counsel of the Lord. We live in a father-hungry world. None of our fathers were perfect, and some of our fathers failed significantly. Some of us are tempted to be harsh, and some of us are tempted to be indulgent. Some of us work too much, and some of us just don’t know how to relate well to our children.

So how can flawed men hope to be faithful fathers? The answer is that you must have a new father. The only good fathers in this world have a perfect Father in heaven. And His perfection is particularly evidenced in His pity: “For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. As a father pities his children, so the LORD pities those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust” (Ps. 103:11-14). Do you pity your children? Are you a tender father? This is not sentimentalism; this is Christian love. You cannot bea tender father unless you have the Lord as your Tender Father. But this is only possible by the Spirit of adoption: “For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father” (Rom. 8:15).

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Left-Handed Power

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Introduction

One of the results of rebelling against the Lordship of Jesus and His authority over all things is a humanistic obsession with power. When human societies reject the power of the cross as oppressive and tyrannical, the whole point is to create a void for fools to rush into. Under the Lordship of Jesus, all lawful authority is established, delegated, and therefore accountable to Christ. But when Christ is rejected, everything is up for grabs, and Christians are sometimes tempted, in the name of realism, to join one of the factions. But we are called to embrace the Lordship of Jesus, and His assignments in our lives, through embracing His example of left-handed power.

The Text

“Servants, be subject to your masters with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also to the froward. For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully, For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously…” (1 Pet. 2:20-23)

Value Structures

Part of the problem we have with the commands of God is our flawed value system. We don’t value the things that God values and so His commands can seem strange. It would be a bit like suddenly arriving in a civilization where everyone scrupulously saved pennies but threw away all the quarters. It would seem backward and wasteful. But what if you grew up in that backward civilization and then suddenly arrived back in our present day? You might still have old habits of throwing quarters away and a strange attachment to pennies. This is what it’s like becoming a Christian. But in addition to the old man and the flesh striving with the Spirit and the new man, we have cultural norms and systems that reinforce various sins or virtues.

We see this throughout the passage: What are slaves to value? What are wives to value? What are husbands to value? The consistent pattern is to value what lookslike weakness, but which is actuallypower. The believing slave is to suffer injustice patiently by trusting “him that judgeth righteously” (1 Pet. 2:20-23) – this has the power to change lives (1 Pet. 2:24-25). The wife with a disobedient husband is to submit without a word, adorning her life with the beauty of holiness, trusting in God without fear (1 Pet. 3:1-6) – that she might winher husband – for this is “in the sight of God of great price” (1 Pet. 3:4). And husbands are to honor their wives as the weaker vessel, that their prayers might be answered(1 Pet. 3:7). A little further down, Peter says, “For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil” (1 Pet. 3:12). What is valuable? What is powerful? Patient trust in God.

No Guile in the Mouth

The central model for this left-handed power is Jesus, who suffered for us leaving us an example (1 Pet. 2:21). He of all people had the best excuses, the best argument for why everyone around Him was wrong and how they were all going down, but He did no sin, neither was any guilefound in His mouth (1 Pet. 2:22). What is guile? Guile is cunning, craftiness, wiliness, slyness, deviousness, plotting, duplicity, or treachery. On the one hand, Peter is likely emphasizing just how perfect Jesus was – He didn’t even sin with His mouth. But the point is also to point out the place every man or woman struggles: the mouth. “For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body” (Jas. 3:2). And as Jesus insisted: For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matt. 12:34).And James again: “If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless” (Jas. 1:26). Putting all of this together, the first result of a changed heart will be a changed tongue/mouth. But there are plenty of people who think they are very religious who are setting whole forests on fire with their words (Jas. 3:6). Bitterness is a root that defiles many (Heb. 12:15).

Some Christians are straight up bitter and foul – cursing and complaining like verbal terrorists. If this is you, you are self-deceived, and your religion is useless. But most Christians are more self-aware and careful, but they can still be self-deceived. And this brings us back to the guile, which is closely related to the idea of dissembling. To dissemble is to conceal your true motives, feelings, or beliefs. When Jesus suffered unjustly, He was not dissembling. He was not pretending anything. He was not being crafty or duplicitous. His intentions and motives and plans were right out in the open for all to see. And this is the example for slaves, wives, husbands, for all Christians. Christian submission does not mean putting a brave face on it while freaking out inside, muttering threats under your breath, smiling in public while cursing in your heart, or passive-aggressive avoidance of conflict while pushing your agenda – all of that is guilein your mouth. And it is fundamentally not trusting God.

Trusting God Means Loving Him More

In Luke, Jesus says, “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple” (Lk. 14:26). But remember that this is the same Jesus who affirmed the fifth commandment (Lk. 18:20) and condemned building campaigns that functioned as write-offs for financially supporting parents (Mk. 7:10-13). Clearly the point is that Jesus requires absolute loyalty. Love for Jesus must be ultimate, supreme. In Sheldon Vanauken’s book A Severe Mercy, he recounts what it felt like when his wife “Davy” became a Christian before him. He describes her going to church and bible studies without him feeling like “unfaithfulness.” Love for Jesus will sometimes appear dismissive, even hatefulof good gifts of God. Why? Because You love Jesus way more.

The biblical name for anything that feels threatened by Jesus is an idol. An idol need not be an actual statue or image. It can just as easily be an image in your head, a scene of happiness, desire for respect and leadership, a theological conviction, a longing for a certain job, church, spouse, sex, children, family, house, friendships, whatever. That’s still a graven image; it’s still an imaginedreality that you are placing your hopes in for your joy, happiness, pleasure, or success. But what if that is not God’s plan for your life? The point is not to have low expectations or do a soccer-flop of apathy. The point is true and complete submission. Do you love Jesus more than everything?

Conclusion

Left-handed power is God’s power working in history, through men, women, slaves, Christians who trust and obey Him in the midst of injustice, disobedience, weakness, trouble. And that trust is evident in their words that reflect honest, trusting hearts. There is no guile in their mouths because there is no guile in their hearts because they have new hearts. We love Jesus more than anything and anyone because He suffered for us, and now we have died to sin and by His stripes we are healed. We had gone astray, but He has brought us home. And so we trust Him with it all. He is watching. He is listening. And He will judge righteously.

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Marriage Tune-Up

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Introduction

Many of us are getting our houses and vehicles ready for winter weather, and so why not our marriages? It’s easy to fall into ruts and habits that just seem normal when in fact they are wearing on us and harming our families in ways we do not realize. Likewise, many poor habits leave us incredibly vulnerable when trials and difficulties hit. The question is not whether you will face trials, the only question is when. Will your marriage be ready when the storms come?

The Texts

“And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” Colossians 3:17-18

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:7-9

Fellowship with One Another

John says that if we walk in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin (1 Jn. 1:7). This is not a magical thing, as John proceeds to explain that this has everything to do with regularly confessing our sins (1 Jn. 1:9). The flip side of this is regularly forgiving those who confess their sins to us (Mt. 18:21-22, Lk. 17:4). This is the secret of Christian fellowship in general and Christian marriage in particular. Doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and walking in such a way as to inherit a blessing are ways of describing Christian fellowship. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you don’t sin anymore. Being a Christian means you know what to do about sin. The difference between a clean house and messy house is that in the clean house they pick up. Confession of sin and forgiveness is like taking out the trash and doing the dishes. It’s what you do. For Christians to act shocked and befuddled when sin happens is like being surprised when the two year old drops a meat ball on the floor. That’s just what two year olds do. And remember, there’s no sin that you can’t make worse by denying it, trying to hide it, lying about it or blustering or blaming for it. Just confess it and forgive it quickly. Take out the trash. And remember, practice makes perfect. So what are you practicing?

Fellowship with God & One Another

Confession and forgiveness flow from fellowship with God (Eph. 4:32) and therefore they are prerequisites for enjoying fellowship with God: “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift” (Mt. 5:23-24). You cannot come into church to fellowship with God while being out of fellowship with other believers, especially your spouse. Paul says that when there are divisions within the church, whatever we’re doing with the bread and wine, it is not the Lord’s Supper (1 Cor. 11:18-20). Better to be 15 minutes late and actually participate in church than to arrive on-time to only pretend to. This is why Peter warns husbands to honor their wives that their prayers be not hindered (1 Pet. 3:7). It may be that Peter is saying that harsh husbands won’t know how to pray, but it seems more likely that Peter is saying that God will only listen to a man as well as he listens to his wife. The same principle should apply to any sort of fellowship gathering. Don’t pretend fellowship with others while being out of fellowship yourselves.

Fellowship & Difference

Understand deep in your bones the difference between being out of fellowship and not having the exact same opinion about everything. You must not go to bed angry at your spouse (or anyone for that matter) (Eph. 4:26), but sometimes you really do need to go to bed and get a full night’s sleep before you’ll be able to think and communicate your various convictions about which math curriculum is the most Reformed. Do not be threatened by differences of opinion or perspective. The glory of heterosexuality is the glory of difference. Some of our differences are sexual, some are personality, others are cultural or experiential. But marriage is signing up to live with someone different from you. This is a blessing if received in faith and obedience. So do not be threatened or alarmed at different perspectives. Husbands, honor your wives. Honor their opinions. Listen to their input. And wives, recognize that you signed up to follow this man’s lead. You must give your input respectfully and then, like Trumpkin, know the difference between giving counsel and taking orders.

Sweet Fellowship

Marriage should be full of sweet fellowship. Review the descriptions of Christian fellowship surrounding some of the particular commands for husbands and wives (Col. 3:12-14, 1 Pet. 3:8-9). A Christian marriage must not be characterized by bickering, arguing, raised voices, eye rolling, biting words, sarcasm, or frustration. A Christian marriage is singled out to represent Christ and His Bride. It is to be characterized by mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forbearing, forgiveness, love, like-mindedness, compassion, courtesy, and blessing. And if you say, well, we don’t argue in public (but your home is frequently a place of argument), that’s what we call hypocrisy. Your children can see the difference, and you are telling lies to them. You are telling lies about what matters, about what God sees, about what marriage is like. Not a few kids grow up in so-called Christian homes and want nothing to do with that sort of thing by the time they leave. A Christian marriage is becoming something of rarity (much to our shame). But a Christian marriage should be one of the most striking things for unbelievers to see: two different people who are strong and intelligent who deeply respect one another and love being with one another.

What You Signed Up For

Husbands, you signed up to learn how to love one woman well. This is what you are commanded to do. In order to do this you must be a student of your wife. This implies that you don’t understand her, and yet you must begin to. And very closely related to this, you must not grow bitter at her or resent her weaknesses but rather you must honor her, think highly of her, and speak graciously to her. The model for this kind of love is Jesus, and this means that studying your wife does not mean giving her everything she asks for. If Jesus gave us everything we asked for, we’d all be doomed. In this is love, not that we knew what we needed, but that God knew what we needed and sent His Son for our sins. Husbands, you must love your wives like that with joy.

Wives, your task is to submit to your own husbands and to let them love you like Christ loves the Church. Your temptation is to resent their faltering attempts to love you, rather than respecting the great difficulty it is to actually love you biblically. Recognize that there’s more than a little Hollywood in your hearts that you need to get rid of. While a real man imitating the real love of Christ is certainly courteous, it’s also deeply offensive to modern sensibilities. Do not look sideways at the other men or marriages. Look at your man and respect him in the Lord. The Lord gave you that man, and despite his weaknesses and sin, he is the one God has instructed to love you. Respect that. Honor that. And submit to him in the Lord with joy.

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