Christ Church

Grandparents & Grandchildren (To You & Your Children #5)
Christ Church on May 14, 2023
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Courtship & Marriage (To You & Your Children #4)

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INTRODUCTION

Part of the problem modern Christians have is that we have abandoned the mission of the family and so the instructions often don’t make sense. But if the mission is to be fruitful, multiply, and take dominion of the world in obedience to Jesus, and if sexual intimacy, marriage, and children are more like a nuclear reactor, then the stakes are wonderfully high.

THE TEXT

“The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?…” (Mt. 19:3-9).

THE NECESSITY OF WISDOM

We’ve been saying for the last few weeks that boys and girls are different. This is probably a hate crime in some places, and we don’t care. But this means that you really must begin getting ready for courtship and marriage as soon as children arrive. Wisdom doesn’t magically arrive in a package from Canon Press when your son/daughter turns 18. As Pastor Wilson has said over the years, when it comes to dating, you often have two idiots involved, but when it comes to courtship, you may have up to 6. This means there really is no paint-by-numbers kit, and just because you read a book doesn’t mean you know what you’re doing. So you really do want to begin asking for wisdom as soon as you know you’re pregnant, and as soon as you know whether you’re having a son or a daughter. Remember that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Prov. 1:7), and this means seeking counsel and instruction from God and wise men (Prov. 11:14, Js. 1:5). Get counsel, ask for wisdom, follow the examples of others you respect.

WHAT DO WE CALL THIS?

Part of wisdom is not overemphasizing methods or quarrelling over words. I prefer to call this “courtship” instead of dating because we should generally distinguish what we are doing from the pagan culture around us. But courting usually consists of some dating, so don’t get wound tight. The central principles are to honor God, honor your parents, honor the marriage bed, and honor your brothers and sisters in all purity (Eph. 6:1-4, Heb. 13:4, 1 Tim. 5:1-2). The whole thing is a serious business, but it should be a serious joy. We should not take ourselves or our methods too seriously (avoiding dowdy crankiness), and it should be kind of fun.

A MAN SHALL LEAVE

The basic shape of all of this is that a man leaves and a woman is given (Mt. 19:5, Gen. 2:22-24). There is an asymmetry to the pursuit of marriage because men and women are different and were created differently. The woman is a fruitful garden that an honorable man is seeking permission to enter and cultivate (Song 4:12-16, 5:1). But the first action in preparation for marriage is for a man to leave his father and mother. This usually takes place physically, but it must certainly take place emotionally, intellectually, financially, and spiritually. A man must make his own way in the world. A man who cannot govern himself well should not be trusted with another human being (e.g. 1 Tim. 3:5). This doesn’t mean that a man must own his own business, house, car, and a burgeoning 401K. The principle is that there must be some track record of faithfulness and diligence, e.g. paying bills, good grades, good references from employers, spiritual maturity, etc. But a woman ought to see her mission as encompassed in the broadest categories of motherhood: cultivating life, hospitality, and beauty with all wisdom (Prov. 31). This high calling should be matched by pursuing appropriate education, training, work, life-experience, and service. Just as there is a difference between a boy and man, there is a difference between a girl and woman, and while the timing varies somewhat from culture to culture, we should not ignore wisdom, while generally pursuing marriage early in life.

EQUAL YOKES

The Bible is very clear that believers must only marry other believers (Dt. 7:3, 1 Cor. 7:39). Righteousness doesn’t have fellowship with unrighteousness; light has no communion with darkness (2 Cor. 6:14-18). This is why one of the slanders against the early church was that they practiced incest, since they only married “brothers/sisters” in the Lord. But better that slander than the compromise and heartache that follows marrying an unbeliever. This means that non-Christians are not an option for close friends/courtship. And part of this means remembering that it really is not possible for a man and a woman to be “just friends.” Either it will slide into sexual/emotional sin or else it won’t, which is just as bad. Of course you should have groups of friends, but remember that gravity exists and when the same three girls hang out with the same three guys a lot, things will happen. Wisdom knows that and takes precautions. Related to equal yokes, in addition to commitment to Christ and His Word, education, family background, career interests, cultural expectations, and personalities should be taken into account.

CONCLUSIONS: SEXUAL SIN, FORGIVENES, & WISDOM

It’s a rare kid who grows up in our sexual cesspool of a world who manages to come to marriageable age without any sexual sin, and sometimes there are really severe sins and consequences (sexual dysfunction, disease, divorce, child support, etc.). But where sin abounds, grace abounds more: “Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind… shall inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:9-11).

Forgiveness sets the bone, but forgiveness doesn’t guarantee wisdom/trust or absolve from all consequences. Love sincerely desires to treat others lawfully from the heart, which sometimes includes accountability, restitution, time for healing, and consequences. But forgiveness means that God’s blessing is on whatever comes next. In the law, Moses allowed divorce for fornication, which can refer to sexual sin prior to marriage or certain forms of sexual immorality within marriage (Mt. 19:8-9, Dt. 24:1). This means that a wise father should know the general backstory before allowing a young man to court his daughter and at some point before engagement, any sexual past needs to be disclosed by both parties.

While wisdom must be our guide, and marriage is an office with higher standards than mere Christian fellowship (and therefore an honorable man or woman may walk away from a courtship for any reason), it should also be remembered that the gospel is the story of a faithful Husband seeking an unfaithful bride and washing her completely clean (Hos. 3:1, Eph. 5:25-27).

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Launching Teenagers (To You & Your Children #3)

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INTRODUCTION

The goal of parenting is not merely that our children would submit to the standard, but rather that they would love the standard (Dt. 6:5-7). Our goal is not merely that their faith would survive intact or that they would avoid various moral hazards. Our goal is that they would rise up with us and do damage to the Kingdom of darkness, that they would be hazards to unbelief and immorality. We want to raise dangerous kids – children that hate the darkness even more than us, love Jesus even more than us, and drive the Devil and all his works further off the field.

THE TEXT

“Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is hisreward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.” (Psalm 127)

SPEAKING WITH ENEMIES IN THE GATE

The end of this Psalm implies something about how God builds houses and guards cities: He gives children that understand the mission and join us in the work (Ps. 127:5, 1). Parenting in faith (versus fear/anxiety) means looking for that fruit expectantly and encouraging it and praising it as it emerges. As children finish their elementary and middle school years, there should be less artificial consequences, more real-life consequences (e.g. chores, restitution, etc.), and more and more dialogue about everything. This means that you need to shift your tone from one of gracious authority to a tone of friendship and counsel. The goal is that your children will speak with your enemies in the gates as your peer, and you are the one primarily responsible that they be prepared to do that.

There are many warnings in Scripture about the power of words: death and life are in the power of the tongue (Prov. 18:21). Sharp words are like a dagger, but the tongue of the wise gives good health (Prov. 12:18). A wholesome tongue is a tree of life (Prov. 15:4). This applies to all people, but the way spouses talk to one another and parents to their children is potent, especially when you disagree with them or they have sinned or made some mistake. Remember also, that you are helping them prepare for their own marriages and families, so focus on loving your daughters and respecting your sons in your words, affection, and loyalty. The irony is that a certain kind of critical harping (about “high” standards) often tempts children to join the enemy, while respectful dialogue and patient, friendly sparing prepares them to speak with the enemy.

GIVING FREEDOM

Remember that the plan is for your children to leave your home, and therefore, sometime in high school you should tell your son/daughter that they are free to do whatever they want in the Lord. The goal is for them to act like adults while they are still in your home, so that if/when they run into challenges/trouble, you are right there to help before they leave. And when sin/folly occurs, resist the temptation to overreact or clamp down. Treat them the way you would want to be treated; try to remember what you were like at that age. Maybe think about how you would talk to another teenager who needs help; your teenagers should get your best version. And think about accountability in the same way: offer it, encourage it, and only insist on it, if God requires it. Related to all of this: pick your battles carefully. Way better to stay in fellowship and let some things go than to overzealously drive your children away.

BOYS & GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT (PT. 2)

Sexual temptations that face teenagers generally incline boys to desire and girls desire to be desired. This is because God made women to be the glory of man (Gen. 2:23, 1 Cor. 11:7). There is nothing sinful about noticing this, but honoring the marriage bed means not allowing lust to contaminate your mind or emotions. Chastity means not giving or taking physically or emotionally what God has not blessed. While this certainly means that men must pursue covenant fidelity, particularly with their eyes (Job 31:1), it must also be pointed out that women must pursue covenant fidelity, particularly with their emotions (Song 2:7, 3:5). Practically, parents should talk about the glory of marriage and children from the earliest days, allowing for no foolish talk of “crushes” or “who likes who” or dating before marriage is an actual possibility. More on this next week.

CONCLUSION: WHEN YOU HAVEN’T DONE IT RIGHT

When you haven’t been doing it right, the answer is to confess your sins and repent as much as you can (Js. 5:16). But begin by confessing your sin to God, seeking His forgiveness, and praying for His grace to repent and lead your family back into the light (Job 1:5). Don’t try to turn the whole thing on a dime. Talk to your spouse, and make sure you’re on the same page first. Make sure there aren’t any outstanding disagreements, grudges, or offenses between you. Then pray hard together for some time about talking with your kids.

If your children are still relatively young (elementary years), confess your sins to them, and tell them that you are going to begin obeying God by requiring joyful, prompt obedience (Eph. 6:1). Maybe pick the top 1-2 things that need work, do 1-2 weeks of practice, and then enforce it. If there are 15 things that are wrong, just start with the top ones, don’t try to tackle everything at once. God is patient with us, and often small steps of repentance have a way of multiplying and clearing up other areas.

If your children are in middle school or high school (or even grown and gone), and you haven’t been faithful, you should sit them down (or call), explain what you haven’t done right, ask their forgiveness, and then tell them that you want to begin doing what is right. You should make it plain that you will not try to force their obedience but that you will strive to honor Jesus. Ask them if they are willing to join you. Make a plan together for how you will establish new patterns of life. Keep the gospel at the center. Jesus turns the hearts of fathers and children.

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Faith, Fellowship, & Fruitfulness (To You & Your Children #1)

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INTRODUCTION

As we are a congregation of fruitful families, we will spend the next five Sundays reviewing what the Bible says about raising children. This week we begin with the big picture goals of Faith, Fellowship, and Fruitfulness, and from there we will proceed to parenting young children, teenagers, courtship and marriage, and finally grandparents and grandchildren.

I want to frame this series not merely as common sense and biblical principles (although that’s true), I also want to frame this in terms of our cultural and political moment. When Moses preached the sermon series of Deuteronomy, he was giving Joshua and the elders their marching orders for conquest. While our culture self-immolates, many thoughtful Christians ask themselves, “What can we do?” There are many things we can and should do, but one of them is gather ammo. And by that I mean, have children and train them well (Ps. 127).

Training them well begins with a firm faith in God the Rewarder. There is an enormous difference between parenting in faith and parenting in fear. One fills a home with tension, stress, and constant anxiety; the other fills a home with relief, peace, and joy.

THE TEXT

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen … But without faithit is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.” (Heb. 11:1, 6).

FAITH VS. FEAR

Faith means trusting that God is there, and that He is for you and for your children. The center of this faith is salvation in Jesus Christ: “If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not His own son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?” (Rom. 8:31-32) All things – like what? How about our children? And this is precisely what was promised by the Prophet Malachi: “Behold I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord: and he shall turn the heart of the fathers to their children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse” (Mal. 4:5-6). And Luke says this was John the Baptist (Lk. 1:17). Jesus came to remove the curse of sin, particularly in how it tends to flow through generations.

But the Old Testament promises of the New Covenant go even further: “As for me, this is my covenant with them, saith the LORD; My spirit that is upon thee, and my words which I have put in thy mouth, shall not depart out of thy mouth, nor out of the mouth of thy seed, nor out of the mouth of thy seed’s seed, saith the LORD, from henceforth and forever” (Is. 59:21). Isaiah says that the New Covenant includes the promise of God’s Spirit and words being with us and with our children and our grandchildren forever.

“And they shall be my people, and I will be their God: And I will give them one heart, and one way, that they may fear me forever, for the good of them, and of their children after them: And I will make an everlasting covenant with them, that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; but I will put my fear in their hearts, that they shall not depart from me” (Jer. 32:38-40).

What good thing does God promise those who trust in Him? He promises to turn the hearts of our children toward us and toward Him, so that His Word will remain in their mouths and the mouths of our grandchildren forever, so that they may fear Him for their good. This means that the dominant tone in a Christian family must be relief, joy, gratitude, laughter, delight, and freedom because of the gospel promises of God.

STAYING IN JOYFUL FELLOWSHIP

In regeneration, we are made alive by faith in Christ, and we are brought into fellowship with the Father, through the Son, by the Holy Spirit and given a joy that can never be taken away (Jn. 16:22). This fellowship with God is the fullness of joy, and we share that fellowship with one another, with everyone who is in fellowship with the Father (1 Jn. 1:3-4). When a new child is born into a Christian home, they are sovereignly placed by God into that Christian fellowship. This is why the Bible calls the children of at least one believing parent “saints” (1 Cor. 7:14). But this holy fellowship must be maintained by walking in the Light and the blood of Jesus Christ cleansing us from all sin (1 Jn. 1:7). This cleansing takes place either through the joyful covering of sin in love (1 Pet. 4:8, Prov. 10:12) or the gracious confronting of sin in love (Gal. 6:1). This is why love is called the bond of perfection (Col. 3:14).

When covering sin in must be completely put away and forgotten under the blood; when confronting sin, the goal is confession, forgiveness, reconciliation, and winning your brother (Mt. 18:15). The Hippocratic Oath applies here also: first do no harm. There’s no situation so bad that you can’t make it worse. Sometimes invasive surgery is necessary, but often not and risks infection. Remember a brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city (Prov. 18:19). Bitterness is resentment, grudges, past offenses that spring up defiling many with all kinds of trouble (Heb. 12:15). But love keeps no record of wrongs and does not let the sun go down on anger; therefore sin must be dealt with right away, as soon as possible (1 Cor. 13:5, Eph. 4:26).

APPLICATIONS

Faith means believing that God is there, and that He is for you and for your children because of what He has done in Jesus Christ. This is the seed of the gospel from which proceeds all Christian fruitfulness. And this means that a Christian home is marked by this joy and relief.

Christian love guards this joy and the resulting fellowship by dealing with sin as quickly as possible, either covering the sin in love or confronting the sin in love, remembering to take the log out of your own eye first. This includes parents confessing their own sins to their children.

Finally, Christian faith believes God that children and joyful families are central to the mission of the earth being filled with the knowledge of the Lord as the waters cover the sea. God is our Father and we have a great inheritance in Him, including our children, they are the inheritance of the Lord and reinforcements as we receive them in faith.

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