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And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.” (Josh. 24:15)

There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. (Pro 14:12)

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them” (Deu 30:19-20).

Introduction

We make choices every day. Some of these choices are dependent on an abundance of information, thought, and prayer. Some not so much. All choices, however, involve some kind of decision. Either we want to make a change, or we want things to remain the same. So our discussion about choices is not about whether we make choices, but how we make choices.

Self, Flesh, World, Devil

Because we are all born in sin, our natural tendency is to choose things that reflect that sinfulness. Therefore, we choose things that we think will satisfy our longings or desires. For example, James 4:1-3 says, “You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions” (Jam 4:2-3). We make our choices based on what we think it will get us. We want to be first, biggest, best and so we choose those things that we think will inflate our ego, scratch our itches, and fill us with happiness. We sow to the flesh. Our self is at the center. We are god in our little realm.

There are two problems with this: first, everyone is doing the same thing. And if everyone is god, no one gets to be god. We are constantly crashing into one another as we each try to be first, happiest, and most fulfilled. This lifestyle cannot work because everyone is grabbing at being first, happiest, and most fulfilled. It is worldly, fleshly, of the devil. Second, God did not make the world to work this way. No one gets to pretend he is God when he isn’t. God made the world in such a way that when we make ungodly choices God slaps us down via other demigods, our own devices, the natural world, or God himself enters into our world and lays us low.

One of the reasons we often choose the way of the flesh is because it is the easy way. It is the way of least resistance. When we make these kinds of decisions it reveals who we think we are and what we think we deserve. The way of the flesh promises ease and comfort, entitlement, happiness, and pleasure. The Bible even says sin is pleasurable for a season (Heb. 11:25). For a short time, sin is a wonderful thing. But then the Bible points out that the wages of sin is death (Rom. 6:23) and the way that seems right to a man ends in death (Pro. 14:12).

Before we go too much further, we need to be clear that we are not talking about so called moral choices only. We are talking about all choices and all choosing. We either choose our way or God’s way in every sphere of life. Someone is always on the throne. If we don’t know God, we make all of our choices and decisions with our good and glory in mind. Everything is a moral choice. Everything is an act of worship. Everything is meant to make us famous or to make God famous. There is nothing neutral.

The Source of Our Choices—Heart

Where do our desires and choices come from? Jesus said,

For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you? (Lk 6:43-46).

It is not just what a person says that shows his heart, it also includes what he does. Good trees bear good fruit and bad trees bear bad fruit. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, but then Jesus goes on, immediately, to add, “Why do you call me Lord and not do what I say?” There is a connection between what our mouths say and what our hands do. Our decisions show who is at the center of our lives. They reveal our hearts, our god, our allegiance.

Later, Jesus added, “for out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, slanders… (Mt. 15:19-20). James tells us that our desires spring from our inner being, our heart. This is where wars and anger come from (Jas. 4:2). The heart is an evil thing in need of cutting out or off. The Bible tells us, “the LORD your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your offspring, so that you will love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live” (Deu 30:6). And the Bible tells us to circumcise our own hearts (Deut 10:16; Jer. 4:4).

A New Way

How do we go about taking advantage of this information? We’ve realized that our choices are getting us into nothing but trouble, but I do it so frequently, and so easily, and for so long. Is there any hope at all? Well yes. The person who asks this question is finally in a position to be helped. He no longer has any pride about the sin he is involved in. Sure, it has become a habit, but a habit is just a decision you make quicker, easier, or more automatically. And with God’s help habits can be broken and transformed.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Mat 11:28-30)

Let’s start here. Are you weary of your life? Do you want to change? Do you want to please God (2 Cor. 5:9; 1Thess 4:1)? Are you burdened down by the choices you have made and continue to make? If the answer is yes, you are a prime candidate for Jesus’ help. He will give you rest from your labors. He will take your burdens and put them in their proper perspective, some he will remove completely, some he will redistribute and with some he will simply make the situation more palatable. He will give you Grace.

What is needed is a transaction. You need to give him your burdens and take his on you. His burden is light, though it may seem heavy from a distance, but compared to yours it is nothing. So, go to a quiet place and ask him to forgive you for making your own way and for trying to run your own life. Ask him if he will take you into his life and be God and King of your world. Tell him that no matter what comes along, because you now follow him (Lk. 9:23), you know that it will be alright and you will not abandon him again. Thank him for being God, full of grace, tender mercies, and pure and holy love. Finally, get off your knees, pick up your Bible and read; asking him to teach you about your new relationship. And never put it down.

Now, when you make choices stop and ask yourself what God would have you do in this situation. There will come a time when you can make decisions pretty naturally and automatically, but for now, you’ll need to stop and ask if it is God’s will that you do this or that (more on God’s will later).

Habits

Habits, as I have said in this conference, are things we do over and over again, even automatically. They may be sinful, or they may be glorious. In order to break a habit it is important to know whether or not it is sin. One of the ways to find out is to trace out the journey of the habit. How did it start? Where does it end? Does it lead you to the throne of God in worship and praise? Or does it lead you to despair and hunger for more?

If the habit is sinful, you need to confess it as sin—every time you do it, even if you think you will do it again in ten minutes, ten hours, or ten days. And, if the habit is sinful, you may need to make changes in behaviors that are not necessarily sinful but do lead you down the path resulting in sin.  If you need help in changing those behaviors, get help. Ask your pastor, your family, your friends (all your friends) to hold you accountable—not your wife.

You want to stop doing sinful things and start doing holy things. Make sure you have something to change to. Set goals. Give yourself consequences for not changing.

If you know that the habit is sinful because you have sought wise counsel and they say it is, and you don’t see it, find a good book on the subject. Compare it to the Scriptures and ask God to reveal his mind on the topic to you. Then, ask God to change your desires to imitate his, and obey what you find out. Make it your aim to please him in all that do you (2 Cor. 5:9). Make it your aim to imitate him in all that you do (Eph. 5:1).

If your habit is sin, remember that the end of those who live in sin is death. Hate sin. Fight it with every fiber of your being. Know that you are in a war, – a terrible battle is being waged for your soul, and you are involved in it by the choices you make. Get serious. Stop playing games.

Be careful that you aren’t trying to flirt with danger or evil. Sin is pleasurable for a season and getting close to it can be exhilarating, but it is easy to go from walking with God to sin and thinking that all you’re doing is flirting with temptation. In the same way that flirting with a woman is sexual, so is flirting with sin sinful. Don’t walk the line.

Don’t go to places where you know temptation is strong for you (Gal. 6:1). Do go to places where godliness is easy for you (1 Cor. 7:5). If you do get into a situation where temptation is present and strong, run away (2 Tim. 2:22).

Know that habits are formed over time. Breaking habits and forming new ones will also happen over time. Take your time, walk with God, ask him to transform you as you walk with him, into the image of his son. Remember that works of the law did not save you, neither will works of the law help you with changing your habits. Just “as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him” (Col. 2:6). Walking with God and becoming like Christ will change your habits.

Addiction

Ed Welch says, in his book Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave, “Addiction is bondage to the rule of a substance, activity, or state of mind, which then becomes the center of life, defending itself from the truth so that even bad consequences don’t bring repentance, and leading to further estrangement from God” (p. 35). Addictions are really habits, usually that have taken on lives of their own. Normally, we might say that someone has a habit and we don’t mean that it defines their life, it is a god, but not a terrible god—yet. Addictions have taken on a greater focus in the life of the person. They are in bondage to the habit. It now defines their life. It is their god, the center. When we ask someone to finish this sentence, “If I only had ____ I would be happy.” The thing they fill in the blank with is their god. The addict doesn’t even hesitate. I will not be happy unless I get _____, and get it right now.” The addict thinks about it all the time, his life is planned around indulging in the addiction, all his friends are involved with him in it, and he may be suffering tremendously because of his god, but he still loves it.

At the end of the day, people make choices based on what is in their heart. Addicts make choices to serve their gods, thus indicating that addictions are “ultimately a disorder of worship” (p. 251). “Therapies can offer sobriety, but only the Gospel can liberate the soul” (p. 55).

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You have become guilty by the blood that you have shed, and defiled by the idols that you have made, and you have brought your days near, the appointed time of your years has come. Therefore I have made you a reproach to the nations, and a mockery to all the countries. (Eze 22:4)

And he touched my mouth and said: “Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.” (Isa 6:7)

Introduction

We live in a world racked with guilt. It is so prevalent that most people feel guilty all the time. The non-Christian world does not have the ability to handle guilt, and they have no way of coping with the feelings that accompany guilt. They simply try to help people either live with the feelings or ignore them. Because they don’t understand guilt or who guilt is against, they can only deal with symptoms, effects, and feelings of guilt. This is because they don’t understand that they are guilty before God already.

Non-Christian Way of Addressing and Dealing with Guilt

I’ve attached an example of how non-Christians deal with sin. At the end of the day, their view is that there are a variety of reasons that guilt exists. It could be due to genes, chemicals in the brain, mental illness, victimization, wrong thinking, or related to bad self-image. They observe feelings and symptoms of guilt, but because they don’t have a real understanding of God and justice, they are unable to deal with guilt in a way that actually does anything about it. They try to make past wrongs right by doing good things in the future—a cosmic yin-yang, or karmic sort of thing. All the while they attempt to ignore the feelings that accompany guilt, pretending that nothing wrong really happened. Or they manipulate and twist things around so that they become victims rather than wrong doers.

Biblical View of Guilt

When we talk about guilt, it is important to remember what we’ve already said about covenantal relationships. The Bible teaches that when Adam produced offspring, those offspring were members of his covenant family. Therefore, all that he did, we did, because we were and are in him. We were/are in him in two different ways: physically, and covenantally. So, before we did anything ourselves, we were sinners because we were in Adam when he sinned (Heb 7:9-10). The Bible says all men have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). Therefore, even before we did anything ourselves, we were guilty of sin, dead in our sins, and in need of salvation (1 Cor. 15:22).

In addition, the fact that we were in Adam when he sinned, covenantally, we were also born as sinners. He sinned and we sinned. But he became a sinner because of his sin, and we became sinners because of his sin. This means that the only reason we don’t sin when we are first born is because we lack opportunity and physical ability. As soon as we are able and have the opportunity, we all sin—by nature. Our nature is to sin from the beginning. As Ephesians 2:1 says, “And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience.” So, we not only sinned because we were in Adam, but also because we sinned on our own as soon as we were able.

All this is to say that we feel guilty because we are guilty. We sinned against a holy God and deserve judgment and condemnation. Exodus 34:6, 7 says, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.” So, we feel guilty because we are guilty. Getting rid of feelings of guilt is not possible without removing actual guilt. The world does not have a solution to this problem, but the Bible does.

God’s Solution to the Problem of Guilt

We need to remember that God wants a pure and holy relationship with us far more than we want one with him. This is why, even before we knew anything about it, God sent Jesus to die on our behalf. God loves the world and so he sent his only son to die for us. 1 Timothy 1:15 says, “The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners….” Jesus saved sinners by becoming sin (2 Cor. 5:21), dying on our behalf (Rom 5:6), in our place (Rom. 5:8; 1 Cor. 15:3), as a sacrifice for sin (Heb 2:26), taking away the wrath of God from us and cleansing us from all sin and guilt resulting from our sin (1 Jn. 2:2).

The Result

What happens when we cry out to God acknowledging our sin? Like Isaiah, we cry to God acknowledging that we are sinners and deserve only death for our sinning (Isa. 6:1-5). God sees us only through the death and resurrection of Christ (we are the aroma of Christ to God—2 Cor. 2:15). This means that when we die with Christ and acknowledge our helplessness, God raises us up with Christ and seats us in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus. Whereas we used to be in Adam, we are now in Christ. Remember that covenant thing? Well here it is again. We were in Adam, but God has transferred us from the kingdom of Adam —man— to the kingdom of his beloved Son — whole man (Col. 1:13). And in Christ he no longer holds our sins against us, we are no longer guilty (2 Cor. 5:19).

Forgiveness

Another aspect of this that should be discussed is the concept of forgiveness. We’ve already noted that God no longer holds our sin against us. Jesus took the penalty/punishment that was due us and suffered and died in our place. With that in mind, God only sees us through the lens of Jesus. We are in Christ and thus God sees only Christ when he looks at us. This is why he is able to say, And the Holy Spirit also bears witness to us; for after saying, “This is the covenant that I will make with them after those days, declares the Lord: I will put my laws on their hearts, and write them on their minds,” then he adds, “I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more.” Where there is forgiveness of these, there is no longer any offering for sin” (Heb 10:15-18).

This means: First, that God doesn’t hold this wrong against you. Second, He will not remember this event again (Heb. 10:16-18). Third, He will not talk to others about this incident. Fourth, He will let this event go and not cling to it or become bitter about it (Eph. 4:31). Finally, God will aggressively love you from here on out (Eph. 4:32).

The Omniscient God says that he will remember our sins no more. When Satan, the accuser comes to God and points out our sinful past, God’s response is to say, “I don’t know what you are talking about. All I see is Jesus. I refuse to remember George’s sin. It is as if he never committed it.” God is committed to not remembering our sins.

Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians says that we are to be like God, “imitators of God” (5:1). With regard to the topic of forgiveness, we need to glory in the fact that God does not remember our sin. We need to believe this fact and trust that it is true. Then we need to imitate him. We don’t need to forgive ourselves, we didn’t sin against ourselves, we sinned against God. So, when the accuser comes to us and says, “remember that sin? You’ve done that a thousand times. You’re so terrible.” Remember what God says about the same accusation: “I don’t remember what you are talking about. All I see is Jesus.” Its all about believing God; having faith in God; trusting God. Do you believe that God has forgiven you because of what Jesus did on the cross? Believe also that you have been forgiven and that God does not remember your sin anymore. Let your faith work itself out in your imitation of God.

Finally, we need to constantly remember that God saves us, convicts us, forgives us, and transforms us because he loves us. You might ask yourself, who wants this relationship (between God and us) more: “God or you?” This question might help clear things up, “What have you done to create or sustain the relationship?” God sent his son to die a horrible death so that he could relate to you in a loving way. God wants this relationship more than you ever could. So, go with that. Let God pour his love out on you. Accept his love, his salvation, his forgiveness. Imitate him in loving others, in not holding other’s sins against them, in not remembering their sins. Love from the heart.

Our Response

This is what God has done on our behalf. This is the good news—the Gospel, but how do we incorporate this into our lives? The first step is that we should believe it; every bit of it, from top to bottom, inside to out. Second, we should throw ourselves on the mercy of God and beg him to accept us into his life (Mt. 11:28-29). Third, we should accept or receive his forgiveness and new life and live accordingly. We should throw off our sin and strive to live for righteousness. Study to know what walking with God looks like and then walk with God (2 Cor. 6:14-18).

If There’s Time

What about guilt feelings? Some people feel guilty for things that happen to them. They think they may have done things to earn or warrant what has happened to them or to others in their lives. They may live or have grown up in a culture of shame or guilt manipulation. These people need to think about the difference between real guilt and false guilt. Guilt is only valid when we have sinned against God (Psa 51:4) or against others. If you were three years old and treated horribly by your father, you didn’t do anything wrong, you were actually a victim of his sin. In this case you need to trust God about your forgiveness for the things you actually did do, and imitate God by forgiving your father. Distinguish between your sin and sin done against you. If you aren’t sure, go ahead and confess it as your sin and accept God’s forgiveness by faith and live in faith (Rom. 6:11; 1 Cor. 6:11). We’ll talk more about giving away sin done against you when we talk about anger and shame next month.

What about continued guilt feelings? I just don’t feel forgiven. We need to know that feelings follow thoughts. Our feelings come from what we have previously thought. Ultimately, feelings of guilt come because we think we are guilty. If we are, we need to confess it and believe that we have been forgiven and imitate God in not remembering our sin. If you never were guilty, but still suffer the thoughts of guilt and shame, we need to believe God about who we are in Christ and pray that God would give us his mind about who we are in Christ. As we grow in our imitation of God we will begin to think right thoughts. As we do this more and more consistently, those things that we beat ourselves up with from our past will drift away until we think rightly about every area of our lives. We should begin by rejoicing in God because he rejoices to know us (Zeph. 3:14-17).

Books

From Forgiven to Forgiving, Jay Adams

Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds, by Chris Brauns

When People are Big and God is Small, Ed Welch

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How to Eliminate Guilt (Non-Christian)

Everyone experiences guilt at one time or another during their life. While some guilt can induce positive change, it can also become self-destructive, waste energy and add stress to your life. Read on for some tips on processing these feelings so that you can eliminate, or at least minimize, your guilt.

1. Identify whether or not you should feel guilty. Remember that guilt is evidence of a troubled conscience and, in some circumstances, is appropriate. If, after careful thought, you conclude that your actions were wrong and that your guilt is justified, think of ways to make amends or make the situation “right.” Take action sooner rather than later to combat another emotion commonly associated with guilt: Shame.
2. Engage in self-exploration to really get in touch with your feelings. Explore your feelings on a deeper level to ensure that it is indeed guilt you are feeling. When we feel guilty, we focus intently on events that have already happened. When we worry, it is about events that are presently happening or may happen in the future. If it is worry, find out how to eliminate worry.
3. Affirm that the event has happened and that you feel guilty. Write it down if it helps. Here are some examples:

“I let Fido out and he got run over by a car. I feel guilty that Fido is now dead because I loved him and Mom and Dad loved him too.”

“I didn’t study for the test and I got an F. I feel guilty that I let my parents down who pay so much for me to go to school.”

“I broke up with Bobby. I feel guilty that he hurts so much.”

4. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do to make this situation better right now?” Here are some examples:

“There is nothing I can do to bring Fido back, but I can apologize to Mom and Dad, and I can learn from my mistake.”

“I can talk to my professor and see if he will let me retake the exam. If not, I can drop the class so that the F will not appear on my transcript.”

“I could get back together with Bobby, but that would be a short-term solution, since I would not be happy and we would end up in the same place. I could console him, but that will probably make the situation worse. I have exhausted all possibilities and there is nothing I can do to make this situation better.”

5. Modify your behavior so that it will not happen again. Write it down if it helps. Here are some examples:

“From now on, I will check to make sure the gate is locked every time I enter and exit the yard so that if we get another dog, he will not escape.”

“From now on, I will study as hard as I need to before my exams so that I do well.”

“Bobby is too clingy and sensitive. From now on, I will not date guys like that because it will end badly just like this relationship did.”

6. If you still feel guilty, affirm that it is not necessary or productive. Say to yourself, “I have now done everything in my power to make this situation better. My guilt no longer serves any positive purpose.”
7. Move on with your life. Don’t dwell on negative, guilty feelings; they lead to inappropriate levels of shame and self-loathing. Recognize that nobody’s perfect and we all make mistakes, and this is one you will not repeat. Engage in activities that are positive and affirming, and where you have opportunities to do good; allow yourself to see how the same mistake that made you feel guilty has now resulted in your being a better, more conscientious person.

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How to Handle Guilt

What is guilt?

The fact of being responsible for an offense or wrongdoing….Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong. Comes from doing something wrong.

Where does it come from?

1. From doing something wrong.
2. From thinking you have done something wrong.

How do you know if you are guilty?

An authority (even if that authority is you) has set some standards that you have not lived up to. Romans 2:14

Can you be guilty without feeling guilty?

Yes! You can harden your heart to the standards that have been set and you can become callous to your feelings.

Can you feel guilty without being guilty?

You can doubt that God has really forgiven you and that in itself is sin, because you do not believe God.

What happens if you become guilty without dealing with it?

You will die. Rom 6:33 – The wages of sin is death.

How does one become guilty?

By breaking one of God’s laws. Eph 6:1 – Obey your parents. Rom 13:1 – Obey the governing authorities. Heb 13:1 – Obey your church leaders.

How does one become unguilty?

1 John 1:9 – Confess your sin to God

Acts 26:20 – Repent and follow Jesus.

Romans 10 – Call on the Name of the Lord Jesus.

What is the purpose of the conscience?

It is the vehicle the Holy Spirit uses to let us know how we are doing with God. If we are in fellowship with God our conscience is clear (1 Timothy 1:5; 3:9; Heb 9:9; 1 Peter 3:16).

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And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Gen 2:25)

Now Absalom, David’s son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David’s son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her (2 Sam. 13:1-22)

In you, O LORD, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame! (Psa 71:1)

Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offense; and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.” (Rom 9:33)

…looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Heb 12:2)

Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. (Phi 3:19)

Introduction

How many of you have ever experienced shame. Have you ever experienced shame to the point where you would call it ‘debilitating shame?” I don’t want you to raise your hand. When trying to define shame, one author likens it to the response of a supreme court justice who when asked to define obscenity responded with I may not be able to define it, but “I know it when I see it.”

Understanding Shame:

Shame is often associated with guilt. Whereas guilt is related to something we have done or not done, shame is related to who we are. We might say, “I crashed my father’s favorite car.” Guilt says, “I crashedthe car.” Shame says, “Icrashed the car.” Guilt might go on to talk about how devastated my father will be when he finds out about the car and how many years I’ll have to work to pay for the damage. Shame will talk about what a terrible person I am and how can such an unworthy person ever drive a car again.

Another difference between guilt and shame comes when your father actually finds out about the car. He might approach you and say something like, “I heard you crashed my car today. I understand that it was an accident, but you still need to work extra hours to pay for it.” And that’s it. He has handled the guilt. But if he responds with, “I heard you crashed my car this afternoon. What kind of a bozo drives like that? I can’t believe you take my stuff and are so irresponsible. You’re a complete failure as a child. You’ll have to work extra hours to pay for it and I doubt if you’ll ever get to drive my car again.” This is a shame filled response.

Guilt has to do with what you have done. Shame with who you are. Guilt is outside you, in a sense. Shame defines you. It is your identity. It goes to the core of who you think you are. It is you.

You feel like an outcast. You don’t belong.
You feel naked. While everyone else is walking around with their clothes on, you feel exposed and vulnerable. You are seen, and what others see is not pretty.
You feel unclean. Something is wrong with you. You are dirty.
Even worse, you are contaminated. There is a difference between being a bit muddy and harboring a deadly, contagious virus. (Ed Welch, Shame Interrupted, p. 27)

Where Shame Comes From

Shame, according to some, is ubiquitous. Everyone feels shameful and it is so much a part of humanity that it is part of each of us in an ontological way. It is as much human as having opposable thumbs is human (cf. Jill McNish, Transforming Shame, p. 2, 14, etc.). Dr. McNish even sees shame as a “uniting force because it moves us to try to fit in and conform to societal conventions and standards” (p. 3). While this is a very interesting observation it is clearly one that tries to observe humanity from an incomplete vantage point.

The Bible specifically tells us that mankind was created without shame; “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25). Shame did not enter into human experience until after the fall. The Bible says that after Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree, “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked” (Gen 3:7). I find it interesting and significant that instead of feeling guilty, the text draws our attention to the fact that the first thing they did was cover their nakedness. They felt ashamed because of what they had done. They covered themselves with fig leaves and went and hid in the bushes (3:8). Of course we can see that they knew they were guilty because when God asked them about it, they said they were hiding because they were afraid, and naked: guilty and ashamed (3:10).

The NT writers explain to us that because Adam sinned we are sinners (Rom 5:12) and because we are inAdam we will die (1 Cor. 15:22), in fact death came to all the world through Adam (1 Cor. 15:21). In other words, we are guilty of Adam’s sin and his sin made us all guilty (Rom. 12:14-21). And this is why we feel guilty, even when we haven’t committed any sin. Of course, no one hasn’t committed sin and so we also feel guilty for our own sin as well (1 Jn. 1:10, etc.). This explains why we feel guilty. In the first place, we feel guilty because Adam made us guilty. In the second place we feel guilty because we have committed sins of our own and thus are also guilty for our own sins.

But in the same way that Adam was guilty of having eaten the fruit, he was also ashamed because he had eaten the fruit. He had sinned and had also become a sinner. He had sinned. And hehad sinned. At the same time, we were in him sinning, and wewere in him sinning. Thus we became guilty and ashamed as part of who we are. This is why shame is so ubiquitous. Why we all feel ashamed. Why everyone raises their hands when asked about shame.

So far we have located two sources of shame: Adam’s sin and our sin. But shame comes to us in more ways than these two. In 2 Samuel 13 we read the story of Tamar’s rape and degradation. As a result of her terrible treatment she became filled with shame. She tore her robe, put ashes on her head and went about weeping and wailing to express her shame. She was not guilty of anything, other than trying to help her brother, but he raped her and defiled her, filling her with shame. When Jonathan helped David and Saul found out about it, Saul tried to fill Jonathan with shame for having helped David (1 Sam. 20:30). The Bible is full of passages that show that shame can be piled on to another person by sinning against them, by degrading them, embarrassing them, or by betraying them. This is a third way of becoming shame filled. Someone can cause another to be filled with shame. Bad parents, friends, relatives, events, misunderstandings, etc. all can bring shame to us and fill us with shame.

The fourth way that shame can come to us, is when we deny the Lord. When Jesus went through his trial and crucifixion Peter denied that he even knew Jesus and after the third denial and the cock crows, Peter “broke down and wept” (Mt. 26:75; Mk. 14:72; Lk. 22:62).

The Biblical Understanding of Shame

As I’ve pointed out before, the non-Christian world recognizes that shame is a problem. And as we have noted with other problems with life, the non-Christian world either spins it—trying to making it a good thing, denies it—trying to pretend it doesn’t really exist, or spins their wheels trying to treat it—psychology. But again, as always, the Bible has a solution sent straight from God. I know, you know the answer—Jesus. But how does Jesus solve the problem that goes to the very core of our being? He does it by killing us and raising us from the dead as new creatures with new identities. We are no longer ashamed, we are joyful. We are no longer fearful, we are bold. We are no longer guilty, we’ve been cleansed. We are no longer sinners, we are Christians. This is why the Bible calls this Good News. Jesus changes us in a fundamental way. Here’s how it works:

Old Testament

We’ve already seen how we got in the mess in the first place—Adam and his sin. What we need to point out is that many years later when Moses was sent to lead the Israelites out of Egypt God gave them the Law. The purpose of the Law was to organize the nation in such a way as to put feet on the expression “I will be your God and you will be my people” (Ex. 6:7; etc.). The Law included how the people were relate to God as he blessed them and cared for them. It was a document that lined out how sinful people could live with a holy God. Consequently, because the people were sinful, much of the Law contained directions for what was sinful and how to “fix” what was sinful. The Sacrificial system, feasts, holy days, special places, behavior, clothing, foods, animals, and sicknesses, were all addressed in the Law.

Because we don’t have a lot of time, it is necessary for this to besimplified, but suffice it to say that concerning God there is a very large rift between what is holy and what is profane. Some things that were previously holy, after touching something unholy, become unholy as well. God calls some things clean and others unclean. Sometimes these unclean circumstances could become clean if certain protocols were followed. Sometimes there was nothing anyone could do to make something clean. And at the center of this uncleanness was shame. For example, if someone contracted leprosy, they were to cover themselves in a certain way and avoid others. When they couldn’t avoid others, they were to cry “unclean!” so that no one would come near and take the chance of touching them and becoming unclean as well.

The point here is this: the Law was meant to help people worship and relate to God. It delineated those who were clean and those who were unclean; those who were filled with shame and those who were honorable before God. From the beginning it was a grace filled system with rituals, protocols, and liturgy whereby unclean things could become clean. Through a lack of faith in God and despite the means to remove shame, however, Israel became a culture of shame. They were measuring honor and shame as if they were badges of human merit and achievement—ladders to nowhere. Of course, this attitude was why Israel was ultimately destroyed, but the fact remains that God’s plan was for people to worship him with their whole hearts, minds, souls, bodies and strength.

New Testament

Into this nation and world came Jesus. Jesus didn’t have anything to commend himself even from before he was born. When you look at his ancestry you see prostitutes, adulterers, and non-Jews. Any one of which makes Jesus suspect in terms of honor and shame. Add to this that his mother was unwed when he was conceived and it was only because Joseph believed and obeyed the angel’s message that Jesus had a father at all. In fact Joseph’s plan had been to divorce Mary quietly so that she wouldn’t have to go through the open shame of it all.  Jesus was born in a dirty old mangerwhere animals lived and did what animals do. He spent his early years on the lam in Egypt, only coming home because an angel told them it was safe. On top of it all he grew up in Nazareth. “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” (Jn. 1:46). People said he was out of his mind (Mk. 3:21). They tried to throw him off a cliff (Lk. 4:29-30). Throughout his ministry he had no home, nowhere to lay his head (Mt. 8:20). He was born and raised in shame.

Jesus didn’t help his case any when he went to John to be baptized. The baptism was a baptism of repentance (Mt. 5:6, 11) so everyone coming to him was admitting that he was sinful and in need of forgiveness. Jesus joined those ranks and became one of the hoi palloi, one of the riff raff. From then on, even though he did a lot of public speaking and did some cool miracles, he proceeded to hang out with the low-lifes of the culture. He spent way too much time with those, who were unclean according to the Law; prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers, demoniacs, Samaritans, Gentiles, a woman who was bleeding, sinners, and other reprehensible people. Not only did he hang with them, he touched them and let them touch him. And instead of working with the religious and cultural leaders, he insulted them and bested them at every turn. With every meal, walk, conversation, sleep, and stop along the way, Jesus became more and more unclean and thus more and more shameful.

Even his arrest (at night), trial, and crucifixion was filled with shameful elements. He was arrested and tortured by foreigners. He was mocked, had his clothes torn off him, cursed, beat, railed at, insulted and reviled in every way possible. He was blindfolded and beaten, forced to wear a crown made of thorns, had his beard torn out, and screamed at. He was scorned even by his own people who shouted as one man, “Crucify him!” His closest friends and followers fled from his side. Even his closest friend denied him three times. Finally, he was executed/sacrificed in the most inhumane and shameful way that anyone could be killed. His clothes were torn off, exposing his shame. According to Deuteronomy 21:23 anyone hung on a tree was cursed by God. Shame is about not fitting in and crucifixion is the ultimate “not fitting in.” To top it all off God turned his back on His Son. Jesus cried out to his father, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mt. 27:46; Mk. 14:34).

Help for the Shamed: The Resurrection is Huge

This is the story of Christianity. Our leader, our savior, our God, is the God of shame. If we leave the story here we end in a deep pit. But the Bible does not leave it here. After three days, Jesus rose from the dead; a victorious resurrection. He was no longer dead, but he was not a dead man living again—only to die again, instead he was a resurrected man—never to die again. God the creator of the universe, is sitting on his throne, capturing followers as fast as he can, building his kingdom with shameful, decrepit, losers and sinners; just like those he hung out with when he was walking among us.

And that’s right where we need to begin to understand all this. Jesus, the second Adam (1 Cor. 15:45-49), became a man and dwelt among us—as one of us. Not only did he live with us, he lived as one of the lowliest of us. He identified with us and became one of us. This is why though sinless, he was baptized with a baptism of repentance. This is why he hung out with the lowly and let unclean people touch him and why he went after the unlovely of society. He was identifying with shameful mankind. In the same way that he became sin for us, he also became shame for us. And in the same way that he overcame death for us, he also overcame shame for us. He cleansed us from our sin when he died on the cross, and he cleansed us from our shame at the same time.

He did all this because in the same way that Adam sinned for us, Jesus died for us. In the same way that we were in Adam when he sinned, so also we were in Jesus when he died. The Bible says that when we identify with Jesus by being baptized into him, into his name, we are baptized into his death (Rom. 6:3). And because in our baptism we are united with him in his death, we are also united with him in his resurrection (Rom. 6:4). The whole point of this is so that we can live new lives—free of sin, guilt, and shame. As I mentioned above, we are free from guilt because Jesus died in our place. And we are freed from our shame for the same reason. Jesus took on our shame, became our shame, and killed it on the cross. We are Christians, we are free.

Homework

I generally ask people to read Ephesians and as they do circle every time Paul uses the phrases, “in Jesus,” “in him,” “in God,” “in truth,” etc. From there I might go to pretty much anywhere in the Bible and ask the counselee to pay attention to how Jesus is relating with those around him. Notice how he treats the humble and the proud, and realize that the counselee is one of the humble. We come to Christ with nothing. There’s nothing we can do to prepare ourselves for Jesus. We need to give him our load, the ideas, thought, and actions we think make us someone, the things we take pride in. We can only come to Jesus if we really believe we are nothing and have nothing. Do you believe you are worthless? You qualify. Come to Jesus. Let him transform you. Let him set you free.

Recommended Resources

Ed Welch, Shame Interrupted. A great book!

Justin and Lindsay Holcomb, Rid of my Disgrace.This book is meant to help people who have been sexually mistreated, but it is very good in the area of shame as well.

This came from Shame Interrupted, p. 11

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Shame and Guilt

Shame and guilt are close companions but not identical. Shame is the more common and broader of the two, In Scripture you will find shame (nakedness, dishonor, disgrace, defilement) about ten times more often than you find guilt.

Guilt lives in the courtroom where you stand alone before the judge. It says, “You are responsible for wrongdoing and legally answerable.” “You are wrong.” “You have sinned.” The guilty person expects punishment and needs forgiveness.

Shame lives in the community, though the community can feel like a courtroom. It says, “You don’t belong–you are unacceptable, unclean, and disgraced” because “You are wrong, you have sinned” (guilt), or “Wrong has been done to you” or “You are associated with those who are disgraced or outcast.” The shamed person feels worthless, expects rejection, and needs cleansing, fellowship, love, and acceptance.

Guilt and shame intersect when a particular sin is regarded, by yourself or others, to be worse than most sins. For example, get caught with child pornography and you will experience both guilt and shame. Same-sex attraction finds itself here too. But what if your anger briefly flares at a reckless driver? You might feel a little guilt but, most likely, no shame because everyone else has done similar things.

Don’t forget that your sensors for guilt and shame are fallible. They can be silent when they should say something, and they can also sound false alarms. But, false alarm or not, when we hear them we must do something. They don’t turn off automatically.

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Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. (Gal 6:1)

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Pet. 4:8)

Introduction

Okay, so you’ve just met and everything is going great. Suddenly, from out of nowhere one of you gets angry with the other. Feelings are hurt, words are said, feet are stomped, curses slung, and then all is silent—deathly silent. What do you do now?

Start with God

The most important relationship any of us has is our relationship with God.  When we are out of fellowship with one another, we are out of fellowship with God. But we are not allowed to be out of fellowship with God because the greatest commandment tells us to love God with every fiber of our being. Then, the next greatest commandment tells us to love one another (1 Jn. 4:11; Lev. 19:18). So, in order to love our neighbor, we must love God first. Indeed, we cannot love our neighbor unless we first love God.

Move to Your Friend

In getting into it with our friend, however, we said and thought some things that were sinful. Our first step is to confess those sins to God (1 Jn. 1:9). Then we need to go to our friend and make things right with him. “If you bring your gift to God and remember that your brother has something against you, go to him and make things right, then bring your gift to God” (Mt 5:23, 24). In going to your friend, don’t point out his sin or the things he said that were wrong. Don’t defend your comments or give any excuses for the things you said or did. Simply confess your sin, accepting full responsibility for your sin. Don’t even mention the other person or the reasons for why you did or said what you said. Just as confessing sin to God is all about you, so too is confessing sin to your brother or sister. When you realize that you have sinned against your brother, or that he has sinned against you, you should keep short accounts and try to make things right as quickly as you can. Don’t give Satan a foothold and don’t let bitterness blossom and make everything even worse (Eph. 4:26-27; Heb. 12:15).

Your Friend Needs Help

Suppose your friend is really a piece of work. Of course you sinned, but it takes two to have a fight. You can clearly see the sinfulness of your brother and you feel obligated to “fix” him. First, the Bible does say, “If your brother sins against you, go to him and work things out…(Mt. 18:15). However, it also says, “If your brother is caught in a sin, you who are spiritualshould restore him…(Gal. 6:1). If you have just “had it out” with your friend, you are not spiritual and therefore not qualified to restore him. If you confessed your sin and he forgave you, you may or may not be in a position to correct him, but most likely not—at least not right now. If this is the case you need to let love cover a multitude of sins and just walk away (1 Pet. 4:8).

Suppose on the other hand, that you have not had a fight with your friend. You’ve simply observed a sinful and unconfessed pattern in his life. First, check yourself to see if you share the sin, or if you have any unconfessed sin in your life. The Bible calls this removing the log from your eye before you try to take the speck out of your brother’s (Mt. 7:1-5). Once the log is removed, if there was one, you are then free to gently restore your friend to fellowship with God (Gal. 6:1).

When Your Friend Comes to You

We began our discussion by talking about a fight between you and your friend. Now suppose that God has not convicted you of your sinful part in the story, because, of course, you didn’t sin. But your friend has sinned against you, and you are working on letting love cover a multitude of sins. Your brother shows up on your door step for one of two reasons: First, he has a complaint against you. Remember, it takes two to have a fight. If you had a fight it is very rare for both parties to be free from sin and blame. So if he comes to you about your sin, listen humbly and quietly, examine your heart carefully and confess any sin he might be right about. If you do not think he is right in his observations, do not argue with him; simply thank him for his opinion and help and tell him you will continue to consider his comments.

Second your brother may come with his hat in his hand confessing his sin and asking you to forgive him. What do you do? Forgive him (Lk. 17:3). But what if he has sinned in this same way every day for the past month? Forgive him (Lk. 17:4; Mt. 18:21-22). Is that all? Yes and no, but it does begin there. If you don’t forgive your brother, for whom Christ died (1 Cor. 8:11), why should God forgive you (Mt. 18:35)? Another motivating factor in this is that you are related to your friend. You are one with him in Christ; members of Christ’s body, co-heirs of the promises of God (Eph. 3:6; 4:25). You need to forgive him because he is one with you. In a strange way, because you are one in Christ, members of Christ’s body, you are the same person.

Forgiveness

What forgiveness means: First, it means that I don’t hold this wrong against you. Second, I will not remember this event again (Heb. 10:16-18). Third, I will not talk to others about this incident. Fourth, I will let this event go and not cling to it or become bitter about it (Eph. 4:31). Finally, I will aggressively love you from here on out (Eph. 4:32).

Refuses Confession and Repentance

You’ve removed the log, confessed your sins, and have been careful to be loving, gracious and kind, but your friend won’t admit his error or confess his sin. Now what do you do? You can let it go, according to 1 Peter 4:8, or Matthew 18 tells us to take two witnesses with us and let them adjudicate the situation. It could be that you were wrong. It could be that you’ve missed the problem and you still have a log in your eye that has been obstructing your vision. Or perhaps it is a simple difference of opinion. You might think walking on the couch is sinful, but in his family it is a great thing to do. The witnesses can help with sorting it all out.

But suppose the witnesses agree with you that your friend has actually sinned and needs to repent, but he still refuses to do so. Again, you can either let it go or as Jesus continues saying that you should take it to the whole church (Mt. 18:17). The church should have a mechanism to handle these kinds of situations. If after the church deliberates on the matter, and finds that the person is being rebellious and seditious, still refusing to repent, the church is to cast the person out of the church and to proclaim him to be a non-Christian (Mt. 18:17).

Subsequent Repentance

The reason for excommunicating someone is to purify his soul, not to punish him. The goal is repentance, not destruction or chastisement. Consequently, if the process is filled with love and concern for the person, often times he will come to the end of himself and will want to be restored to fellowship. When this happens the restoration should be in front of the whole church in the same way that the excommunication was in front of the whole church. It should be accompanied by shouting, clapping, whooping, and a significant party. Paul says to reaffirm your love for him (2 Cor. 2:8). It should be reminiscent of the party thrown by the prodigal son’s father on his return (Lk. 15:22, 23).

Helpful Resources

Unpacking Forgiveness, Chris Brauns

From Forgiven To Forgiving, Jay Adams

Peacemaker, Ken Sande

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