INTRODUCTION

A minister friend of mine once said that parents don’t really get their report cards until they see their grandchildren thriving in the Lord. This means that our goal as parents should not only be to see our own children standing with us inflicting damage on the kingdom of darkness, but also see our grandchildren standing with us and peace upon Israel (cf. Ps. 128:6).

THE TEXT

“Give ear, O my people, to my law: incline your ears to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth in a parable: I will utter dark sayings of old: Which we have heard and known, and our fathers have told us…” (Ps. 78:1-8)

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

This Psalm of Asaph is a ballad about the sordid history of Israel, God’s faithfulness, and the duty of grandparents to ensure that their grandchildren sing the praises of the Lord (Ps. 78:4). Like the father and mother in Proverbs, there is an appeal to listen to the grandparents (Ps. 78:1). And what they say is a parable, a dark saying or riddle of old (Ps. 78:2). Parables are stories that make one wise, and it’s no accident that the Hebrew word is associated with the rule of kings (cf. 1 Kgs. 3). Older folks naturally tell stories, and this is their duty – it is a great sin to “hide” the wonderful works of the Lord from your grandchildren because that results in less praise to the Lord (Ps. 78:4). This all goes back to God’s own self-revelation and testimony that He intended for parents and grandparents to pass down to children and grandchildren (Ps. 78:5-6). Done rightly, it teaches each generation to set their hope in God and not forget Him, like so many previous generations (Ps. 78:7-8).

THE HEARTS OF GRANDPARENTS

It is the temptation of the young to reject the wisdom of the old, and it is the temptation of the old to grow bitter and resentful. The longer your life the more hard things you carry, and the temptation is to either let them weigh you down or else try to escape. In one direction, you may give into anxiety or anger; in the other direction, you may try to bury your fears and frustrations in empty retirement pursuits (e.g. golf, entertainment, travel). In either direction, you fail to tell your children and grandchildren the wonderful works of God (Ps. 78:4). While longer life brings temptations, by the same token, the longer your life the more good things you carry, and that should translate into joy, gratitude, patience, and wisdom. The gospel teaches the older generation to do this regardless of how it seems to be received.

RETIREMENT & INHERITANCE

Since we were all made for fruitful work and industry, our general goal should be to work hard until we can’t. This hard work can and will take different forms over the decades, but the modern American expectation of retirement at 65 and spending your life savings on RVs and cruises is a great evil. “A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children: and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just” (Prov. 13:22). This inheritance should ordinarily include financial and material provision: “Behold, the third time I am ready to come to you; and I will not be burdensome to you: for I seek not yours, but you: for the children ought not to lay up for the parents, but the parents for the children” (2 Cor. 12:14). But this inheritance should also include the wisdom you’ve learned, telling the wonderful works of God (Eccl. 7:11).

RISING UP

We live in a land that has rejected the inheritance of our grandfathers, and we have done this perhaps most insidiously in how we have sent them away to nursing homes and allowed the government to fund and oversee their care. The COVID insanity was perhaps one great wakeup call that this system is completely bankrupt. We have done a civil version of what the Jews had done in the first century, counting money paid into the system as some kind of subsititute for actually caring for our parents and grandparents in old age (Mk. 7:6-13). While there are sometimes health needs that require medical assistance, it should be far more normal for our grandparents to end their days surrounded by their people before being gathered to their people (cf. Gen. 25:8). Part of the reason for this is what they have to say (e.g. Gen. 49:2-33).

THE GLORY OF OLD MEN

“Children’s children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers” (Prov. 17:6). “The glory of young men is their strength: and the beauty of old men is the gray head” (Prov. 20:29). “Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD” (Lev. 19:32). All of this teaches us that there is great glory in pursuing life together over generations. Sometimes because of sin or tragedy, this must be started over, and so that should be embraced in faith (e.g. Abraham, Gen. 23:19). God puts the solitary in families (Ps. 68:6).

As with all glory, it is heavy, and that means there will be challenges. But the goal should be honor. Parents, honor your parents, so that your children will learn how. Grandparents, honor your children, the parents of your grandchildren, so that they will learn how. Every family has to learn their own dance, but some basic principles would be warmth and space. Give yourself warmly to one another, joyfully, gratefully, and then also recognize that space needs to be given for individual families to exist. Don’t meddle; assume the best. And keep short accounts.

CONCLUSION

Many of our cultural commentators have pointed out that our land is suffering from a great spell of amnesia. We have forgotten who we are. We have forgotten what God did for us in this land, for our families, for our ancestors. And while there has been great evil in the younger generations rejecting the wisdom of our parents and grandparents, there has also been great evil in the older generations, refusing to tell their children and grandchildren, having stubborn and rebellious hearts (Ps. 78:4, 8).

But the central theme of Psalm 78 is the faithfulness of the Lord, His mercies, His compassion. Even though we have so often failed to remember Him, He has remembered us (Ps. 78:37-39). And this is what drives our praise. He is our faithful Father, the God of our fathers, and His faithfulness always gives us something to talk about, even something to sing about. “But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children’s children” (Psa. 103:17).

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INTRODUCTION

The goal of parenting is not merely that our children would submit to the standard, but rather that they would love the standard (Dt. 6:5-7). Our goal is not merely that their faith would survive intact or that they would avoid various moral hazards. Our goal is that they would rise up with us and do damage to the Kingdom of darkness, that they would be hazards to unbelief and immorality. We want to raise dangerous kids – children that hate the darkness even more than us, love Jesus even more than us, and drive the Devil and all his works further off the field.

THE TEXT

“Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is hisreward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.” (Psalm 127)

SPEAKING WITH ENEMIES IN THE GATE

The end of this Psalm implies something about how God builds houses and guards cities: He gives children that understand the mission and join us in the work (Ps. 127:5, 1). Parenting in faith (versus fear/anxiety) means looking for that fruit expectantly and encouraging it and praising it as it emerges. As children finish their elementary and middle school years, there should be less artificial consequences, more real-life consequences (e.g. chores, restitution, etc.), and more and more dialogue about everything. This means that you need to shift your tone from one of gracious authority to a tone of friendship and counsel. The goal is that your children will speak with your enemies in the gates as your peer, and you are the one primarily responsible that they be prepared to do that.

There are many warnings in Scripture about the power of words: death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21). Sharp words are like a dagger, but the tongue of the wise gives good health (Prov. 12:18). A wholesome tongue is a tree of life (Prov. 15:4). This applies to all people, but the way spouses talk to one another and parents to their children is potent, especially when you disagree with them or they have sinned or made some mistake. Remember also, that you are helping them prepare for their own marriages and families, so focus on loving your daughters and respecting your sons in your words, affection, and loyalty. The irony is that a certain kind of critical harping (about “high” standards) often tempts children to join the enemy, while respectful dialogue and patient, friendly sparing prepares them to speak with the enemy.

GIVING FREEDOM

Remember that the plan is for your children to leave your home, and therefore, sometime in high school you should tell your son/daughter that they are free to do whatever they want in the Lord. The goal is for them to act like adults while they are still in your home, so that if/when they run into challenges/trouble, you are right there to help before they leave. And when sin/folly occurs, resist the temptation to overreact or clamp down. Treat them the way you would want to be treated; try to remember what you were like at that age. Maybe think about how you would talk to another teenager who needs help; your teenagers should get your best version. And think about accountability in the same way: offer it, encourage it, and only insist on it, if God requires it. Related to all of this: pick your battles carefully. Way better to stay in fellowship and let some things go than to overzealously drive your children away.

BOYS & GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT (PT. 2)

Sexual temptations that face teenagers generally incline boys to desire and girls desire to be desired. This is because God made women to be the glory of man (Gen. 2:23, 1 Cor. 11:7). There is nothing sinful about noticing this, but honoring the marriage bed means not allowing lust to contaminate your mind or emotions. Chastity means not giving or taking physically or emotionally what God has not blessed. While this certainly means that men must pursue covenant fidelity, particularly with their eyes (Job 31:1), it must also be pointed out that women must pursue covenant fidelity, particularly with their emotions (Song 2:7, 3:5). Practically, parents should talk about the glory of marriage and children from the earliest days, allowing for no foolish talk of “crushes” or “who likes who” or dating before marriage is an actual possibility. More on this next week.

CONCLUSION: WHEN YOU HAVEN’T DONE IT RIGHT

When you haven’t been doing it right, the answer is to confess your sins and repent as much as you can (Js. 5:16). But begin by confessing your sin to God, seeking His forgiveness, and praying for His grace to repent and lead your family back into the light (Job 1:5). Don’t try to turn the whole thing on a dime. Talk to your spouse, and make sure you’re on the same page first. Make sure there aren’t any outstanding disagreements, grudges, or offenses between you. Then pray hard together for some time about talking with your kids.

If your children are still relatively young (elementary years), confess your sins to them, and tell them that you are going to begin obeying God by requiring joyful, prompt obedience (Eph. 6:1). Maybe pick the top 1-2 things that need work, do 1-2 weeks of practice, and then enforce it. If there are 15 things that are wrong, just start with the top ones, don’t try to tackle everything at once. God is patient with us, and often small steps of repentance have a way of multiplying and clearing up other areas.

If your children are in middle school or high school (or even grown and gone), and you haven’t been faithful, you should sit them down (or call), explain what you haven’t done right, ask their forgiveness, and then tell them that you want to begin doing what is right. You should make it plain that you will not try to force their obedience but that you will strive to honor Jesus. Ask them if they are willing to join you. Make a plan together for how you will establish new patterns of life. Keep the gospel at the center. Jesus turns the hearts of fathers and children.

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