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Love & Respect (Biblical Marriage Basics #9)

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INTRODUCTION

As we conclude this marriage series, we finish with the apostles’ review of the central duties of husbands and wives. And as we do so, we should recall the cosmic ramifications and nuclear potential in well-ordered marriages. If marriage is one of the central reflections of the New World that Christ is ushering into existence through His love of His Bride and her growing glory, and if marriage is that place where new, immortal souls are being brought into existence under God’s blessing, then the stakes are high and love and respect are not just extraneous courtesies, but central protocols for a thriving home, church, and nation.

THE TEXT

“Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

LOVE & RESPECT

When God commands pastors to feed God’s sheep, it is a reasonable inference that the sheep need to be fed (1 Pet. 5:2). Likewise, when God commands husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands, it is a reasonable inference to assume that these are particular things each one needs. As Douglas Wilson likes to say, men run on diesel, women on unleaded. And if you know anything about that metaphor, you should also know that it will not go well to mix them up. It is not wrong for a man to respect his wife or a wife to love her husband, but it is wrong to knowingly neglect that which God has specifically commanded.

Part of the challenge here is that everyone tends to give what they want, and since a woman wants to be loved, she tends to give love, and since a man wants to be respected, he tends to give respect. And this is definitely one of those places where a great deal of faith is needed because obedience to these commands frequently doesn’t make sense to the spouse commanded to give it. But obedience is always better than sacrifice (1 Sam. 15:22), and disobedience is a form of a witchcraft, trying to trick blessing out of our preferences or methods (1 Sam. 15:23).

WHAT IS LOVE?

Love is obedient, sacrificial protection and provision that results in security, beauty, and glory. “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 Jn. 5:10). C.S. Lewis says somewhere that women tend to think of love as taking trouble for someone else, while men tend to think of love as not giving trouble to someone else. This can be helpful for interpreting one another, but “taking trouble” really is closer to the biblical pattern of sacrifice.

We should underline that Christ-like love includes drawing near as Christ has done in the Incarnation – husbands must “dwell” with their wives in an understanding way (1 Pet. 3:7). Christ-like love communicates (particularly affection, security, attraction) – just as Christ has done through His Word and ministry.  Christ-like love expresses sympathy and compassion – just as Christ sympathizes with us in our weakness as our High Priest (Heb. 4:15). This covenant love is an overarching commitment to be gracious, a resolute orientation of kindness, even while leading or correcting, even in the face of opposition.

WHAT IS RESPECT?

Respect is obedient, sacrificial honor, submission, and obedience that results in wisdom, strength, and glory. A wife is instructed to adorn herself with the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that trusts in God and obeys her husband, calling him “lord” or “master” just as Sara obeyed Abraham (1 Pet. 3:5-6). Part of the reason why even many Christian wives have difficulty with the command to respect their husbands is because they do not actually think of their husbands as a true authority. There are so many jokes about who the “boss” is and to be fair, so many cowardly men, that to speak of the true authority of a husband seems almost strange or foreign. While no woman is required to marry any particular man, when she does, she is voluntarily placing herself under his authority. The husband is the head of his wife, as Christ is the head of the Church (Eph. 5:23).

Respect is full of esteem, praise, and admiration for achievements, strengths, and abilities. Respect is shown through speaking highly of him, honoring his preferences, cheerfully obeying his decisions, gracious serving his needs, and the thoughtful adorning of body and home. A wife ought to give thought to how she can best arrange the home, meals, schedules, and her own adornment in a way to bless her husband and his needs or preferences, not merely what she prefers.

CONCLUSION

The Bible does not teach that husbands should love their wives if they have been acting particularly loveable. Nor does it teach that wives should respect their husbands if they have been acting particularly respectable. No, the logic of the gospel takes personal initiative. Christ loved us when we were unlovely, and Christ submitted to authorities that were acting unjustly when we were among the unrighteous. And He did both in order to overcome evil with good. Christ-like love efficaciously bestows loveliness. And Christ-like respect and submission efficaciously bestows honor and respectability.

The stakes really are high. It is no accident that when our enemies sought to undermine the influence of Christianity in our land, they went for the jugular: marriage and marital fidelity. Marriage is the nucleus of society; it is the nuclear power of a culture. We are currently living in the nuclear fallout of splitting the marriage atom and pretending that all is well. But Christ was crucified because the curse of our rebellion is that bad, and the promise is that all who look to Him in faith will be healed, the curses of all disobedience taken away. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:9).

While this doesn’t mean that the consequences of sin are automatically eradicated, the blessing of Christ is the promise of His favor in whatever circumstances we are in. This blessing is what gives us courage to love and respect in obedience, whether it makes sense to us or not, whether it looks like it’s working or not. If we have the blessing of God, we have everything we need.

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A Guilt-Free Feast

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INTRODUCTION

Earthly joys are like an elevator. They can only go so high. They are intended to leave us longing for the eternal joys found in the presence of the Most High, and the pleasures at His right hand. Sinful man keeps trying to make the trip to the top floor last just a bit longer, but he’s always disappointed when he must return to the lobby. Instead of being content with the fleetingness of the shadow-glories, he tries to live in the elevator. As a result, he has filled it full of his stench and filth.

THE TEXT

But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness. Even as David also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God imputeth righteousness without works, Saying, Blessed are they whose iniquities are forgiven, and whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord will not impute sin (Romans 4:5–8).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

This text is full-proof Gospel. It is high-octane Gospel. It is 24-karat Gospel. Paul, using Abraham as the archetype of all the righteous, argues that faith is the means whereby the saints in all ages are reckoned as righteous. It is not the works of righteousness that justifies you (v5a), rather, by believing on Christ who justifies the ungodly you receive righteousness not your own (v5b).

Paul isn’t innovating some new-fangled doctrine. This doctrine is evident in the Old Testament in both Abraham’s example and in David’s Psalms. Paul summarizes the 32nd Psalm: David is describing the blessing of receiving imputed righteousness through no works of our own (v6). Paul quotes Psalm 32:1-2, which extols the blessedness of our sins being forgiven, our guilt being covered, and our ledger being purged by the graciousness of the Lord (vv7-8).

It is worth noting what else is contained in Psalm 32. When we try to hide our sin, the hand of the Lord is heavy upon us (Ps. 32:3-4). But when we confess our sin, and flee to Jehovah we find Him to be a shelter from the flood, and a symphony of redeeming love (Ps. 32:5-7). While the wicked are encompassed by sorrow (Ps. 32:10), those who trust in the Lord are marked by hearty rejoicing (Ps. 32:11). In other words, God clears the guilty by offering them the righteousness of Christ. Those who receive this righteousness by faith enjoy true blessedness.

THE EARTH IS THE LORD’S

Mankind has two ways in which he treats earthly joys. The first is by devouring them feverishly, as if eternal life is found in them. The other is the ascetic who tries to float two inches off the ground, lest he be soiled by the ickiness of matter. A mark of the moralist is trying to locate moral righteousness in our relation to the stuff of creation instead of in our relation to the Creator. Put differently, sinful man has discovered many clever ways to play a shell game with his guilt.
One of the primary places this tendency shows up is in regards to food. It’s not uncommon to speak of food in moralistic terms: good for you; junk food; guilty pleasure; clean eating; natural (as opposed to what? Unnatural?); those brownies are just sinful. It might be concluded that if you can have guilt-free Whipped-Cream, maybe you don’t need to confess that simmering malice towards your co-worker.
All of this is the nervous tic of a culture with a guilty conscience. The soul plagued by the guilt of unconfessed sin, and without the assurance of imputed righteousness, will endeavor to find righteousness somewhere. Our culture has refused to come to Christ, and are now endeavoring to find moral righteousness anywhere other than in Christ. Shampoo bottles labeled “no guilt”; clothing made of ethically sourced materials; the mob cajoling everyone to get on “the right side of history.”

All this sort of thing is an attempt to hide our sin from God and concoct a homemade brew of righteousness. If you eat the right sort of food, in the right amount, wearing the right clothing, from the right places, having washed with the right soaps, all while thinking all the right thoughts and embracing all the Correct Sentiments you imagine that your guilt is cleansed & righteousness is obtained.

But Scripture teaches us that it isn’t what goes into you that defiles you. Sin isn’t in the stuff. Sin isn’t a disease that needs to be eradicated. Sin is lawlessness (1 Jn. 3:4). Likewise, righteousness isn’t found in the right clothing, the right sentiments, the right voting record. Righteousness is found in Christ alone.

Understanding that the only ground to stand before God is to be given Another’s righteousness then enables you to say with the Psalmist, “The earth is the LORD’S, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein (Psa 24:1).” You no longer fret about what you eat or drink or wear or where you will go or for how long (Cf. Mt. 6:31-34), not because you’ve turned into an apathetic hippy. Rather, you walk in the knowledge that all these earthly joys are the sampler platter for the eternal joys, which those who are justified by faith in Christ will enjoy in eternity.

WITHOUT MALICE & BITTERNESS

We must reject both the asceticism & gluttony of the guilt-riddled world. God’s favor isn’t found by turning up a pietistic nose at the world’s pleasure. Nor is God’s wrath avoided by slurping up every last pleasure without a shred of gratitude. When we come to God, through Christ, we are assured that our sins are covered and the earth is ours.

Paul exhorts us to keep the feast, the Lord’s Supper, without malice or bitterness (1Co 5:8). This spiritual feast should imitated in our earthly feasting. At the Lord’s table, there isn’t a VIP section that gets special treatment. Your sins are forgiven. But this means that your spouse’s sins against you are forgiven too. The sister who you feel gets all the attention, the friend who is more popular, the family whose Christmas card arrives on December 1st with bright-white smiles staring back at you, if they are Christ’s, their sins are forgiven too.

Much of the time, when things go sideways at family gatherings, it’s due to all manner of rivalries, gripes, unconfessed sins, grievances, and contentions that are tangled up worse than the strands of Christmas lights. This isn’t how Christians should feast. Because of what we celebrate on this table, we can feast at our own tables in peace. Christ has covered your sin. God does not impute your sin to you. So stop bringing up that slight from 14 years ago, cover it.

THE BLESSING OF BEING GUILTLESS

While the world insists that blessedness is found in indulging all our carnal lusts, or in presenting the soiled garments of self-righteousness to God, you must rest in the knowledge that Scripture teaches that blessedness is found in being guiltless. This means, you need to stop looking at yourself. Stop licking your lips, craving only your self-gratification. Stop smugly relishing that sense of moral superiority because your cupboards have no trace of seed-oils.

A blessed life is a guilt-free life. How can you be held guiltless? By faith alone, in Christ alone. Not by self-indulgence or self-abnegation. Christ, the only guiltless-one, became guilty in your stead so that you could be righteous. Not only that, but because you are counted righteous and your guilt is forgiven, you can enjoy that extra slab of pecan pie without a moral crisis; you can retell the Pilgrim story without being plunged into a struggle session over white privilege.

All your guilt, both real & imagined is dealt with by the cross of the Lord Jesus. This doctrine doesn’t water down our enjoyment of earth’s joys. It thickens them up. The joys are fleeting. But your sins are forgiven. So pass around the gravy, sing a few loud psalms, toss the football, take a nap, and do it all to the glory of God.

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A Great Mystery (Biblical Marriage Basics #8)

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INTRODUCTION

Our confusions surrounding marriage are legion, and therefore it is no surprise that our confusions bleed into how we raise our sons and daughters or how we think about pursuing marriage or try to function within marriage. But all of these things are related and relate back to Christ and His union with His Bride, the Church. Our theology comes out our fingertips.

THE TEXT

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31-32).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The previous verse echoed Adam’s poem regarding the glory of the first woman, his wife, affirming that we are one with Christ, “of his flesh and of his bones” (5:30). And Genesis says that it is for that reason, that a man leaves his father and mother (Gen. 2:24). Because man was made first and the woman was taken from the man to become his glory, a man leaves his father and mother (Eph. 5:31). This leaving is for the purpose of forming a new union, a new family, to become one flesh with his wife (Eph. 5:31). Paul says that “this” one-flesh union is a great mystery, but the real mystery is how this is true of Jesus and His church (Eph. 5:32).

WE ARE NOT TRIBALISTS

We are not tribalists; we are Christians. And this means that when a marriage occurs a new family comes into existence. While the fifth commandment continues to be in force when a new family is formed, the honor due takes on a new tenor. Likewise, when a man leaves his parents’ household, he is forming a new household and he no longer owes the same kind of obedience to his parents, beyond basic biblical morals or inter-familial decisions. This means that a Christian marriage honors parents while making its own decisions before God and forming new habits and customs, and this requires some measure of space. It’s a great blessing to live near our families, and in general can be something we lean toward, but co-dependent children, overbearing parents, and tribal compounds can create real familial snarls.

THE BASIC SHAPE

The basic shape of Christian courtship and marriage is that a man leaves; a woman is given. Of course sometimes a woman grows up and also leaves in a sense, but when a man leaves, he leaves to establish a direction, a mission before God. In a Christian family, a grown daughter still looks to her family for support and protection, even if she does eventually form her own household. But a woman is ordinarily looking for man on a mission to join. It is good and right for a woman to use her gifts on her own, but she is made by God to make a home and so her calling/vocation will always be subordinate to that primary instinct of nurture and hospitality.

This means that asking a woman out on a date is an interruption by design. A woman is called to cleave, to join her husband’s mission. While this does not obliterate a woman’s interests or gifts, those interests and gifts really are submitted to the mission of her husband. It is not true that a man and a woman join in marriage and then work out a joint-partnership in terms of the direction and mission of the family. This will only result in great confusion, heartache, and resentment. In an offer of marriage, a woman is being asked to join a man’s mission.

THAT PRIMAL WOUND

A woman comes into maturity biologically, but a man comes into maturity more experientially, through the “blood” of crisis and survival. This is why boys in particular must be taught to be tough from their earliest years; they must be required to fight through their pain, their hunger, their fatigue, and their sins. As boys grow up, they must be encouraged to take risks, face consequences, and not be coddled or shielded, particularly by momma bears. This is also why boys need to see their fathers “leaving” to go out into the world to work and returning faithfully with provision. They are learning to embrace that adventure.

While Adam was literally wounded by God to come into his maturity as a husband, ever since, a man is “wounded” by leaving his father and mother. A young man must embrace the sacrifice of taking responsibility for himself, for his future, acting and thinking for himself before God and facing the real life consequences of those choices. Under God’s blessing, that leaving is ordinarily the path to marriage and family and dominion, but the cursed version of leaving is abandonment. We live in a culture that is facing the increasing results of young men abandoned, particularly by their fathers. And this is why the message of the gospel is for our culture: Christ, the perfect Son, came and endured that particular curse, that God-forsaken Hell, in order to restore all the lost and estranged boys back to their Good Heavenly Father.

A GREAT MYSTERY

Paul acknowledges that this whole thing is a great mystery, and the way of a man with a maid really is too wonderful (Prov. 30:19). But Paul is quick to insist that the real mystery, the real wonder is how this union has its greatest expression in Christ and the Church. Christ left His Father on a mission to save the world, and He endured the shame and misery of the Cross, so that from His side, a new Eve, the Christian Church might be formed. But that is not all: Christ bled and died so that He and the Christian Church might be one. The really glorious mystery is that Christ is more one with His bride than any human marriage in the history of the world. We who are sinners are united to the sinless One. “For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his” (Rom. 6:5, Gal. 3:23ff).

CONCLUSION

This great mystery is not the obliteration of male and female. In Christ, the image of God is being restored and glorified, while the enmity is being crushed and destroyed. In Christ, man is restored to the glory of God, and woman is restored to the glory of man (1 Cor. 11). In Christ, men who leave their fathers and mothers are never abandoned, and they are empowered take back up the mission of God, and under His blessing, they are crowned with the glory of a wife. In Christ, husbands are strengthened to love, wives are strengthened to respect, and in so doing, the wedding feast of the Lamb comes a little closer: the New Jerusalem, coming down from God out of Heaven as a bride adorned for her husband (Rev. 19:7-9, 21:2).

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Actual Good Grief (Authentic Ministry #16)

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INTRODUCTION

There are three kinds of grief in this passage. The first is Paul’s godly response to the pastoral meltdown at Corinthian. Paul had been entirely “cast down” (v. 6), and this was the troubles out of which the coming of Titus had been the deliverance. Then there is the godly sorrow and grief that follows after sin, and which results in true repentance (v. 10). But the third kind, the sorrow “of the world” leads only to death (v. 10).

THE TEXT

 “Receive us; we have wronged no man, we have corrupted no man, we have defrauded no man. I speak not this to condemn you: for I have said before, that ye are in our hearts to die and live with you. Great is my boldness of speech toward you, great is my glorying of you: I am filled with comfort, I am exceeding joyful in all our tribulation. For, when we were come into Macedonia, our flesh had no rest, but we were troubled on every side; without were fightings, within were fears . . .” (2 Corinthians 7:2–16).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The first exhortation here to “receive us” is echoing the earlier summons to open or enlarge their hearts (v. 2). Paul says he has wronged no one, corrupted no one, and defrauded no one (v. 2). This is perhaps an indication of the charges made against him. Paul is not trying to condemn the Corinthians who are on the fence—with all his heart he wants to die and live with them (v. 3) Paul is bold with them because he is overjoyed in them, and filled with comfort (v. 4). We now learn about how torn up Paul was in Macedonia—fears within, quarrels without (v. 5). But Paul was comforted two ways—the first through the coming of Titus (v. 6), and second by the news Titus brought (v. 7). Paul was greatly comforted to learn about the Corinthians “earnest desire,” their “mourning,” and their “fervent mind toward” Paul (v. 7). Although Paul made them sorry with that letter, he did not regret it now (v. 8)—although there were some moments where he did regret it. Their sorrow was just for a season (v. 8)—their sorrow was a fruitful sorrow, not a damaging sorrow (v. 9). For there are two kinds of sorrow and grief—one leads to repentance and salvation, while a worldly sorry just works death (v. 10). He then describes their godly sorrow, the components of which were diligence, clearing themselves, indignation, fear, vehement desire, zeal, and vindication (v. 11). In all this, they went above and beyond. Paul was not aiming at the ringleader in the congregation who had caused the trouble, nor was he defending himself, but rather that they might see his pastoral care for them (v. 12).  This is why the news from Titus about how refreshed he was in them was so good (v. 13). When Paul had bragged about the Corinthians to Titus, this was simply the same kind of truth he spoke to them. And they had not embarrassed him (v. 14). And now Titus is warmly attached to that congregation as well (v. 15). Note that this deep affection is not inconsistent with obedience, and fear, and trembling (v. 15). The whole episode has caused Paul to rejoice in all things (v. 16).

A MESS IN CORINTH, AND ANOTHER ONE IN MACEDONIA

Paul had a meltdown situation in Corinth, which he had sent Titus to deal with by means of a letter. He came to Macedonia, expecting to find Titus there, but he was delayed. But instead of Titus, he found a bad situation there in Macedonia—everywhere he turned he ran into conflict (v. 5).

Internally, Paul was beset with fears that all his work might come crashing down. This was a common concern of his—were all those floggings for nothing? Consider Gal. 4:11; 1 Thess. 3:5; and 2 Cor. 11:28-29.

IN THE PERSON OF TITUS

When Titus came, God was the one who comforted Paul (v. 6). Titus was the instrument, and God was the agent. This expression is likely an allusion to Is. 49:13 in the LXX—where God brings eschatological comfort to His people. The coming of Titus was like that. Christ has a body, and He works good for His people through that body. You are the hands and feet of Christ Himself in the world.

SEVENFOLD REPENTANCE

The repentance of the Corinthians before Titus had been a convulsive and dramatic one. They were not at all trying to preserve their dignity, putting things right without ever having to humble themselves. Remember that Paul mentions their obedience, their fear, and their trembling. This is a combination of a felt and very real authority with deep and open affection—the kind that Paul displayed with his enlarged heart.

The sevenfold repentance could not be described as being in any way nonchalant. They were diligent, they worked to clear themselves, there was real indignation, they feared, they showed vehement desire, they displayed their zeal, and their hunger for vindication. And notice that Titus accepts all of this kind of behavior, as does Paul.

ACTUAL GOOD GRIEF

Paul sharply distinguishes godly sorrow from a worldly sorrow. There are two kinds of sorrow. The fact that you did something wrong, and are sorrow about it, does not by itself mean anything. Suppose you did something that was pretty tawdry, and you are humiliated about it. Every time you think about it, your forehead gets hot. You sinned on Monday, and you are sorry on Tuesday. Comes Friday, and you are still gnawing on your sorrow, like a dog with a bone. You are sorry yesterday, sorry today, and sorry tomorrow. At this rate, you are going to die sorry. That kind of sorrow is one of the things that needs to be repented of.

The godly sorrow that Paul describes right alongside it is a godly sorrow that “works repentance to salvation.” That salvation, remember, is Christ. Godly sorrow drives you where? Godly sorrow leads straight to Christ. Godly sorrow leads you straight to the place of no regrets (v. 10). The way such a thing could ever be possible is that if all our regrets, and all the sins that produce such regrets, are bundled up together and laid on the shoulders of Christ at the moment when He bowed His head and died.

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Such a High Priest (CCD)

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THE TEXT

Now this is the main point of the things we are saying: We have such a High Priest, who is seated at the right hand of the throne of the Majesty in the heavens, 2 a Minister of the sanctuary and of the true tabernacle which the Lord erected, and not man.

3 For every high priest is appointed to offer both gifts and sacrifices. Therefore it is necessary that this One also have something to offer. 4 For if He were on earth, He would not be a priest, since there are priests who offer the gifts according to the law; 5 who serve the copy and shadow of the heavenly things, as Moses was divinely instructed when he was about to make the tabernacle. For He said, “See that you make all things according to the pattern shown you on the mountain.” 6 But now He has obtained a more excellent ministry, inasmuch as He is also Mediator of a better covenant, which was established on better promises.

7 For if that first covenant had been faultless, then no place would have been sought for a second. 8 Because finding fault with them, He says: “Behold, the days are coming, says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah— 9 not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day when I took them by the hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt; because they did not continue in My covenant, and I disregarded them, says the Lord. 10 For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the Lord: I will put My laws in their mind and write them on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 11 None of them shall teach his neighbor, and none his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them. 12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.”

13 In that He says, “A new covenant,” He has made the first obsolete. Now what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away (Hebrews 8 NKJV).

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