Christ Church

Self-Deception in Marriage

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INTRODUCTION

Self-deception is truly an interesting psychological phenomenon. I mean, whenever it occurs in your life, that means that you are the one lied to, and you are the liar, and you buy it. “Seems reasonable,” you mutter to yourself.

Now at one level, Scripture teaches that every form of sin, disobedience or unbelief is a form of self-deception. You are living in the world that God made, with all of His self-disclosure operating, and yet you are steadfastly telling yourself that the world isn’t really like that.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: But he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise” (Proverbs 12:15). “There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness” (Proverbs 30:12). Sin is the refusal to see your relationship to God and His world for what it actually is, and so it is a form of self-deception.

THE TEXT

“He feedeth on ashes: A deceived heart hath turned him aside, that he cannot deliver his soul, nor say, Is there not a lie in my right hand?” (Isaiah 44:20).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Isaiah is speaking the plain stupidity that cuts down a tree (v. 14), and which uses a portion of the wood to keep himself warm, and to cook his food, on the one hand (v. 15), and from the rest of the wood he carves an object of adoration (vv. 15, 17, 19).

A deceived heart is turned aside, meaning that a deceived heart is both deceived and deceiving. The end result is that the idol he has fashioned to deliver him will be unable to deliver him. He should have known this already because he carved his savior out of a piece of wood that he cut down himself.

FOUR KINDS OF SELF-DECEPTION

We have already seen that all sins are self-deception at some level, but there are certain forms of it that might be called “high-profile” instances of self-deception.

Forgetful neglect of application: “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was . . . If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain” (James 1:22-24, 26). The deception occurs in between the sermon and the moment this afternoon when application is called for.

Assumption of innocence: “If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). Everyone here is encased in a first-person-singular narrative. And everyone here has a strong impulse to trust the narrator, which is a bad idea.

Neglect of holiness: “Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain” (1 Corinthians 3:18–20). We are very prone to self-deception when it comes to the moral demands of the free grace gospel. “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:9–10).

Self-serving flattery: “For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself” (Gal. 6:3). Every man wants to be the hero in his own story, and casting yourself in that role is the very worst way of accomplishing this.

A BAD MARRIAGE OR A BAD ATTITUDE

Not all Christian marriages are successful. Some really thrive, most are pretty okay, some struggle along, and a handful are what we would call “bad marriages.” If you would put yourself in that category, I want to suggest one more division that I hope you might find helpful.

One kind of bad marriage is the result of a real mismatch of persons. The conflicts and difficulties arise out of the clashes between very different perspectives. The communicate poorly and problems result. They assume too much in opposite directions and problems result. This does happen, and a lot of good pastoral help is available—in Scripture, with counselors, with good literature.

But the intractable problems are, in my experience, not strictly speaking bad marriages at all. The marriage is just the location where the badness is manifesting itself. What would you think of someone who gave a restaurant a savage one-star review on Yelp, and if you asked him why he did that, the response was that while he was there he got the worst toothache of his life? You should say, yeah, that wasn’t a bad restaurant experience. It was a bad experience in a restaurant.

Intractable marriages problems are often intractable problems in a marriage, not the result of the marriage.

PRIDE, THE GREAT ENEMY

When a self-deceived person marries, they are moving into a room filled with excuses. Opportunities for misdirection and blame-shifting abound. Remember that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9). The thing that deceives such a person is the pride of his heart (Oba. 3), and remember that pride goes before destruction (Prov. 16:18). The self-deceived husband compares himself to himself, and the wife measures herself with herself (2 Cor. 10:12). These are not wise.

I am talking about (and to) the husband who is sullen, grouchy, and angry all the time. He tells himself is not angry all the time because he is not yelling all the time, which tells us how much he knows about it. I am talking about (and to) the wife who is a lazy and undisciplined, and if any real work threatens to intrude, she is sure to develop a serious malady with ambiguous symptoms. These two examples are stand-ins for countless others. The problem, the central problem, is self-deception.

THE MIRROR OF CHRIST

The only remedy for such self-deception is to see yourself accurately, and this can only be done by looking into the perfect law of liberty (Jas. 1:5). But this should not be understood as a detached list of rules. Christ is the end (telos) of the law (Rom. 10:4). Your identity is in Christ. If you look at yourself there, in the mirror of Christ, you do not just see Christ. You also see yourself, perhaps for the very first time.

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The Glory of Womanhood (King’s Cross Church)

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INTRODUCTION

The glory of a woman is her beauty, and but real Biblical beauty is not mere externals but something far deeper and richer and incorruptible that cultivates and glorifies life. Man is the glory of God and woman is the glory of man, and this means that she is the glory of the glory. She makes the human race shine. The center of this glory is the wisdom of motherhood, through building and making homes where life is conceived, blessed, enriched, and loved.

THE TEXT

“And Adam said, ‘This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man’” (Gen. 2:23).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The poetry that Adam is using here is a Hebrew superlative: “bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh.” This is like Holy of Holies which is the Most Holy Place or the Song of Songs: The Greatest Song. Adam is saying that this person is like him only better, only more beautiful, more glorious. This is why Paul says that the woman is the “glory of man” (1 Cor. 11). The woman is man glorified, humanity 2.0.

All the way through the creation narrative, the word for “man” is the word “adam.” He was named this because he was taken out of the ground, the “adamah” (Gen. 2:7, 3:19). We might call that name: “earth man.” Our English translations go back and forth between translating the word as “man” and “Adam.” And it really does mean both things. But in Gen. 2:23, at the very moment where Adam names his bride “Woman,” he gives himself a new name.

The word for “woman” is “eeshah,” and it seems to be related in some way to the word for “fire” (“eysh”). Right at the moment when the woman is presented to Adam, he says she is his glory, man-glorified (“bone of my bones, flesh of my flesh”), he names her “glory” (or “fire”), and he says that it is because she was taken from – and here, he gives himself a new name: “eesh.” He names his wife “eeshah” because she was taken out of “eesh” (“glory-man”).

The point is that Adam is saying that in the gift of the woman, in the gift of his wife, he has been changed. He is a new man now. She has made him new. In the very act of naming and blessing his wife, he says the blessing has come upon him. He has become a new man because of her glory. She shines, and she shines so brightly, that it lights him up: his face shines with her glory.

WISDOM BUILDS A HOUSE

In Proverbs, wisdom is a woman, and wisdom always builds. The question is what kind of house are you building? “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands” (Prov. 14:1). Quite literally, a woman is someone who has a “home” inside of her. The first home everyone ever lived in was the home of their mother’s womb. A woman simply is a homemaker. But this is also sign to her and the world about what she is for. A woman’s calling is to make people by making home for them (Tit. 2:5). And here, we need to expand what we mean by motherhood. This certainly includes conception and childbearing, but the calling of motherhood and “making people” hardly stops at birth. And so it is that motherhood and homemaking are the calling of all women. Deborah was a mother of Israel (Judg. 5:7), the mother of Rufus was a mother to Paul (Rom. 16:13), and the Christian Church is the mother of us all (Gal. 4:26). People are being made all day long through rest, food, care, friendship, clothing, food, games, discipline, reading, and food. And we really must not underestimate the potency of all of this. People are made in the image of God, and people will live forever.

C.S. Lewis: “It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest most uninteresting person you can talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree helping each other to one or the other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all of our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations – these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit – immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” (The Weight of Glory, 18-19)

TEMPTATIONS OF WOMEN

In 1 Peter 3, the apostle addresses the relative weakness of women and three common temptations that arise with that: words, beauty, and fear. Women are often tempted to use their words to manipulate, get attention, correct, nag, but they need to remember that their words are not their power. Their words can be life or death (Prov. 18:21, 27:15). Women are also tempted to use their beauty to manipulate, get attention, to influence, but you need to remember that your physical beauty is not your power either. And while your fleshly fear and anxiety can sometimes get people to do things, it isn’t your power either. Your true feminine power is your beautiful submission to God, your meek and quiet spirit, obedience to your own husband, and not being afraid of anything that is terrifying (1 Pet. 3:4-6, Prov. 31:30). This is the fear of the Lord in the heart of a woman who knows she belongs to her Savior. He died for all her sins, and therefore she isn’t afraid of anything or anyone and it drives a godly woman’s conduct (1 Pet. 3:2).

CONCLUSION

You can tell what our world respects by where it assumes submission and obedience, and you can tell what our world does not respect by where it immediately runs to all the exceptions. Generally, our world assumes submission and obedience to civil magistrates, the state, and big business, but it constantly warns about church and family governments being oppressive. And these assumptions are driven by where we believe the most important things are happening. But the magistrate is not the glory of man, woman is the glory of man, as she cultivates the beauty of motherhood and homemaking. This glory shines everywhere and impacts everything, but it flows from a gentle and quiet spirit. It flows from a heart that rests secure in Christ.

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Psalm 140: The Tongue of Vipers

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INTRODUCTION 

The children’s rhyme about sticks and stones is actually one that is wildly off the mark. Scripture teaches us that the tongue is one of our most potent organs. When we walk with the Lord, our wholesome speech is a tree of life (Prov. 15:4). If we are given over to evil, the tongue has the capacity to burn down entire forests (Jas. 3:5-6). This psalm gives us a close look at the destructive power of speech.

THE TEXT

“Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man: Preserve me from the violent man; Which imagine mischiefs in their heart; Continually are they gathered together for war. They have sharpened their tongues like a serpent; Adders’ poison is under their lips. Selah. Keep me, O Lord, from the hands of the wicked; Preserve me from the violent man; Who have purposed to overthrow my goings . . .” (Psalm 140:1-13).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The occasion for this psalm is likely from the time when David was on the run from Saul, and his enemies at court refused to miss any opportunity to malign him. David cries out for deliverance from the evil and violent man (v. 1). Their mischievous plots begin in the heart (v. 2), move to their poisonous speech (v. 3), and end with the violence of their hands (v. 4). These evil ones are doing what they do on purpose. It is thought out, premeditated. They lay the traps and snares beforehand (v. 5).

David turns to his God as his only possible deliverance (v. 6). The Lord who is the strength of his salvation is the same one who placed a shield over his head on the day of battle (v. 7). His enemies are conceited and so he prays that they would not succeed, lest they become even more full of themselves (v. 8). David prays for a divinely appointed recoil (v. 9). From the context, we see that the retribution he wishes for them is that the fall into their own traps (v. 10). Let the malicious hunter let loose the dogs of his cruelty, and may they turn back around and starting hunting him (v. 11). God undertakes for the afflicted and poor (v. 12). The righteous will return thanks to God’s name, and the upright will dwell in His presence (v. 13).

Notice that this psalm begins with the psalmist on the run, looking out for any possible snares and traps. A mere thirteen verses later, he is dwelling in the presence of God.

VERBAL PERSECUTION

We live in a world where actions follow words, and words have the power to result in action. An intelligent Christian should be able to see and predict the trajectory of malice. The road along which this evil runs can be described as a plotting heart (v. 2), a venomous tongue (v. 3), and violent hands (v. 4).

It has become fashionable for the liars of our generation to mock the idea that Christians are being “othered.” But we most certainly are. And however easy it is for someone to say, “Oh, poor widdle Cwistians! Did somebody differ wiff you on Twitter?” That’s not persecution. But that is not what Jesus taught us. “Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake” (Matt. 5:11). Being reviled most certainly is persecution, and as we see in this psalm, it is the preparation for more direct action to follow.

HOW POISON WORKS

The viper bites, and poison is introduced into the body. Now that body has a circulatory system which is system which keeps the body alive. That body cannot exist without it. Your red blood cells deliver oxygen to every point in your body, and so this amazing system is your essential friend. But the circulatory system is also involved in distributing any poison that is introduced into the body to every part of your body.

Now in any social group—church, school, town, state, or nation—that circulatory system is made up of words. And lies, venomous lies, are the poison.

PROTECTING THE COMMONWEALTH

If you doubt the truth proclaimed in this psalm—about the potency of lies—just look around. Over the last several years, you have witnessed a great nation reduced to a shambolic mess, and all through the power of poisonous lips. We have faced no great invasion. We have not been struck by a giant asteroid. We have not been visited with the frogs of Egypt. We have not seen the Black Death sweep through our cities. The seven angels of Revelation have not emptied their bowls on us.

What we have seen is lies, lies everywhere. The lie of Darwinism. The lie of multiculturalism. The lie of woke. The lie of climate change. The lie of governmental authority. The lie of evangelical steadfastness. The lie of secularism. The lie of a defeated foe is destructive nonetheless, provided that the foolish believe it.

MOUTHS FULL OF GOSPEL

We have many examples of lies and liars being answered in Scripture. That is a lawful response, and in many cases it is a necessary response. Think about Paul, answering questions to the Galatians about how many times he had visited Jerusalem (Gal. 1:17). Think about Jesus, refuting charges that He was casting out demons by the prince of demons (Matt. 12:27). Think about Job, answering charges that he must have brought all his calamities down on himself (Job 42:7). So it is lawful.

But at the same time, our central response must be to point to the cross where the prince of lies was thrown down and humiliated. They fell into the trap that they themselves had prepared. They managed, with their lying tongues, to have the Lord nailed to the cross. And when they had done so, they found all their lies were completely overthrown, forever and all. If the princes of this world had known what they were about, they wouldn’t have done it (1 Cor. 2:8). We should talk about all this more, with our mouths full of gospel.

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Psalm 139: The God of All Immensity

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INTRODUCTION

This psalm might be considered a hymn to the omniscience of God (vv. 1-6) and omnipresence of God (vv. 7-12), as well as a hymn to His creative artistry (vv. 13-18), along with a thoughtful meditation on the ethical ramifications of God’s holy nature (vv. 19-24).

THE TEXT

“O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, Thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain unto it . . . And am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee? I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart: Try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:1-24).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Yahweh knows the psalmist, having searched him out (v. 1). God knows when he sits and when he rises (v. 2), and reads his thoughts at a distance (v. 2). God understands his paths, his lying down, and all his ways (v. 3). Before he speaks, God knows all about it (v. 4). Jehovah goes before him, and comes behind him (v. 5), and rests His hand on him. Such doctrine overwhelms David (v. 6); it is too high.

Where can God be avoided? Nowhere (v. 7). If David ascends to Heaven, God is there (v. 8). If he makes his bed in the lowest places, God is there also (v. 8). If he takes the rays of the sunrise and flies off with them to the most distant seas, Yahweh is there to lead and hold (vv. 9-10). If David tried to hide in the dark, he realizes that darkness and light are all the same to Jehovah (vv. 11-12).

But Yahweh is not just the God of all the omni-immensities—He is a meticulous craftsman as well. God owned his reins (kidneys), which the Hebrews considered the seat of desire and longing—even as those reins were being shaped (v. 13). The human body is an astounded work—stupefying, in fact. It summons nothing but praise, as our soul knows right well (v. 14). We are woven in the womb. God knew everything about what He was doing, as He was doing it in the darkness of the womb (v. 15). God saw what He was going to do in the sketch book of His own sovereign determinations (v. 16)—all of it was planned. David exults in the infinite sum of God’s thoughts, and counts them both infinite and precious (vv. 17-18).

But this great Jehovah is also holy. And as the Holy One, He is the eye of the world. God will certainly slay the wicked (v. 19), and so David banishes them. They speak in godless ways, taking God’s name in vain (v. 20), and so David hates those who hate Yahweh. He is grieved with them (v. 21). He hates them perfectly, and counts them as his own enemies (v. 22). He follows this with an astonishing invitation—search me, O God (v. 23).  Probe and test me, to see if there is any wickedness to be found in me. And lead me in the everlasting way (v. 24).

IMMEDIATE AND EXHAUSTIVE KNOWLEDGE

God knows all things immediately, without any middleman. Although it says here that God “searches out,” it also says He knows from “afar off.” He knows what David is going to say before David does. His knowledge is unmediated. Not only is His knowledge not mediated to Him, His knowledge is not divided. He is never distracted. When you cry out to Him, you have His undivided attention. He knows your going out and your coming in, and that means He knows when you have a parking spot and when you don’t.

This kind of knowledge causes us to blow fuses (v. 6). We cannot attain to it. We cannot comprehend it.

ALL THE WAY PRESENT

The omnipresence of Jehovah is not like pie dough—where the farther you spread it, the thinner it gets. God is everywhere, and everywhere He is, He is entirely there.

But this is Christian orthodoxy, not pantheism. God is everywhere, but it cannot be said that He is everything. He created the material universe, which means that it is distinct from Him. God spoke, and there were two realities: God and not God. But all contingent created reality is contained (somehow) within Him. He encompasses us all, without being identified with the created order. “For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring” (Acts 17:28). He goes ahead of us, and He comes behind.

THE PROFOUND MINIATURIST

 The psalmist confesses that he “is wonderfully made.” The Vulgate rendering of this is exquisite—acu pictus sum, “I am painted as with a needle.” Not only so, but God does this work in the darkness of the womb. But no matter, because darkness and light are all the same to Him (v. 12). The formation of each human being, which He has done billions of times, is an astonishing marvel. We take it all for granted, because we are besotted with our sin.

HOLY, HOLY, HOLY

The fear of the Lord is to hate evil (Prov. 8:13; Amos 5:15). We see in Scripture how David was magnanimous with his personal enemy Saul (1 Sam. 24:5). What we are dealing with here is David’s indignation over these evildoers unwillingness to repent of their bloody and blasphemous wickedness (vv. 19-20).

And so think of it this way. The sovereign and eternal God, the one who has witnessed every grubby thought you ever had, and has witnessed them parade right in front of Him, hands over their eyes, in the firm conviction that if they can’t see, then He must not be able to see, is the same God who knit the Lord Jesus together in the womb of Mary the Virgin. And He did this so that He would have a body that could be nailed to a cross on behalf of all those impudent scamps.

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Psalm 118 (King’s Cross Church)

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OVERVIEW

Part 1 (v. 1-4 ) Enduring Mercy – First, the author of the Psalm begins with an exhortation to contemplate God’s goodness and his enduring mercy.

Part 2 (v. 5-18) A Godly Confidence in Turmoil – Here the Psalmist remembers a time when he was surrounded on all sides by entire nations that wanted him dead. But, in the name of the Lord, he had the victory and conquered them. And God has become his salvation.

Part 3 (19-24) A Triumphant Entry – Now he enters through the Gate of the Lord, triumphant, praising God for having saved him from his enemies. Again, he declares that God has become his salvation. But the onlookers are startled by this triumphant entry.

Part 4 (25-29) Hosanna – And now the author calls to God, “O please send salvation O Lord.” It’s strange because he has just finished describing several cases where God has sent salvation. It’s as if the author is begging for another salvation, a salvation still to come.

KING DAVID

Traditionally, this Psalm has been assigned to King David. The events described in the Psalm seem to resonate with the events in David’s life – a man surrounded by enemies on all sides, who puts his trust in the Lord and, as a result, has his right hand strengthened so that he conquers all his enemies.

FEAST OF BOOTHS

But there was another aspect to this Psalm for the Jewish reader. Look at Leviticus 23 where you will see a list of the Old Testament festivals. The last feast listed is the Feast of Booths, which celebrated God’s bringing the Israelites out of Egypt in the Exodus and into the Promised Land of Israel. This feast became closely associated with Psalm 118 and the cry “Hosanna.”

FAILURE

In a very important way, however, both the Exodus and the anointing of David failed to bring about the ultimate salvation of Israel. This Psalm describes something much bigger than what happened with Moses or with David.

NEW TESTAMENT

Psalm 118 is quoted at least a dozen times in the New Testament, and is used in all four of the Gospels to describe Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem. See – Mt. 21:9,42, 23:39; Mk. 11:9; 12:10-11; Lk. 13:35, 19:38, 20:17; Jn. 12:13. This Psalm found its real fulfillment in Jesus, who has become the salvation of the Lord. (See also – Acts 4:11, Heb. 12:5-6, 13:6, 1 Pet. 2:7).

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