Family Archives - Page 13 of 16

Mechanics of Fatherhood (Father Hunger 8)

Joe Harby on May 6, 2012

Introduction

In this series, we have been emphasizing the gospel of free forgiveness, and we have also noted that God is the kind of Father we want to become. This means that perfect love casts out fear—we are liberated by the blood of Christ to a life of imitation. Always remember that being precedes doing, and that what we are called to believe (really believe) is the foundation of what we are called to do. A Christian pulpit must always proclaim Jesus, but also always remember that Jesus has hands and feet. Not only that, but they are pierced hands and feet, sacrificial hands and feet. We are called to imitate Him. In that spirit then, as we come now to the conclusion . . .

The Texts

“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).

“Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Col. 3:21).

Summary of the Text

Putting these two texts together, we see two basic realities. The first is that fathers are called to not provoke their children to anger because that would result in the children being discouraged in their Christian walk. Christian fathers can have that effect. The second is that fathers are to provide a life of nurture and admonition, which consists of a full and robust Christian upbringing.

Twenty-One Words for Fathers

As we consider 21 principles for fathers to remember, you will see that we have touched on some of them already. But here they all are in one place. These are the mechanics of fatherhood . . .

Love Jesus Christ, and express that love by worshiping His Father in the power of the Spirit, and do this as a gathered family on the Lord’s Day. Worship is a big deal. God honors those who honor Him (1 Sam. 2:30).
Love your children by loving their mother. Love their mother by loving her children. This is the central way the gospel will be proclaimed in your home (Eph. 5:25).
Teach them to love the standard, which is not the same thing as merely requiring them to conform to the standard (for a time). This is a function of heart loyalty (Prov. 23:26), and you teach them to love the standard (and to be loyal to you) by loving the standard yourself (and being loyal to them).
Your garden of yes should have a tree of no in it, and not the other way around (Gen. 2:16). God is not a skinflint, and you should not paint Him as being one. In Christ, all the promises are yes and amen (2 Cor. 1:20). Resemble the God you serve.
Give them the Torah, not the Talmud (Matt. 22:40). The law of God is simple to understand, and can be easily summarized. If your house rules are convoluted and Byzantine, then you have a problem. I well remember my father’s summary of what was expected of us—“no disobedience, no lying, and no disrespecting your mother.” See? Life is good.
Acknowledge your children all need to be converted (Eph. 2:3), but do not do this with unequal weights and measures. If you apply impossible standards to your children, you are causing them to stumble. Beware of millstones as you bring them to Christ (Matt. 18:6).
Listen to them. They are people. It is possible to converse with them (Prov. 18:13).
Their food, shelter, and clothing take precedence over your toys (Ex. 21:10).
Remember their frame (Ps. 103:14). Don’t skip naps, keep them up until 11:30, withhold a real dinner, and then paddle them for falling apart. Someone should paddle you for pulling them apart.
Eat together and not just as refueling measure. This is how families become companions. The liberality that results in table fellowship is a big deal in Scripture (Prov. 11:25), so why withhold it from your family? If half your meals are eaten over the sink, then take stock of your situation.
Respect your sons and love your daughters (Eph. 5: 33, 25). They are different, and those differences should be honored. This obviously does not mean you don’t have to love your sons or respect your daughters, but it does tell you which way to lean.
Tell stories together. Listen to stories together. The gospel is a story (1 Cor. 15:3ff), and we come to know one another truly as we come to know the genre. By telling stories you come to realize that you are in one.
Provide your children with a Christian education (Eph. 6:4). And it must be a true education, filled with life and laughter. The classroom is not a cauldron (Dt. 14:21).
You should want a home full of Scripture, a home full of joy, a home full of music (Eph. 5:19; Col. 3:16). Godly child-rearing is Spirit-filled, and it cannot be Spirit-filled without becoming a musical.
Give your children quantity time, and don’t try to sub in the guilt salve of so-called “quality time” (Dt. 6:4-9).
Discipline should be a gift, not a grabbing. If you are retaliating against your children, then the whole thing isself-serving (Gal. 6:1).
Discipline should be judicious, and not an occasion for you to jump to conclusions (Prov. 18:17). Sometimes kids can invite the injustice, and they bear the weight of it if they do, but fathers should fight to maintain justice in the home. Playing favorites with your children, incidentally, invites such injustice.
The pain of discipline should be acute, not chronic. The Bible says that discipline should be painful (Heb. 12:11), but not the pain of a dull ache week after week. Heartache is not discipline.
The point of discipline is restored fellowship (Heb. 12:11), not retribution. There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Discipline is correction, and can cease when correction is accomplished. You don’t make all your children spend the same amount of time in the tub for the sake of “equality.”
Divided discipline is dangerous. Father and mother are in this together. Scripture requires them to be honored together (Ex. 20:12), and so they should work together. Don’t allow your children to apply the tactic of “divide and conquer.”
Prepare them for independence (Gen. 2:24). Do not make the mistake of indulging sin when it is little and cute, and then trying to crack down on it later, when things start to look more serious.

And again, remember that Jesus is always the point.

Honoring Fathers (Father Hunger 7)

Joe Harby on April 29, 2012

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Introduction

Human flourishing depends in large measure on the faithfulness and happiness of families, and this depends, in its turn, on the honor rendered to the parents by the children. This is, the apostle Paul tells us, the first commandment with a promise. The promise originally applied to the land of Canaan, as it was spoken here at Sinai. The apostle Paul speaks the same words from the heavenly Mt. Zion, and he says that the words of promise apply to the entire earth—whether Ephesus, or New York, or Beijing. So what does it mean?

The Texts

“Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee” (Ex. 20:12).

“Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth” (Eph. 6:2-3).

Summary of the Texts

The Ten Words given at Mt. Sinai are God’s summary of His entire law, just as the two greatest commandments (love God and love your neighbor) are a summary. The Ten Word summarize the whole, and the Two Words summarize the ten.

Honor must be shown, and it must be shown to both father and mother (Ex. 20:12). The reason that is given is so that those who show this honor might have a long life in the land that God was giving them (v. 12). This was spoken to Jewish children at Mt. Sinai. Centuries later, the apostle repeats the command, only this time to Gentile children in Ephesus (Eph. 6:2). He points out that the command is the first one with a promise (v. 2), and he reiterates the promise—extending it to the whole earth. We are no longer limited to the land of Canaan, but this promise now applies to any place where Christians might live.

A Brief Word to Mothers

There are two things that need to be said as an aside to mothers. First, you may have noticed that the text this morning is just as insistent upon the honoring of mothers as it is of fathers. So why this long series on father hunger? The answer has to do with how men and women sin differently, about which more in a minute. It is not that mothers are unimportant, or that a series of messages for them would be out of place. A doctor might talk to you for a long time about the importance of Vitamin D, and you should not conclude from this talk that he hates Vitamin E. We can’t talk about everything all the time, and in our generation, in this moment, we need a particular focus on fathers, a particular word to fathers.

But while we are here, the second thing is that women can’t compensate for father hunger by being more motherly. Women are gravity, and men are centrifugal force. Women cluster, and men escape. Women overcommit and men under commit. Women are soft and men are hard. This is why we don’t have a comparable phenomenon like “mother hunger.”We have mother troubles—frequently—but it is a different ball game. If men under engage and women over engage, they can both key off the sins of the other sex, which then makes them double down in their own problems.

Tangible Honor

As we consider this, always remember that honor must start in the heart, but if it ends there, it isn’t honor. Honor must be expressed through words, symbols, actions, or gestures. Honor is among the most incarnational of the virtues. It must have feet and hands.

Teaching the Showing of Honor

A father can teach and lead his children in how to show him honor, and the first thing to recognize is that this must be done because he seeks the blessing for his children that this command promises. He doesn’t need the honor himself, he is not being an honor-hound. He is seeking the blessing of having the kind of children who show honor, along with the subsequent blessings that come from that. If the father is being a needy bucket, and he demands honor in order to fill up his internal ache, then he will suffocate his children with intolerable demands. There is a kind of seeking honor that is destructive (John 5:44).

The first rule of teaching something is that you must demonstrate that you know how to do it yourself. You teach your children to honor you by showing them how you honor their grandparents. If your parents are alive, show them in real time. If your parents are deceased, then honor them in the telling of stories. All of you fathers have fathers. Model what you would like your children to grow up into.

Showing Honor

Small children show honor through cheerful obedience (Eph. 6:1-4). Not only must children obey, but they must do so “as unto the Lord.”This means that obedience must be quick, it must be heart-felt, it must be cheerful, it must be immediate. How would you respond if Jesus Himself asked you to do whatever it is? You might be tempted to say that Jesus would never ask you to stay inside on a Saturday morning to clean your bedroom . . . oh, but He did.

The duty of obedience passes as children grow, but the duty of honor never does. The Lord Jesus teaches us that grown children with financial resources have a duty to honor their parents that way (Mark 7:10-13).

Honor Knits Generations Together

We are disciples of Jesus in the first instance. He tells us that we have to hate father and mother (Luke 14:26), and the account in Matthew explains this as not loving father or mother more than we love Jesus Christ (Matt. 10:37). If we love Jesus Christ above all things, then we are in fellowship with the source of all the love in the universe. If we refuse to do so, then it doesn’t matter what we make into our idol, we are not in fellowship with the source of all love. And if we are not in fellowship with that love, then even if you idolize your father, he will be get less honor, respect, and love than if he were number two.

So we are called to Christian honor, honor rendered as part of our discipleship. This is not honor rendered blindly in a tribal, patriarchal way. As intelligent honor, it is used by God to knit each generation to the next one.

Repentance and Fatherhood (Father Hunger 6)

Joe Harby on April 22, 2012

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Introduction

The word repentance means a “change of mind,” but in the biblical vocabulary this entails much more than mere intellectual assent to a different proposition than was held to before. If sincere, it represents an entire turning, and it includes what we would call the heart.

The Text

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse” (Mal. 4:5-6).

Summary of the Text

We know on the authority of the Lord Jesus that this passage is talking about His ministry. We know this because Jesus identified “Elijah the prophet” in this text with the ministry of John the Baptist (Matt. 11:14). Before the great day of the Lord, Elijah will come and in his ministry of repentance (turning the people back to God), he will also have the effect of turning people back to one another—particularly the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to the fathers.

In this chapter of Malachi, the day is coming when the wicked will be consumed like dry grass in an oven (v. 1). But for those who fear God, the Sun of righteousness will arise, and there will be healing in His wings (v. 2). The result will be that the godly will tread down the wicked (v. 3). The godly (members of the new covenant, remember) are charged to remember the law of Moses, given at Horeb for all Israel (v. 4). Elijah is coming before this great day (v. 5), and he will be the basis of reconciliation between fathers and their children, and children and their fathers (v. 6).

A Turned Heart, A Given Heart

In Proverbs 23:26, Solomon pleads with his son. He says, “My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways.” In our text, the reconciliation is described as a turning of hearts, and here we have the giving of the heart. The parallelism in this proverb shows us that the giving of the heart involves imitation (willingness to observe the father’s ways). Fighting the natural impulse of imitation is what drives estrangement, and surrendering that fight is what constitutes the reconciliation.

When a father asks for this—“give me your heart”—what is he pleading for? He is asking his children to imitate him. This is what children do naturally (Eph. 5:1; cf. 1 Cor. 4:16; 1 Cor. 11:1), unless that natural impulse has been continuously insulted. If a father says, “Give me your heart,” what will he say if the question comes back, “Why?”

Two Kinds of Authority

There are two kinds of authority that a father may have. He always has at least one of them, simply by virtue of being the father, but he may or may not have the other. Think of it in this way.

There is the authority of having a checkbook and checking account. You own it. Your name is in the upper left hand corner. You are the authorized signatory on the account. You have the full authority to write checks from that account. No one questions it. That is one kind of authority. The second kind of authority is what comes from having a good bit of money in that same account. Applying our illustration, the former authority is simply positional authority. The second kind of authority is what we call a moral authority. The former argues, “I am your father.”The latter simply knows, “I am your father.”

Too many fathers want to be able to write checks simply because they own the checkbook, and not because they have made any deposits in it.

What They Need Protection From

We have already learned that a man’s basic marching orders call him to provide and to protect (Gen. 2:15). Since we are imitating God the Father, we should see that before providing “the bacon,” a man must first provide himself. And because we are living in the kind of world where protection is needed, a man’s first impulse to protect should be informed by the realization that he is the first one his family might need protection from. Eve certainly needed protection from the serpent, but prior to that, she needed protection from her abdicating protector.

Remember that when St. George fails to fight the dragon, in that instance, St. George has become the dragon.

Children Included

When this work is accomplished, we see that the healing is done on both sides of the divide. Fathers who have been harsh, distant, demanding, or abdicating are given a heart of repentance, and they turn (with that heart of repentance) back to their children. But if the children have been provoked to anger (Eph. 6:4), if the children have been embittered because their father had not been mindful of their frame (Ps. 103:13-14), the Spirit of God moves in them, and they are able to lay that bitterness down. They are able to forgive. If someone has wronged you, being bitter about it is simply saving a souvenir from that special occasion. But if you hated the play, then why would you save the ticket stubs for your scrapbook?

Healing in His Wings

The call to repentance is the entryway into grace. We are called to surrender our pride, and to come into His grace, in which we are invited to stand (Rom. 5:2).

Returning to the point of the text, we assume that the fathers and the children in it are not where they ought to have been. When the healing of God comes, it is healing where there was sickness. There is restoration where there was ruin. There is reconciliation where there was estrangement. This is what the gospel does. This is why Jesus came.

This is why it is no good despairing—it is entirely beside the point to say that it is “too late for you.” If the preacher declares that Jesus came for those who are all messed up, is it a refutation to say that this cannot mean you—because you are all messed up? Jesus came for those who are sick, not for those who are healthy. He came for the sinners, not for the righteous (Mark 2:17). Don’t argue that this can’t mean you, for you are sick and sinful.

We preach a message of reconciliation (2 Cor. 5:18). And if we are reconciled to God (Rom. 5:1), then it follows that other kinds of reconciliation will fall into place (1 John 1:7).

Good News for the Fatherless (Father Hunger 5)

Joe Harby on April 15, 2012

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The Text

“I write not these things to shame you, but as my beloved sons I warn you.¹⁵For though ye have ten thousand instructers in Christ, yet have ye not many fathers: for in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel.¹⁶Wherefore I beseech you, be ye followers of me.¹⁷For this cause have I sent unto you Timotheus, who is my beloved son, and faithful in the Lord, who shall bring you into remembrance of my ways which be in Christ, as I teach every where in every church.” (1 Cor. 4:14-17)

Midlife Crisising Around the Drum Circle

We want to be careful about not focusing on fatherhood in such a way that we turn this into a gimmicky sort of thing. God gave us masculinity in order to teach us a deeper truth about what he is like. But if you take just physical machismo in the raw and act like this kind of manliness is some great virtue all on its own, then you will find yourself not getting the point. Guys like this are always hollow, they have a form of masculinity, but they miss the heart of the matter. And movements that want to reclaim masculinity or the office of father get distracted by the trappings and the gimmicks and miss the real thing. Masculine renewal movements regularly veer off into farcical displays of machismo, calling it masculinity. What starts as a good idea, addressing a real need, ends up as a bunch of men midlife-crisising in a drum circle around a fire in the woods. We should beware of teaching that merely exalts the trappings of masculinity or an understanding of fatherhood that is not deeply rooted in a biblical understanding of fatherhood.

Fathers Not Instructors

Paul makes an important distinction in this passage, which helps to see the difference between the trappings of masculinity and the heart of the matter. Instructors are a dime a dozen. Everyone has a new method or system, especially when it comes to parenting. But because this kind of thing is most on display, we often mistakenly put the highest priority on this. The teachers at Logos can do this for you. They are good at logistics. But they are instructors, not fathers, to your children. But Paul says that you need a father.

Good News for the Fatherless

Paul begins his comments here with the observation that the Corinthian Christians do not have very many fathers. His words apply to us as well. We have not had many fathers. But Paul’s exhortation is good news for the fatherless, because no matter what your situation, no matter what your story is, you have a perfect father, since you have a Heavenly Father that has begotten you. His begetting is his act of adoption (Rom. 8:15, Eph. 1:5).

A Progressive Work

But just because we have been adopted, does not mean that we have been perfected and the story is over. As any family that has adopted knows, this is just the beginning of a long and bumpy road. Particularly, if your story includes growing up with a father who failed in significant ways, a father who didn’t know the Lord at all, who gave you no example of what a Christian man looked like. Minimizing the impact of fatherlessness in your own life will only impede your own ability to deal with the damage.

On the other hand those who have had the blessing of being raised in a very godly family have another danger to look out for. A solid family, particularly a solid family in a world of messed up families, will raise children with deep loyalty to their parents and the family culture that they came from. But no family is perfect. We all miss it as some point. A man who had a terrible childhood is under no delusion about the need to correct where his parents went wrong. But a man who had a fantastic childhood has a much harder time bringing himself to correct where his parents missed something.

Imitating God the Father

We must constantly look to God the Father to get a clear picture in our mind of what a real father is like.

He pursues: One of the hardest things about coming to the understanding of the doctrines of grace that were articulated during the Reformation is the realization that when you were saved you brought nothing to the deal. But that same humbling truth, once it is swallowed, becomes one of the sweetest and most comforting truths. God chose you, pursued you, hunted you down, and saved you, while you were still lost. He loved you when you were an enemy. This demeanor is essential to godly parenting. Your children are yours to pursue, regardless of how you feel about your task at any given moment.
He is constant: God is not a father who turns over an ew leaf once in while and get engaged. He is a constant father. Your children will know you from what you are the nine days of out ten,, not the one out of ten.
He regenerates: Lastly, the Heavenly Father begets. He makes spiritual children. Earthly fathers are called to imitate him in this. Talk about the gospel with your children. Pray with them. Walk them through the confession of sin. God is sovereign over all the physical realm as much as much as the spiritual realm. But why is it we are temped to hyper-calvinism with the spiritual and not with the physical? If they don’t clean their rooms there is hell to pay. But if they don’t deal with their sin, we say, well it is up to God to bring that change about. Be a father.

To the Third and the Fourth vs. to the Thousandth

Take comfort in the fact that, in the end, even in this fallen world, God has established things such that father blessing will outstrip father cursing.

Easter 2012: The Father of all the Living (Father Hunger 4)

Joe Harby on April 8, 2012

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Introduction

The resurrection of Jesus Christ is a glorious sermon that was preached by God the Father. When the Father said that He was well-pleased with the Son at His baptism that declaration was not all the Father had to say. In the resurrection, He now declares the entire truth, holding back nothing. In the gospels, Jesus told the demons to keep their knowledge of who He was to themselves, but now we are told to tell every last creature about it. Why the change? Now that the Father has declared His message fully, we may do so also. Not only may we do so, we must do so.

The Text

“And declared to be the Son of God with power, according to the spirit of holiness, by the resurrection from the dead . . .” (Rom. 1:4).

Summary of the Text

For many Christian apologists, the resurrection is something which needs to be proved. But in the Scriptures, the resurrection is itself a proof. For example, God has proven that Jesus will judge the whole world, and He proven this by raising Him from the dead (Acts 17:31). In our text here, the resurrection is God’s declaration of Christ’s identity—He is declared to be the Son of God by this great event. But this declaration is not a mere datum in theology. The power that raised Jesus from the grave is a power that attends the ongoing declaration of Christ’s person and work. “And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power, which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places” (Eph. 1:19-20). The power at work in the resurrection is not a power or authority that was cordoned off in the first century. Neither is it a power limited to Christ’s grave site. Christ’s life is everlasting and eternal, as is the declaration of that life. This includes the potency of His life in us, and particularly in the ways we echo the great declaration of the Father. We are privileged to declare the gospel in and through everything, but particularly through fatherhood.

Life and Power

The resurrection means that Jesus has life—the kind of life that rose from death. And this means in its turn that this is a potent life. All life is potent, actually, but we take things for granted so easily that it requires a drastic elevation of life from non-life to enable us to see it clearly. God the Father gave life to the Son, such that He would see the travail of His soul and be satisfied (Is. 53:11), and even though He was bruised in death, He would be able to see His seed flourishing (Is. 53:10). Jesus has life and power, but He also models for us how this is to be obtained. Life is given to those who have died, and power is given to those who have died in humility. There is no by-passing the cross in order to obtain the crown more readily. The grave is a place of corruption, but for those who have risen, it may be considered a detox center, now left behind.

Fruitful Intent

So the resurrection shows us what God the Father is up to. The barren woman is the New Jerusalem, the Christian Church, the bride of Christ (Gal. 4:26-27). And we Christians are the children of promise. This is talking about us.

Sing, O barren, thou that didst not bear; Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, thou that didst not travail with child: For more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married wife, saith the Lord. Enlarge the place of thy tent, and let them stretch forth the curtains of thine habitations: Spare not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes; For thou shalt break forth on the right hand and on the left; And thy seed shall inherit the Gentiles, and make the desolate cities to be inhabited” (Is. 54:1-3).

Couple this with the charge that Paul gives to Christian fathers (Eph. 6:4). We are to bring our children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And why? The answer is because we and they are the children of promise.

The Barrenness Bane

Christian men should love fruitfulness. Godly men should honor and glorify their wives. The glory of an apple tree is the fruit of it. The glory of a man is his wife, and an important part of this glory is the grace she has been given—the grace of fruitfulness. A man cannot just “declare” himself a father. If fatherhood is a crown, a woman must be the one to place it there.

A man by himself is barren. A man with another man is barren. A man who pays for abortions is barren. A man who is an eco-freak is barren. A man who impregnates and then leaves (in various ways) is barren. Barren souls, barren minds, barren hearts are all reflections of an anti-gospel. Fruitfulness is a blessing (Gen. 9:1,7; Lev. 26:9; Dt. 28:2-6; Ps. 127; Ps. 128). But this is not an automatic blessing for lazy fathers. A son who sleeps through harvest is an embarrassment to his parents (Prov. 10:5). Having five sons doing that is not an improvement. And so when I said a moment ago that a Christian man should love fruitfulness, it should be noted that this is not the same thing as being opinionated about it.

Just as fatherhood is a gift of grace, so widespread cultural barrenness (instigated and led by rebellious men who ought to be fathers), is a judgment from God. It is not just something for which there will be later judgment, self- inflicted barrenness is itself a judgment on men (Rom. 1:18, 26; Prov. 22:14; Eze. 20:26).

Humble Potency

The call is therefore for Christian fathers who will sacrificially die. This is not because God wants you dead and gone, but rather because God wants you really alive. When we say as Christians (as we often do) that we are to die to ourselves, this is just another way of saying that we are to die to death. And when you die to death, the result in God’s blessing in life.

And when you die, you are not establishing the gospel (as Jesus did when He died). When husbands are told to give up their lives for their wives, this is not a reduplication of that atonement. But it is a sermon preached about that atonement, and not only so, it is a powerful sermon. And so fathers, teach with authority, and not as the scribes.