Love & Respect (Biblical Marriage Basics #9)

INTRODUCTION

Our confusions surrounding marriage are legion, and therefore it is no surprise that our confusions bleed into how we raise our sons and daughters or how we think about pursuing marriage or try to function within marriage. But all of these things are related and relate back to Christ and His union with His Bride, the Church. Our theology comes out our fingertips.

THE TEXT

“For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31-32).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The previous verse echoed Adam’s poem regarding the glory of the first woman, his wife, affirming that we are one with Christ, “of his flesh and of his bones” (5:30). And Genesis says that it is for that reason, that a man leaves his father and mother (Gen. 2:24). Because man was made first and the woman was taken from the man to become his glory, a man leaves his father and mother (Eph. 5:31). This leaving is for the purpose of forming a new union, a new family, to become one flesh with his wife (Eph. 5:31). Paul says that “this” one-flesh union is a great mystery, but the real mystery is how this is true of Jesus and His church (Eph. 5:32).

WE ARE NOT TRIBALISTS

We are not tribalists; we are Christians. And this means that when a marriage occurs a new family comes into existence. While the fifth commandment continues to be in force when a new family is formed, the honor due takes on a new tenor. Likewise, when a man leaves his parents’ household, he is forming a new household and he no longer owes the same kind of obedience to his parents, beyond basic biblical morals or inter-familial decisions. This means that a Christian marriage honors parents while making its own decisions before God and forming new habits and customs, and this requires some measure of space. It’s a great blessing to live near our families, and in general can be something we lean toward, but co-dependent children, overbearing parents, and tribal compounds can create real familial snarls.

THE BASIC SHAPE

The basic shape of Christian courtship and marriage is that a man leaves; a woman is given. Of course sometimes a woman grows up and also leaves in a sense, but when a man leaves, he leaves to establish a direction, a mission before God. In a Christian family, a grown daughter still looks to her family for support and protection, even if she does eventually form her own household. But a woman is ordinarily looking for man on a mission to join. It is good and right for a woman to use her gifts on her own, but she is made by God to make a home and so her calling/vocation will always be subordinate to that primary instinct of nurture and hospitality.

This means that asking a woman out on a date is an interruption by design. A woman is called to cleave, to join her husband’s mission. While this does not obliterate a woman’s interests or gifts, those interests and gifts really are submitted to the mission of her husband. It is not true that a man and a woman join in marriage and then work out a joint-partnership in terms of the direction and mission of the family. This will only result in great confusion, heartache, and resentment. In an offer of marriage, a woman is being asked to join a man’s mission.

THAT PRIMAL WOUND

A woman comes into maturity biologically, but a man comes into maturity more experientially, through the “blood” of crisis and survival. This is why boys in particular must be taught to be tough from their earliest years; they must be required to fight through their pain, their hunger, their fatigue, and their sins. As boys grow up, they must be encouraged to take risks, face consequences, and not be coddled or shielded, particularly by momma bears. This is also why boys need to see their fathers “leaving” to go out into the world to work and returning faithfully with provision. They are learning to embrace that adventure.

While Adam was literally wounded by God to come into his maturity as a husband, ever since, a man is “wounded” by leaving his father and mother. A young man must embrace the sacrifice of taking responsibility for himself, for his future, acting and thinking for himself before God and facing the real life consequences of those choices. Under God’s blessing, that leaving is ordinarily the path to marriage and family and dominion, but the cursed version of leaving is abandonment. We live in a culture that is facing the increasing results of young men abandoned, particularly by their fathers. And this is why the message of the gospel is for our culture: Christ, the perfect Son, came and endured that particular curse, that God-forsaken Hell, in order to restore all the lost and estranged boys back to their Good Heavenly Father.

A GREAT MYSTERY

Paul acknowledges that this whole thing is a great mystery, and the way of a man with a maid really is too wonderful (Prov. 30:19). But Paul is quick to insist that the real mystery, the real wonder is how this union has its greatest expression in Christ and the Church. Christ left His Father on a mission to save the world, and He endured the shame and misery of the Cross, so that from His side, a new Eve, the Christian Church might be formed. But that is not all: Christ bled and died so that He and the Christian Church might be one. The really glorious mystery is that Christ is more one with His bride than any human marriage in the history of the world. We who are sinners are united to the sinless One. “For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his” (Rom. 6:5, Gal. 3:23ff).

CONCLUSION

This great mystery is not the obliteration of male and female. In Christ, the image of God is being restored and glorified, while the enmity is being crushed and destroyed. In Christ, man is restored to the glory of God, and woman is restored to the glory of man (1 Cor. 11). In Christ, men who leave their fathers and mothers are never abandoned, and they are empowered take back up the mission of God, and under His blessing, they are crowned with the glory of a wife. In Christ, husbands are strengthened to love, wives are strengthened to respect, and in so doing, the wedding feast of the Lamb comes a little closer: the New Jerusalem, coming down from God out of Heaven as a bride adorned for her husband (Rev. 19:7-9, 21:2).

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INTRODUCTION

Man is the glory of God, and woman is the glory of man (1 Cor. 11:7). And far from a demotion, that means that woman is the glory of the glory. But the Bible teaches that this glory is the result of sacrificial love. The love of Christ is at the center, driving this glory in the church until it fills the world, but husbands, in particular, are called to imitate that sacrificial love cultivating that glory in nourishing and cherishing their wives just as Christ does the church.

THE TEXT

“For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones” (Eph. 5:29-30).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Despite all the modern calls for self-care and self-esteem and self-love, the Bible teaches that people naturally love themselves just fine: no one ever really hated his own flesh (Eph. 5:29). Everyone does what they think is best for the nourishing and cherishing of themselves, even if that desire is often twisted (Eph. 5:29). That human instinct is a reflection of the Lord’s care for His church (Eph. 5:29), and we in the church are part of his body, his flesh and his bones, just like the first woman and the first man (Eph. 5:30, Gen. 2:23).

OF HIS FLESH & BONES

When Adam saw his bride he said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man” (Gen. 2:23). This appears to be the first poem in human history, and no surprise: it is a love song at the first human wedding. But what Adam says can be somewhat missed if you don’t understand Hebrew grammar. In Hebrew, the comparative is formed by saying that something is “big” or “strong” or “beautiful” from something else: it is more big/strong/beautiful than that other one. However, the superlative is formed by saying that something is the big/strong/beautiful of [all] the bigs/strongs/beautifuls (e.g. “Holy of Holies” or “Song of Songs”). When Adam says that the woman is “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” he is saying that the Woman is like him, only the best form, the best version: she is the glory of man or man glorified (1 Cor. 11:7).

In fact, in the very act of naming his wife “Woman” (Eeshah) which means something like “glory-fire,” he also gives himself a new name “glory-man” (Eesh). Up to this point in the narrative, the word for “man” has been “adam,” named after the ground (“adamah”) (Gen. 2:7). Adam is saying that in the creation of the woman and their union, the glory of the woman is so potent, it has made him shine. This is yet one more way in which a man who loves his wife, loves himself.

And here, the Bible says that the church is in that position with the Lord. We are “of his flesh and of his bones” in an analogous way, implying that Christ thinks of the church as His glory, that we make Him shine. And that is actually what was said earlier in Ephesians: “Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen” (Eph. 3:21).

NOURISH & CHERISH

Husbands are commanded to love their wives in this way: nourishing and cherishing them, as the Lord does the church, and as a man naturally cares for himself (Eph. 5:29), considering her “of our flesh and of our bones,” which therefore not only means loving her “as ourselves” but if we’re connecting all these dots, loving her “as better than ourselves.”

The word “nourish” literally means to “feed,” and “cherish” means to “keep warm.” In the following chapter, fathers are commanded to “bring up” or “nourish” in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4, cf. Gen. 47:17). And Paul uses the same word for “cherish” to describe how the apostles cared for the saints in Thessalonica like a nurse (1 Thess. 2:7). In those surrounding verses, Paul describes that cherishing as gentleness, affection, and working night and day not to be a burden and to see those saints walking worthy of God (1 Thess. 2:7-12).

At the center of this love is sacrifice: Adam was put in a deep sleep and endured the first surgery, the first bloody cut and broken bones in the history of the world (and in an unfallen world). And our Lord Jesus Christ is the new Adam who was nailed to a tree for His bride, and a spear pierced His side. As the first Eve was gloriously constructed from Adam’s bloody side and the New Church Eve is being formed from Jesus’ bloody side, so too every husband is called to that kind of sacrificial love for his bride, nourishing and cherishing her, so that she might be his glory. There is no glory apart from sacrifice. There is no crown apart from the battle.

CONCLUSION

In this way, the Bible uniformly insists that your theology comes out your fingertips. Your theology fills the air of your home, the tenor of your dining room, the aroma of your bedroom. The question is not whether but which. Is it the theology of Christ crucified for sinners or is it some bossy, manipulative, works-oriented, try-harder, or apathetic, despairing heresy?

Part of the message of Genesis 1 reiterated here is that men were made for this. God made men first, so that they might be cut first, so that they might bleed first, so that they might die first. The gospel in action is “my life for yours.” In this is love, and God made men strong so that they might go first. Lay down your pride and confess your sins. Lay down your anger and forgive gladly. Lay down your laziness, your apathy, your envy and get up and get back to work. Your King is already ahead of you.

What should Adam have done in the garden when his wife sinned? The Bible says that Adam was not deceived like Eve was, so many speculate that Adam despaired, thinking it was too late and decided to die with his wife. But we know what Adam should have done because it is what Jesus actually did. Adam should have led his wife to the Lord, taken full responsibility for the sin, and offered to die in her place. Jesus laid His life down for us, so that we might lay our lives down for one another. And men were made to lead the way.

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INTRODUCTION

The central command given to husbands for their duty to their wives is “love.” We live in a world that has willfully rejected God’s love, and substituted all manner of madness in its place, but it is the duty of husbands in particular to learn what God’s love means and embody it toward their wives, without any excuses or complaints. Here, we are told specifically that the action of love is sacrifice and the effect is holiness and cleansing.

THE TEXT

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word” (Eph. 5:25-26).

WE LOVE BECAUSE GOD LOVED FIRST

The Bible teaches that we do not love God and one another naturally; rather, we are naturally inclined to selfishness and hatred, apart from knowing the love of God in Christ (Rom. 3, 1 Jn. 3:16). So once again we must begin with the general principle, and press it to the particular. Husbands cannot love their wives like Christ loved the church, if they do not know the love of God in Christ for the church. And this love begins with the love of the Father: “Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God… Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure… Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God” (1 Jn. 3:1-3, 9).

Notice what the love of God does: it makes men sons of God (1 Jn. 3:1), that adoption puts a great hope in us that we are becoming like Him (1 Jn. 3:2), and that hope is what purifies us (1 Jn. 3:3). This adoption is so thorough that it can be described as being born of God and an imperishable seed is implanted that is so utterly opposed to sin, such that it can be truly said that we cannot sin (1 Jn. 3:9). This doesn’t mean no sin ever occurs, but it means that we are constantly and consistently confessing sin as quickly as it occurs and staying in fellowship with God and everyone around us (1 Jn. 1:7-9). A man who wants to love his wife like Christ must begin here, and therefore, there is no room for despair.

SACRIFICIAL LOVE

How did Christ give himself for us? He humbled himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men, even though He was fully equal with God (Phil. 2:6-7). Not only that, but He humbled Himself even further, becoming obedient even to the point of death, and that death was the most humiliating, most excruciating, most cursed death of the cross (Phil. 2:8). And He did all of this for us while we were still ungodly, while we were still sinners, while we were still enemies of God (Rom. 5:6-10).

Notice that this love was obedient love. Christ loved us by doing what was necessary to take away our sins. He did not do what we thought He ought to do, and He did not do what He felt like doing. He did what had to be done. And secondly, notice that this love is efficacious love. He did not love us because we are lovely; He loved us in order to make us lovely. Likewise, when the love of a husband is obedient, it is efficacious. The obedient love of a husband makes his wife lovely.

CLEANSING LOVE

The central problem in this world is sin. And this is where the gospel collides with all other worldviews and religions. The problem is not personality. The problem is not background. The problem is not childhood. The problem is not health, bad habits, or chemical or hormonal imbalances. Although any number of those things can contribute to challenges, the Bible teaches that the fundamental problem is sin, and Jesus died to take away our sins. A husband cannot duplicate that sacrifice, but a husband must imitate it. A husband’s love applies it.

This is why the central goal of a husband’s love is to be sanctifying and cleansing (Eph. 5:26). Do you want a happy marriage? Do you want a joyful home? Do you want a home that is flourishing, productive, and fruitful in every way? Then you must love your wife obediently and efficaciously, washing her with the water of the word. The word here for “word” is interesting since it is a more general and generic word for “thing, matter, or word.” The Word of God is certainly in view (cf. 1 Tim. 4:5), but it also includes all your words, all your dealings, oriented by God’s Word toward cleansing your wife from sin and making her holy like Jesus.

CONCLUSION

In Colossians it says, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them” (Col. 3:19). Some translations say, “do not be harsh with them,” but it really amounts to the same thing. A bitter man will be harsh, and a harsh man is bitter. Remember, it was for the joy set before Him that Jesus endured the cross, despising the shame (Heb. 12:2). What was that joy? The church sanctified and cleansed. Is that hope in you – that you will be like Him? So what about her?

Wash your wife with the Word and with many good words. Tell your wife that you love her, that she is beautiful, sweet, gracious, attractive, and compliment her many times a day. God made us and is remaking us through His Word, and you get to imitate that with your words. God’s word is our food, and your good words are food for your wife, just like food and sex are food for you. This includes taking your wife to church, reading the Bible to her, and talking to her about it and praying with and for her regularly.

Husbands should also understand that one of the most important ways you love your wife is by loving her children well. When you spend time with them, pay attention to them, laugh with them, read to them, and pursue them, your wife feels well loved. Her children are her glory, and when you love and honor that glory, you love and honor her.

And all of this love must be driven by the love of the Father, the love that sent His only Son for you, so that you would be conformed to His image.

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