Christ Church

Difficult Relationships

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INTRODUCTION

For a number of years now, we have been emphasizing community, life together, fellowship, communion, what the New Testament calls koinonia. The response to this emphasis has been significant—showing that there is a real spiritual hunger for this kind of thing. But there is a hitch—other people are involved. There is always a catch.

Some might remember the conclusion of Sartre’s famous play, No Exit, where he said, “Hell is other people.” But we are Christians, and so we are called to affirm, to the emphatic contrary, that Heaven is other people. But a long stretch of road in a fallen world lies in between us and that Heaven.

THE TEXT

If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus . . . (Phil. 2:1-5).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Paul is about to set before us the great example of Christ’s servant-heart (vv. 6ff). This is an example that he wants us to follow, and he gives us the charge before the example comes. If there is any consolation in Christ (v. 1), and there is, and if God provides any comfort of love, and He does, and if He creates fellowship in the Spirit, which He most certainly does, if there is a deep sympathetic connection in the gut between Christians, and there is, then fulfill Paul’s joy (v. 2). How would we go about fulfilling Paul’s joy? We need to be like-minded, sharing the same love, being in agreement, and settled in one mind (v. 2). We should guard ourselves against noble-sounding but superficial motives (v. 3). Put the other person first, and do so in lowliness of mind (v. 3). Don’t think about your own stuff, your own issues, first, but let every man consider the “things of others” (v. 4). This is the kind of thing Jesus did, and he then proceeds to talk about that stupendous example (vv. 5ff).

INTELLIGENT FELLOWSHIP

There are three basic assumptions that cause conflict in the Church, that contribute to what we might call difficult relationships. First, we tend to assume that every disruption is the direct result of sin, pure and simple. Second, we tend to assume that we know what the sin is. And third, we tend to assume that it is the other person’s sin. All three of these assumptions are drastically, radically, wrong-headed. And remember that the first two easily blend together—when you assume sin in others, it is usually “apparent” to you what the sin is.

GOD-GIVEN DIFFERENCES

We are commanded in this passage to strive toward certain things in common—like-mindedness, being of one mind, a shared fellowship in the Spirit, mutual giving, and so on. This does not mean that we can only do this if we start from some clone-like identity. No, we serve and worship a triune God, who has built some glorious differences into the world. We are to proceed from those differences to the unity described, which is not the same thing as obliterating those differences for the sake of a unity not described.  What are some of those differences that have to be embraced at the starting point? You are cooking with onions and eggs, not trying to turn onions into eggs. Here are some of the glorious built-in differences, some of the onions.

Personality types: do not dismiss this just because you have heard it described by some secular psychologist. Every observant person in the history of the world has known the differences between Pooh, Rabbit, Eeyore, and Tigger. Give them other names (e.g. choleric, melancholic, sanguine, and phlegmatic), or rearrange them and call them something else. Like the fact of gravity, it is something we all have to deal with and, also like gravity, this reality is equally stubborn. There are different kinds of people.

Men and women: the differences between how men and women think, respond, emote, etc. are deep and profound. Men are linear; women think laterally. Men are goal-oriented; women are relationship-oriented. Men seek respect before love; women seek love before respect. Men want honor; women want security. Men want solutions; women want conversation. What a world we live in!

Culture and ethnicity: there are deep differences between a hardscrabble Scot, an expressive Greek, and an inscrutable Japanese. Our PC world should deal with it.

Age and birth order: how can someone who is sixty-years-old still be the little sister? And still feel like she has to compete for dad’s attention?

Mix and match: now take the categories outlined above, and see how many other different combinations you can get. Out-going African woman, shy, retiring, introspective Asian man. You get the picture.

Now if you want to think that every “head bonk” is the result of sin, you are going to wind up thinking that the whole world is engaged in a vast, perverse conspiracy, designed and operated solely in order to offend you grievously every day. And that is what we might call a self-fulfilling prophecy 

ESTEEM OTHERS BETTER

We tend to judge others by their actions, and ourselves by our motives. And since this collision “must be” the result of sin, we immediately try to diagnose what sin it is. And naturally, we always lift the hood of the other guy’s car first. We always give ourselves the advantage. But Paul says here to give the advantage, the benefit of the doubt, the other way.

As C.S. Lewis once pointed out, when you are dealing with a difficult family, or company, or class, you are only dealing with everybody else. God has the same problem with that same group of people, only He is dealing with one more than you are—He is dealing with you also.

STRIFE OR VAINGLORY

Ignoring the creational distinctives that God has given us is a good way to get “one up” on everybody. If you had done that, then your motives would have been thus and such. They did that, and so their motives must have been what yours would have been. This is a recipe for one conflict after another. Those who resort to this tactic frequently accuse others of sin, but they are the ones bringing the sin to the situation.  We are so focused on identifying what his sin must be, that we neglect entirely what our sin might be. Always remember that one of the traits that difficult people usually share is the fact that they think that everyone else is being difficult. So don’t you be that person.

When Paul says to avoid strife and vainglory, he says that we are, in lowliness of mind, to consider the possibility that the person with the other perspective has a point. Yes, but—you want to scream—you have a point too, and nobody’s listening! Well, let go of it, and maybe they will. Put it down for a second.

IN ONE ACCORD

The apostle knows that striving for this kind of like-mindedness is not a day at the beach (4:2), but it most necessary. To return to the cooking metaphor, we are not trying to make a bowl of cream of wheat, without the sugar. We are making a complicated dish, with hundreds of ingredients, and when we are done, we want to still be able to taste both the rum and the coconut. This is Trinitarian community, Trinitarian koinonia.

This is the kind of humility that looks to Christ, and when we look to Christ in this way, the humility grows.

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Assurance (Covenant Life Together #3)

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INTRODUCTION

Last week you were exhorted to be prepared to give a reason for the hope that is in you. But whenever we give our testimony, we will be cross-examined by somebody, and we will be asked, “How can you be sure . . .?” Perhaps you sometimes ask yourself these questions. And so we come to the matter of assurance.

THE TEXT

“He that believeth on the Son of God hath the witness in himself: he that believeth not God hath made him a liar; because he believeth not the record that God gave of his Son. And this is the record, that God hath given to us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He that hath the Son hath life; and he that hath not the Son of God hath not life. These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God” (1 John 5:10–13).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

We can see from John 3:32 that the Son of God has the testimony (marturia). When we believe His testimony, we are acknowledging that He speaks the truth (v. 10). And so what is the testimony that He gives? It is both objective and subjective. This is the record (marturia)—God has given us eternal life, and has done so through His Son. Note that God’s testimony lands in our inner life. The objective side of it is that all life in in His Son (v. 12). If you have the Son, you therefore have life. If you do not have the Son, you do not have life. These things were written, not so that we might be tormented with uncertainty, but rather so that we might know (assurance) that we have eternal life, and that we might know this because we believe on the name of the Son of God (v. 13).

TWO EXTREMES

Now if it is true that not every person baptized into the visible church is saved, and that istrue, then the obvious question becomes “how can we tell the difference between those who truly have the testimony, and those who simply say that they do?” It is a most reasonable question, but that has not kept many people from doing many unreasonable things with it.

There are two extremes to avoid—one is to assume that if your baptismal papers are in order, then you are automatically in, as though the kingdom of God were like a purebred line of golden retrievers. The other extreme is to flinch whenever sin is mentioned and question your salvation at every little thing. And often, ecclesiastical professionals will manipulate both tendencies for their own profit. Don’t give way to either temptation.

THAT YOU MAY KNOW

Going back to 1 John 5:13, if we have the Son, if we have eternal life, God wants us to know that we do.

DOUBTS AND QUESTIONS

There is a vast difference between doubts and questions. Doubts can never be answered in principle because they are phrased like this: “What if . . .?” Questions have answers. They can be posed, you follow it out, and you learn something. Here is the difference. Suppose a happily married woman suddenly has a panic attack out of nowhere. “What if my husband is cheating on me?” The only appropriate answer to this is “what if he isn’t?” That is quite different from a wife asking “who is the blonde in the red convertible out front, the one who is honking for you, who is that?” That’s a question.

BIBLICAL MARKS OF REJECTION

 We are not to over-engineer this. In the context of a biblical community, the burden of proof is on the one who insists upon excluding himself. Note two things about a particular way of living “Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these . . . they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:19, 21). It is manifest who will not inherit the kingdom.

BIBLICAL MARKS OF ADOPTION

 We are supposed to make our calling and election sure (2 Pet. 1:10). We are supposed to examine ourselves to see if we are truly in the faith (2 Cor. 13:5). This can be done without morbid introspection. But how? Keep in mind that in all that follows, it is not so much what you look to as the way you look to it. Baptism, Bible, etc.

  • We saw in 1 John 5:13 that we are to believe on the name of Jesus. We are to hold fast to Jesus Christ (Rom. 10:9). This is the foundation of everything else. Do you trust in Jesus?
  • “Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit” (1 John 4:13). The Spirit is given as a guarantee (Eph. 1:13-14; 2 Cor. 5:5-6). The Spirit is given to us as an assurance. How do we know we have the Spirit? He grows things (Gal. 5:22-23; Eph. 5:9). He kills things (Rom. 8:13).
  • “We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death” (1 John 3:14). What is your attitude toward those you know love God? Do you want to be with them, or are you repelled by them?
  • “And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 18:3). Jesus says that a mark of true conversion is humility of mind, becoming like a little child.
  • “As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, that ye may grow thereby: If so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious” (1 Pet. 2:2–3). A marked characteristic of life is hunger—in this case, hunger for the Word.
  • “For the preaching of the cross is to them that perish foolishness; but unto us which are saved it is the power of God” (1 Cor. 1:18). There are two kinds of people in the world—those who are perishing and to whom the cross makes no sense, and those who are saved, to whom it does.
  • “And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments” (1 John 2:3). Here is another explicit statement of how we know. We know because we obey Him.
  • “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth” (Heb. 12:6). But the previous mark should not be clutched in a false perfectionism. We do still sin. But what happens then is another mark of true conversion.

THE CONCLUSION OF THE MATTER

What is the conclusion of the matter? We are saved by the grace of God in Christ, plus nothing (Eph. 2:8-9). We are not saved by good works. But we are saved to good works (Eph. 2:10).

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Confession of Sin (Covenant Life Together #2)

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INTRODUCTION

Confession of sin is a basic activity that all Christians need to understand and practice. It is the most fundamental form of spiritual housekeeping. There is no way for us to maintain covenant life together without this sort of understanding being woven into the fabric of our community.

THE TEXT

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us” (1 John 1:8-10)

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

If we decide to lie to ourselves, then obviously the truth is not in us (v. 8). One of the lies we like to tell ourselves is the lie that our current condition is “normal,” and that we have no sin. Or at least we have no sin to speak of. John tells us that this is self-deception, period. And if we lie in this way, we are making God into a liar (because He says we have sinned), and His word is obviously not in us—a lie is (v. 10). The meat of this sandwich is in verse 9, but these two pieces of bread make it a sandwich. Don’t kid yourself, John is saying—we all need to hear this. In the ninth verse, John gives us a conditional statement. If we confess our sins, God will do something. The word for confess is homologeo, and literally means “to speak the same thing.” If we say the same thing about our sin that God says about it (i.e. that it is sin), then God will do what He promises. What is that? God will be faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and He will cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

TWO HOUSES

Imagine two mothers with a robust family—six kids each, let’s say. One home is bombed all the time and the other is spotless. The difference between the two homes is not that in the second home nothing is ever spilled, or knocked over, or left on the coffee table. The difference between the home that is trashed and the home that isn’t is the difference between leaving things there “for the present,” and picking them up right away.

Given God’s promise above, we need to recognize what this means. The promise is good on Monday mornings, and Thursday afternoons. The promise is good in May, and good in October. That means there is never a legitimate reason for refusing to deal with it now. The vacuum cleaner is never broken, never at the shop, never too far away, never too hard to operate. The word is near you, in your heart and in your mouth. “God, what I just said . . . that was sin.” That is confession. And God’s promise is fulfilled at that moment.

TANGLEFOOT

The writer to the Hebrews describes what sin does when you leave it unattended. It starts to trip you up—it starts to really get in the way. “Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us . . .” (Heb. 12:1). Sin clutters, sin gets in the way, sin weighs you down, sin gets tangled around your feet. Set it aside we are told, and then run the race. You can’t run the race with a two-hundred-pound backpack on. You cannot run the race with snarls of rope tangled around your feet. Stop trying to be good with unconfessed sin in your life. It just makes you more irritable than you already are. John tells us how to get untangled. Don’t try to do that and run at the same time. Get completely untangled, take off the backpack, and then run.

CLUTTER AND BACKLOG

Let’s change the image. Suppose you haven’t cleaned the garage for twenty years, and you are overwhelmed at the very thought of trying to straighten it out. Every time you go open the door, you just stare helplessly for about five minutes, and then go back inside. All you can think of to do is pray for a fire. Now suppose that is what your pile of unconfessed sin looks like. You are tempted to think that you have to remember everything that is in there first, and then set about cleaning it up.

But you don’t have to remember the sins you don’t remember—just confess the ones you do remember. The ones you stuffed just inside the garage door just last week. Don’t try to remember what is at the bottom of the pile; just look at what is on the top of the pile. If you deal with the sin you know about honestly, then God will cleanse you from all unrighteousness. The confessing is your job; the cleansing is His.

HONESTY

The central virtue here that of honesty. No blowing smoke at God. No spin control. No attempts to make yourself the flawed hero in this tragic affair. We saw that homologeo means to speak the same. If God calls it adultery, don’t you call it an affair or indiscretion. If God calls it grumbling and complaining, don’t you call it realism. If God calls it theft, don’t you call it shrewd business practice. As the Puritans might have put it, had they only thought of it, bs and honest confession accord not well together.

A FEW PRACTICAL CONSIDERATIONS

This is not meant to sound flippant. Sin is a ravening wolf, and has destroyed many things. If you have held back from confessing your sins because you know that to do so could threaten your marriage, or cost you your job, or get you expelled from college, you really do have a significant practical problem. I am not saying you should charge off and start confessing your sin like a loose cannon on deck. But you should decide today to deal with it honestly, and depending on how tangled up it is, get counsel and help today in putting things right. Commit yourself now. Busting yourself is the best thing you can do to rebuild trust with those you may have wronged.

And last, allow me to consider your feelings. You may feel like a hesitant cliff-diver, toes curled over the edge, and here I am poking you in the back with a stick. There are any number of things you might want to do—anything but jump. You might rationalize. “What I did wasn’t really wrong.” You might excuse. “What I did was not started by me.” You might postpone. “In my honest opinion, the best day for jumping will be sometime tomorrow afternoon.” You might blame somebody else, anybody else. “I think they should be here jumping, not me.” You might use vague terms to try jumping sideways along the cliff edge. “I think that, generally speaking, I have certainly sinned in some ways.”

It is easy to dismiss this kind of emphasis as morbid introspectionism, but actually it is the opposite. If you confess your sins, and lay aside the weight of that backpack, you never have to think about it again. Now, with it unconfessed, you think about it frequently.

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Covenant Life Together #1

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INTRODUCTION

One of the things that happens when you move into Reformed or Presbyterian settings is that you start hearing the word covenant a lot. I had a friend who once accused us of talking about covenant peanut butter and covenant jelly. He wasn’t wrong, but then again, neither were we.

THE TEXT

“The meek will he guide in judgment: And the meek will he teach his way. All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth unto such as keep his covenant and his testimonies . . . The secret of the Lord is with them that fear him; And he will shew them his covenant” (Psalm 25:9-10, 14).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The Scriptures are covenantal from front to back. The Old Testament is actually the Old Covenant, and the New Testament is the New Covenant. God made a covenant with Adam in the Garden, but Adam transgressed that covenant of life (Hos. 6:7). God made a covenant with mankind, promising not to inundate the world again (Gen. 9:8). God made a covenant with Abraham (Gen. 17:9), and we are gathered here this morning because the covenant-keeping God continues with His faithfulness (Rom. 4:13). And marriage is described as a covenant (Mal. 2:14; Prov. 2:17), not a mere contract. In short, our lives together in this community are a tight weave of covenantal bonds.

It is our responsibility to understand what this means. But if we must learn to judge rightly, it must begin with meekness (Ps. 25:9). If we are meek—teachable, humble, receptive—then God will teach us His way (v. 9). For those who learn what He is teaching, and who keep His covenant and testimonies, all His ways are mercy and truth (v. 10). This shows us that what we learn dictates the way it goes with us in the way as we walk there. We learn mercy and truth, and the Lord shows us mercy and truth as we walk in that way. A few verses later, we are told that the secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him, which adds another component (v. 14). We are to fear God, walk before Him in meekness, and He will surround us with mercy and truth. And He will show us His covenant.

COVENANT BONDS

A covenant is bigger than the sum of its parts. A covenant is stronger than the mere agreement that caused the parties at the first to enter into it. The covenant over-arches everything, and exists in its own right. Your families are held together by covenant. This congregation is a covenant community. We are in covenant with all the saints all over the world, and every week we partake of the cup of the new covenant.

I said earlier that a covenant is not a “mere contract.” The signatories to a contract could together decide that neither of them wanted to be under contract anymore, and this means they could shake hands and be done with it. Smith didn’t have to deliver the widgets any more, and Jones didn’t have to pay for them. This is because the parties to a contract (mutually) have authority over it. But this is not true of a covenant. A landlord and a renter could mutually agree to tear up a lease, and nobody did anything wrong. However a man and woman could not decide that neither of them wanted to be married any more, and just walk away. A covenant has objective existence outside the current wishes of the parties.

The covenant of grace is like the peace of God—it passes understanding (Phil. 4:7). Also like the peace of God, it serves as a shield. Certain evil darts simply cannot get near you.

MULTITUDE OF SINS

Now one of the things we have commented on frequently is the fact our church community is enjoying extraordinary growth. We are grateful to God for it, and yet one of the first things we should reflect on and anticipate is the likelihood of increased friction and difficulty. Why would the devil want to leave us alone? “Now in those days, when the number of the disciples was multiplying, there arose a complaint against the Hebrews by the Hellenists, because their widows were neglected in the daily distribution” (Acts 6:1, NKJV).

A multitude of people means a multitude of sins. And why is God bringing us a multitude of sins? So that our love might have something to cover.

“Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins” (James 5:20).

“And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8).

“Hatred stirreth up strifes: But love covereth all sins” (Prov. 10:12).

Love “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).

FERVENT CHARITY AMONG YOURSELVES

This is Peter’s express instruction to us. Forbearance is characteristic of koinonia fellowship, and it grows out of fervent love, it flourishes because of fervent charity.

When a new member comes into fellowship with us, he is looking out over a sizeable lake of sins and foibles. Not only so, but he is bringing some new ones in. The next new member to come in after him will be looking out over a sizeable lake of sins and foibles, but one that is a little bigger now.

This is not an arrangement where we all come together once a week, with the implicit agreement that we will all pretend that nobody has ever struggled with anything. Not at all. That is not what church is supposed to be. The covenant community is not a place where nobody sins. Neither is it a place where everybody has acquiesced in their sin, surrendering to it.

THE CHRIST OF THE COVENANT

I said earlier that a covenant has objective reality outside the will of the parties to it. It would be more accurate to say that this objective reality is one of the parties to it—Christ is Lord of the covenant. He is the Head of the church, the new covenant community, but He is also involved in all our lesser covenants, such as marriage.

The reason we are able to love one another fervently, covering a multitude of sins, is because Christ is here.

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Friendship and Accountability

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The last several years Christ Church has tried an experiment in grace and has not charged for the Grace Agenda conference. In keeping with this spirit of grace, they are accepting free will donations at https://www.graceagenda.com/donate.

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