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The Covenant Home 2: Common Sins in Marriage

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Introduction

As we consider some common sins committed in marriage by both men and women, remember the context of federal headship. The responsibility for all these sins lies with the husband. A woman can and should recognize her individual sins before the Lord; her husband’s overarching responsibility should in no way lessen her sense of personal and individual responsibility. Properly understood, it should have precisely the opposite effect.

The Text

“For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was” (Jas. 1:23).

On Seeing the Back of Your Head

The Word of God is given to us in order to enable us to see ourselves. Apart from this, we cannot really see ourselves. When we examine our own hearts, there are many parts of it which we cannot see. In order to see ourselves properly, we always have to hold up the mirror of the Word. This is particularly true in marriage.

Common Sins of Husbands

First is refusing responsibility. As we saw last week, the man is the head (1 Cor. 116 ). His only option therefore is whether he will accept or refuse to face that fact of headship. Many Christian men refuse, and it shows in their marriages.

A second problem is that of refusing to be masculine—In 1 Cor. 16:13 , Paul charges the Corinthians to be courageous in their sanctification. The word he uses is literally act the man. Especially in the arena of marriage, men need to learn to be men.

Third, a common problem is infidelity in the heart. Jesus’ words are well-known. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28). This includes, but is not limited to, lust provoked by magazines, co-workers, daughters and wives of friends, Internet images, movies, songs, daydreams, or anything else you might be able to come up with.

Then there is the problem of harsh bitterness. Paul goes out of his way to tell husbands that love includes a refusal to be embittered by the behavior of their wives (Col. 3:19). Fifth, we cannot leave out the common problem of being a blockhead. Women are complicated beings. Peter requires husbands to treat their wives according to knowledge (1 Pet. 3:7). The Word of God does not permit you to fail this course. Men must study their wives.

Sixth, there is the problem of poor provision. Paul says that poor financial provision for one’s family is tantamount to apostasy (1 Tim. 5:8). This is the case regardless of the reason how the provision failed. An essential element in provision is forethought. And when there is a genuine hard providence—a meteor landed on your business—remember the first principle above.

And last, laziness—one particular reason why many men do not provide adequately for their wives is laziness. “He who has a slack hand becomes poor, but the hand of the diligent makes rich” (Prov. 10:4). This is followed by the close second of excuse-making.

Common Sins of Wives

A very common sin is that of disrespect. God commands that a wife respect her husband (Eph. 5:33). Many wives do not read all those marriage books because they are zealous for righteousness; they read them in order to get more ammo to use on their husbands. Further, they want their husbands to love them unconditionally, but they then return their owed respect conditionally.

Second, there is resentment. While men tend to harsh bitterness, women tend to hurt bitterness. In the emotional realm, women bruise easily (1 Pet. 3:7). Some have concluded from this, falsely, that women have a right to any offense. But in Eph. 4:31-32, Paul tells us what we must do with the sins committed against us. It is as much a sin to be offended as it is to offend.

Third, a common sin is to think as the foolish women do. Many men struggle under numerous temptations for a time, only to have the wife join the dogpile. For example, Job’s wife encouraged him to let go of his integrity, to curse God and die (Job 2:9).
A fourth problem is the “little helper syndrome.” The Bible says that woman was made for the man (1 Cor. 11:8), and she was given to him to be a helpmeet (Gen. 2:20). But nowhere does the Bible say that the Holy Spirit needed a helpmeet. “Let’s see. Where can I find someone to help convict this man of his sins. . . ?”

Another is poor sexual responsiveness. Paul teaches us that one of the purposes of marriage is to provide protection against the manifold temptations out there to immorality (1 Cor. 7:2). But not only are many Christian wives not a help here, they are a positive hindrance. Remember though, the model is to be the Shulamite, and not the latest survey results in some bizarre women’s magazine.

In conservative circles, there can be the problem of pseudo-submissiveness. Many wives want their husbands to take the initiative, seize the leadership… as long as they do what the wife would have wanted them to. But see Eph. 5:24.

And last, there is carping, whining and quarreling. Solomon tells us that the contentions of a wife are an ongoing pain-in-the neck (Prov. 19:13). “But I just wanted him to hear my concerns. Just one more time.”

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The Covenant Home 1: The Meaning of Federal Marriage

Joe Harby on

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Introduction

For various reasons, the word federal is grossly misunderstood today. But our word comes from the Latin word foedus, which means covenant. Thus a federal union, or confederated association, should be understood as one bound by covenant oaths and loyalties. As Christians who understand the importance of covenants in the Bible, we should set ourselves to understand the meaning of federal marriage. This is just another way of saying covenant marriage.

The Texts

“But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3).

“For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body” (Eph. 5:23).

The Face of Marriage Covenants

Some might want to assume that as Reformed Christians we simply have covenants on the brain, finding them everywhere in Scripture. You know, covenant peanut butter and covenant jelly. But this message is not an example of a systematic covenant theology running amok. The Bible speaks to us on this issue plainly.

The adulteress is described in Proverbs as one who forsook the companion of her youth, the covenant of her God (Prov. 2:17). The men in Malachi who complained to God about His lack of responsiveness to their prayers were told that it was because of how they treated their wives. Their wives were described as being their wives by covenant (Mai. 2:14). Marriage is described in the Bible as a covenantal institution. But much more is involved in this than just the word covenant.

The Meaning of Federal Headship

Closely related to the concept of the covenant is the idea of headship. The Bible gives us two important examples of what we might call federal headship. A covenant head is not the same thing as “a boss.”

First, consider what the Bible says about Adam. The relation that exists between us and our father Adam is a covenantal one. Because we are organically connected to him by covenant, when he sinned in the garden, we all sinned as represented in him. He sinned covenantally. “But like men [literally. like Adam] they transgressed the covenant; there they dealt treacherously with Me” (Hos. 6:7 ). And in his sin, we sinned.

We see the same thing with the second Adam. God in His mercy brought us out of sin the same way we were plunged into it. Because the sin of the first Adam condemned us, the obedience of the second Adam rescued us.

“Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those who had not sinned according to the likeness of the transgression of Adam, who is a type of Him who was to come. But the free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many” (Rom. 5:14-15).

“And so it is written, The first man Adam became a living being/The last Adam became a life-giving spirit” (1 Cor. 15:45).

“For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive” (1 Cor. 15:22 ). When we put all this together, what do we see? Both Adam and Christ are described as the representative or covenantal heads of their people. This is how our sins can be imputed to Christ, and how His righteousness can be imputed to us.

Application to Marriage

Returning to our texts, we see that the husband has a comparable relation to his wife as the one which exists between Christ and His people. This relation Paul describes as one of headship. Because marriage is a covenant union, and because the husband is the head of the wife, this means that his headship is a federal headship. He is a covenant head. We must first grasp what this does not mean. Before authority in marriage can be understood, we must get free of all our individualism. In marriage, we do not have two separated individuals, with one of them in charge. Rather, we have an organic union which is instructed not to be schizophrenic. All “macho man” foolishness is inconsistent with what is described here.

This eliminates the blame game. It means that a husband can no more blame his wife for the state of their marriage than a thief can blame his hands. As Christ assumed responsibility for things He didn’t do, so husbands should be willing to do the same for their wives. How? The place to start is in your prayers.

This sheds light on the central duty of husbands, which is to love as Christ loved the Church. For many Christians this simply means that Christ loved the Church “a lot” and that husbands should strive to do the same. But what it means is that husbands should love their wives federally, the way Christ loved the Church. We may begin to point out what this means, but there will always be far more than this.

A husband’s love should seek to be efficacious love—Christ loved the Church in a way which transformed her. He should embody an incarnational love—Christ’s love for His

Church was literally embodied in His sacrificial life. He seeks to display a responsible love—Christ took on all the sins of His people, And last, it is an instructional love— Christ washes His Church with the Word, as should husbands.

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On Christian Disobedience #6

Joe Harby on

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Introduction

In times like these, what do we do to prepare ourselves? If a moment of “defiance” is going to come, what should we do to get ready? This is an appropriate question in the wake of these Planned Parenthood videos, because it is quite possible that the moment has already come.

How should we think? Some Christians think we should drop everything and get involved because the secularists are taking over America and we have to get organized and stop them. Other Christians disparage political involvement and say we should get back to “preaching the gospel”—but the gospel they want to preach is as impotent as might be expected. In contrast to both these options, we assert the duty of the Church in preaching a world-transforming gospel, a gospel that will take our unbelieving culture, turn it upside down, and shake it until all the change falls out of its pockets.

The Text

“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavor, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven” (Matt. 5:13-16).

True Recovery

Before we recover our freedoms, we must recover our sanity. But this will never happen outside the presence of the Most High God. And His presence is ministered to us in the biblical worship of the saints as we gather to sing, hear, preach, and feast at His Table. That is the context of all that follows.

The Heresy of the Lowest Common Denominator

For well over a century, evangelical Christians have sought unity by minimizing truth (because truth “divides” you know), and we want to be united. This is particularly obvious in political coalition building—we do not talk about what divides us so that we can get on with the business of “lobbying.” But this refusal to talk about what divides us is actually a refusal to talk about what is wrong with us. And this we do because we are unwilling to repent of our sins.

We say to the unbelieving world that it must repent of its great and grievous sins. What would we say if they replied (as they could, and do), “you are the Church. Show us how.”

A sick and dying culture needs the maximum amount of truth, which never comes in teaspoon doses.

A Future and a Hope

These videos are simply God’s return volley to the Obergefell decision. What did God say to Israel in exile? “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jer. 29:11, ESV). In the conclusion of his opinion in Obergefell, Scalia wrote this prescient sentence.

“With each decision of ours that takes from the People a question properly left to them – with each decision that is unabashedly based not on law, but on the ‘reasoned judgment’ of a bare majority of this Court – we move one step closer to being reminded of our impotence.”

That is what is happening right now. Our nation acquiesced to Roe, which we should not have done. That acquiescence makes the entire nation complicit, but God in His great mercy has presented us with an opportunity to repent of that complicity. In 1973, we saw Gross Constitutional Overreach A, and we did nothing. In 2015, Gross Constitutional Overreach B arrived, as it had to, given A, and then God—whose mercies are everlasting —gave us an opportunity to react to A the way we should have the first time. We are now being given an opportunity to undo Roe and to do so by direct action.

A Salty Church

Before the world will glorify our Father in heaven, we need the miracle of restored saltiness. And what will that be like?

It will be characterized by potency in the gospel—we must always keep an undiluted gospel central. “ . . . but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men” (1 Cor. 1:23-25). This is effective, but not in a way which the worldly enjoy. “Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for so did their fathers to the false prophets” (Luke 6:26).

It will be characterized by true wisdom —the way back will not be shown to us by the various evangelical pollsters, church growth experts, consultants, managers, handlers, suits and haircuts, those always sure to cluster around any work that looks like it might make a buck—because they are in business, and in business, the customer is always right. But we are not in business, and we have no customers here, only sinners and forgiven saints. Our clear duty is to present the scandal and offensiveness of the truth both winsomely and pungently. “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one” (Col. 4:6).

It must be characterized by glory in worship —as we shine the light of worship in the world, we teach the world to worship. When we do this, we teach the kings of the earth the meaning of worship. Princes also shall worship . . . (Is. 49:6-7).

It will be characterized by forgiveness that laughs—this is the great lesson. Our first temptation is to be oblivious to the claims of Christ. Then, when they are borne in on us, we are tempted to a spiritual despair. But this is not the call of God.

“And Nehemiah, who was the governor, Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn nor weep. ‘For all the people wept, when they heard the words of the Law. Then he said to them, ‘Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength’” (Neh. 8:9-10).

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On Christian Disobedience #5

Joe Harby on

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Introduction

As we have been considering the relationship of the believer to the modern secular state, what have we learned? We know that our current rulers are in high rebellion against God, and have therefore forfeited all moral legitimacy. Judgment, when meted out by God, will have been most mercifully delayed—even if it happens tomorrow. In the meantime, we submit to the de facto rule of the regime because God is the one who judges, and because we are included in His judgments. But even in judgment their authority is not absolute in God’s eyes, and so there is a point where we must resist. Further, their authority is not absolute according to their own constitutions and laws, which have far more residual Christianity woven throughout them than the secularists would like us to believe. Remember particularly that resistance is sometimes the only way to submit to “the established authorities.”

Our dilemma can be summed up this way. Our rulers have no moral legitimacy. But neither do we.

The Text

“Then the Pharisees went and plotted how they might entangle Him in His talk . . .” (Matt. 22:15-22).

Render to Caesar

The Lord Jesus was presented with a difficult question. Do we pay taxes or not? If
yes . . . He is a quisling. If no . . . He is a rebel. But Christ answered in a way which left them thunderstruck. We have very tiny minds, and have difficulty distinguishing things which necessarily differ.

So here we must distinguish between “less than perfect government,” which is what we will always have on this planet, and “idolatrous government,” which we are commanded not to have. To complicate things further, these two kinds of government will frequently overlap. With the former, we have the option of resisting, depending upon the issue, circumstances, history, laws, etc. With the latter, resistance is a positive moral duty in every instance where they have made the idolatry mandatory. This is not the same thing as having the idolatry present. Daniel in the Babylon was in the midst of idolatry, but was untouched by it.

Christians on both ends of the left/right political spectrum have trouble making these distinctions, and ideological perfectionism is a real plague. Remember that our phrase right wing came from the seating in the French legislative chambers after the Revolution.

The right wingers were the moderates, but they were moderate revolutionaries.

Common Problem Areas

These are some areas where we must think with maturity, and pick our battles carefully. Consider carefully the teaching in Matthew 17:24-27.

“And when they were come to Capernaum, they that received tribute money came to Peter, and said, Doth not your master pay tribute? He saith, Yes. And when he was come into the house, Jesus prevented him, saying, What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers? Peter saith unto him, Of strangers. Jesus saith unto him, Then are the children free.

Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee” (Matt. 17:24–27).

The first point here is that not every right should be grasped. Jesus here had His disciples pay a tax they didn’t owe. On the subject of taxes, we apparently need more humbling than we have received thus far—and besides, to draw the line here and not at other places reveals why we need humbling. As Jesus points out here, such taxes are a sign of alienation between the rulers and the ruled.

What about regulations? Do not assume that you are required to do whatever a random bureaucrat says you are required to do. There is a difference between regulations and laws—with regulations frequently being illegal and unconstitutional themselves. At the same time, do not embroil yourself in nickel/dime controversies. This would include building regulations, EPA regulations, and so forth. But making such prudent choices does not mean your conscience is bound. At the same time, you do what you do before God.

Those who have a zeal for liberty sometimes display an absolute genius for picking a swamp to defend instead of a hill. In a perfect world, we would not have to get a license in order to mow our own lawns, but in the meantime, take care that you do not set yourself up to have to fight over issues with a very low rate of return.

None of these issues can be settled with a check list mentality. “Is this okay? How about that?” The principles which should be brought to bear on your decision include history, context, resources, accountability, and more. Seek to grow in grace and wisdom.

Render to God

Now let’s return to our text. That which Caesar can manage to get his image on can lawfully be rendered to him (although Christ does not teach that it must be). But we bear the image of God. Therefore, we are prohibited from rendering ourselves, or our children, to Caesar. When he claims ultimacy, we are required to clearly and plainly say, “We must not do as you say.”

But how can we understand the image of God, unless we recover the biblical vision of God? If we do not know God, then how can we comprehend or see that which reflects Him? We cannot know ourselves without seeing God revealed as the Most High. Man- centered religion is therefore the enemy of . . . man, the image-bearer. This is why reformation in the church is essential to political reformation.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty (2 Cor. 3:17). This is not because of some mysterious and invisible connection, but rather because the Spirit of God works in converted men and women in order to renew the defaced image of God. “. . . and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness” (Eph. 4:23-24).

There is more to this than simply refusing to render the imago Dei to Caesar. We must render ourselves and our children to God, so that He might teach us the truth, and consequently set us free. A righteous and holy people have never been successfully enslaved. We, on the other hand, have been made slaves. The way out is not to beat your head against the walls of the prison. The way out is the pursuit of righteousness and holiness. And that can only be accomplished through the gospel of free grace. Only free grace can grow free men.

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