INTRODUCTION
The central command given to husbands for their duty to their wives is “love.” We live in a world that has willfully rejected God’s love, and substituted all manner of madness in its place, but it is the duty of husbands in particular to learn what God’s love means and embody it toward their wives, without any excuses or complaints. Here, we are told specifically that the action of love is sacrifice and the effect is holiness and cleansing.
THE TEXT
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word” (Eph. 5:25-26).
WE LOVE BECAUSE GOD LOVED FIRST
The Bible teaches that we do not love God and one another naturally; rather, we are naturally inclined to selfishness and hatred, apart from knowing the love of God in Christ (Rom. 3, 1 Jn. 3:16). So once again we must begin with the general principle, and press it to the particular. Husbands cannot love their wives like Christ loved the church, if they do not know the love of God in Christ for the church. And this love begins with the love of the Father: “Behold what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God… Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure… Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God” (1 Jn. 3:1-3, 9).
Notice what the love of God does: it makes men sons of God (1 Jn. 3:1), that adoption puts a great hope in us that we are becoming like Him (1 Jn. 3:2), and that hope is what purifies us (1 Jn. 3:3). This adoption is so thorough that it can be described as being born of God and an imperishable seed is implanted that is so utterly opposed to sin, such that it can be truly said that we cannot sin (1 Jn. 3:9). This doesn’t mean no sin ever occurs, but it means that we are constantly and consistently confessing sin as quickly as it occurs and staying in fellowship with God and everyone around us (1 Jn. 1:7-9). A man who wants to love his wife like Christ must begin here, and therefore, there is no room for despair.
SACRIFICIAL LOVE
How did Christ give himself for us? He humbled himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the likeness of men, even though He was fully equal with God (Phil. 2:6-7). Not only that, but He humbled Himself even further, becoming obedient even to the point of death, and that death was the most humiliating, most excruciating, most cursed death of the cross (Phil. 2:8). And He did all of this for us while we were still ungodly, while we were still sinners, while we were still enemies of God (Rom. 5:6-10).
Notice that this love was obedient love. Christ loved us by doing what was necessary to take away our sins. He did not do what we thought He ought to do, and He did not do what He felt like doing. He did what had to be done. And secondly, notice that this love is efficacious love. He did not love us because we are lovely; He loved us in order to make us lovely. Likewise, when the love of a husband is obedient, it is efficacious. The obedient love of a husband makes his wife lovely.
CLEANSING LOVE
The central problem in this world is sin. And this is where the gospel collides with all other worldviews and religions. The problem is not personality. The problem is not background. The problem is not childhood. The problem is not health, bad habits, or chemical or hormonal imbalances. Although any number of those things can contribute to challenges, the Bible teaches that the fundamental problem is sin, and Jesus died to take away our sins. A husband cannot duplicate that sacrifice, but a husband must imitate it. A husband’s love applies it.
This is why the central goal of a husband’s love is to be sanctifying and cleansing (Eph. 5:26). Do you want a happy marriage? Do you want a joyful home? Do you want a home that is flourishing, productive, and fruitful in every way? Then you must love your wife obediently and efficaciously, washing her with the water of the word. The word here for “word” is interesting since it is a more general and generic word for “thing, matter, or word.” The Word of God is certainly in view (cf. 1 Tim. 4:5), but it also includes all your words, all your dealings, oriented by God’s Word toward cleansing your wife from sin and making her holy like Jesus.
CONCLUSION
In Colossians it says, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them” (Col. 3:19). Some translations say, “do not be harsh with them,” but it really amounts to the same thing. A bitter man will be harsh, and a harsh man is bitter. Remember, it was for the joy set before Him that Jesus endured the cross, despising the shame (Heb. 12:2). What was that joy? The church sanctified and cleansed. Is that hope in you – that you will be like Him? So what about her?
Wash your wife with the Word and with many good words. Tell your wife that you love her, that she is beautiful, sweet, gracious, attractive, and compliment her many times a day. God made us and is remaking us through His Word, and you get to imitate that with your words. God’s word is our food, and your good words are food for your wife, just like food and sex are food for you. This includes taking your wife to church, reading the Bible to her, and talking to her about it and praying with and for her regularly.
Husbands should also understand that one of the most important ways you love your wife is by loving her children well. When you spend time with them, pay attention to them, laugh with them, read to them, and pursue them, your wife feels well loved. Her children are her glory, and when you love and honor that glory, you love and honor her.
And all of this love must be driven by the love of the Father, the love that sent His only Son for you, so that you would be conformed to His image.