Family

What Fathers Are For (Father Hunger 2)

Douglas Wilson on March 25, 2012

Introduction

The fact that God is a perfect Father is a two-edged sword, and we must take care that we not emphasize just one of them—lest we damage our souls . . . and our families. God is a perfect Father, and we are fallen creatures. This means that God is a perfect Father as an example, in front of us, and this means that we always fall short. This is one edge. This is why a series of messages on biblical fatherhood could be filled with condemnation. But here is another edge, cutting and piercing, but not like a sword slash in battle. It is more like a surgeon’s scalpel, bringing healing and restoration. God is not only a perfect Father in front of sinners, He is a perfect Father to sinners. He does for us what fathers ought to do. And so it is that we are not consumed.

The Text

“And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it” (Gen. 2:15).

Summary of the Text

This is of course from the creation account. Just prior to this verse, we have a description of the Garden of Eden, and of the two trees that God placed in it (v. 9). We are told about the goodly rivers that came from the one river flowing from Eden (v. 10), and we are also told of the metals and precious stones to be found there (v. 12). Just after our verse, we have the prohibition of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (v. 17), and a description of the creation of the woman (v. 18ff.).

In verse 15, the Lord God took the man, put him in the place prepared for him, and gave him his directions. He was put into the Garden in order to do two things. He was put there to “dress” and to “keep” it. These two verbs describe for us what men are for. The word for dress means to tend, or till, or serve. The word for keep means to watch, keep, protect, preserve. And so Adam was placed in the Garden, and he was told to provide for it, and to protect it. Those marching orders took on a much higher level of significance in the verses that follow, when Eve was created. She was a garden within this garden, and so he was called to provide for her, and to protect her.

The command that is given in verse 17 gives us the sin of commission that Adam was guilty of (Gen. 3:6). But we often overlook the sin of omission that was clearly involved. He was told to provide for his wife, and yet the serpent came to her and provided for her. He was told to protect his wife, and yet he stood by and failed to protect his wife from the serpent. He had been given the prohibition before she was created, and he knew directly from God what he was supposed to do. So be assured of this—when you find yourself doing something you ought not be doing, it is almost always preceded by a neglect of something you ought to have been doing, and yet did not.

Justification and Sanctification

Godly fatherhood (on a day-to-day basis) must absolutely be based on the free grace of God that is offered to us in Christ Jesus. We are justified in Him, which means that when God looks at you, considering whether to deal with you at all, what He sees is the absolute perfection of Jesus Christ. In the free justification that God offers (because of the cross), what kind of father are you? You are a perfect father, because Christ was and is perfect, and His perfection has been imputed to you. This sets you free from the curse of condemnation (Rom. 8:1), and it means that you can set about the work of being a father to your children without fear or guilt. The things you will apply as you and your wife give yourselves to the work of being Christian parents belongs entirely to the realm of sanctification. In being a father, you are not trying to earn anything from God (for all has already been given). You are rather trying to give something to your children, in free imitation of the free gift that has been given to you.

Never forget the gospel in this. You are not a bramble bush trying to grow an apple so that you might be turned into an apple tree as a reward. You are not a coyote going baa baa in order to turn into a sheep.

Provision

All that said, your natural instinct with your children should be yes. Not the yes of a push-over, or the yes of a fearful and craven doormat, but the yes of a father. And when you say no (think ahead to the second category of protection), you are doing it because the yes involved is as plain as anything to you, and is still invisible to your children. All they can see is no, but you should know better. You say no to candy before dinner because you want to say yes with the dinner. You say no to lazing around on the couch because you want to say yes to the productivity of a lifelong work ethic. In this realm, motive is everything.

Fathers who say no simply because they can are being diabolical fathers. What do demons do? They say no just because (1 Tim. 4:3).

A man who does not provide for his household is involved in denying the faith, and is worse than an infidel (1 Tim. 5:8).

Protection

We must not allow ourselves a false and pristine view of the nature of the unfallen world. The first bloodshed was before the fall, when God took a rib from the side of Adam (Gen. 2:21). The sleep that Adam was put into was a type of death, before the fall. Death and resurrection patterns are more violent now (John 19:34), but they nonetheless existed before the fall. And God required an unfallen man to protect an unfallen woman from an enemy, and He required this before either of them had sinned. They sinned because they did not treat that enemy as an enemy. So fighting did not bring in sin. A lack of fighting brought in sin. Had war broken out in the Garden, it would still have been a perfect world. It would have remained a perfect world.

Fathers, what does a protector do? What does a watchman on a tower do? What does a security guard by the doorway do? He looks for enemies. He is suspicious. He is suspicious on behalf of his teenaged daughters (who are as a class not suspicious), and he should do this with a fierce loyalty. When a daughter says that “some boy” is “so nice,” a father’s eyes should narrow. But your model for security should be that of a fierce Levite with a spear guarding the sanctuary, and not a TSA agent full of hassles for everybody. Again, why are you saying no?

Fatherhood and Pleasure (Father Hunger 1)

Douglas Wilson on March 18, 2012

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Introduction

Our world is filled with fathers because it is a world created by God the Father. Fatherhood lies at the center of all things, and because the Father created the world, the world has to reflect that reality. But because it is a world that has—because of the disobedience of our first father—fallen into sin and rebellion, it is also a world that is filled with false information about fatherhood. We have a Father of all good things, but there is also a father of lies out there (John 8:44). This means that we must start our study of what fathers should be with a corrective. What is sinless fatherhood like?

The Text

“And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him: And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased . . .” (Matt. 3:16-17).

Summary of the Text

The facts in this episode are well known. Jesus came to John the Baptist to be baptized by him—a baptism of repentance. John protests, but Jesus insists, identifying with the sins of His people from the very beginning of His ministry. As He was coming out of the water, the heavens opened up to Him, and He saw the Spirit of God in the form of a dove, descending until it rested upon Him. Then a voice from Heaven spoke concerning His Son. In these two brief verses, we are given a glorious vision of what fatherhood in its essence is actually like, and so let us begin there. In the first place, when Jesus was baptized, beginning His earthly ministry, His Father was there. His Father was present, not absent. The second point to make is that the Father made His presence felt by sending His Spirit. He was not present and detached, but rather present and engaged. In the third place, He made His presence known by speaking. The Father revealed His mind with propositional content. The rest of what we might glean is taken from what He said. Fourth, He identified with His Son. He said, “This is my Son.”This is a verbal affirmation that goes alongside the giving of the Spirit. He identifies with His Son, and claims the relationship. Fifth, He expressed His love for His Son. “This is my beloved Son.” And then the last thing we learn is that God the Father was well-pleased with His Son. He praised His Son.

Archetypical Fatherhood

In all of human history, there is no other event we might consider that will teach us more about what fatherhood ought to be like than this one. This is the heart of fatherhood. This describes it. This is therefore the pattern, this is the template. A human father is more like what a true father ought to be the more he lines up with this. The more he veers from it, the less so.

The divine Father speaks here for the first time in the New Testament. First words are important.

Consider the Opposite

Suppose a father (for some reason) wanted to act out the role of an anti-father? How would that look? · He would be absent, not present. He would be gone.

· If he had to be present, he would be emotionally absent. His presence would not be engaged.
· If he had to be present, he would remain silent. He wouldn’t say anything.
· If silent, he would therefore not then identify himself as being “with” his son or daughter. · If silent, he would therefore not express love for his son or daughter.
· If silent, he would therefore not praise or honor his son or daughter.

Anti-Fathers?

But a man acting this way would be a lying father, not an anti-father. This is because he still holds the office of father, but his discharge of that office is contrary to the job description for it that God provided for us in His Word. And it is this kind of disparity that provokes children to anger (Eph. 6:4). All fathers are talking about God the Father all the time. They do not have the option of remaining silent. God the Father has told the truth about Himself—He does this throughout all creation in natural revelation, and throughout all the Scriptures in special revelation, but particularly here, in the baptism of Jesus. Here is fatherhood.

As His Children

The Ephesians (together with us) are told to be imitators of God, as dearly loved children (Eph. 5:1). Notice that He is doing the same sort of thing with us that He did with the Lord Jesus. The Father was there; He was present (Eph. 1:3). The Spirit had been given to them (Eph. 1:2; 2:18). The mystery of God’s will in the gospel was now made known (Eph. 1:9). The fact of our adoption was declared; we are His children (Eph. 1:5). We are called His beloved children (Eph. 5:1). And He tells us that we can walk in a way that is worthy of our calling; He can be pleased with it (Eph. 4:1).

So Then, Fathers . . .

So then, fathers, you have a Father who has told you to imitate Him (Eph. 5:1). On the way home from church today, you all may be driving along in silence. Suddenly a voice comes from the back seat,
“Dad, don’t apply the sermon in any ways that make us all feel awkward.” And you know what you should say? “I’m gonna.” If you have drifted away from this biblical pattern, there is no way to recover your footing without some kind of ice-breaking weirdness. So go for it.

Let’s keep this simple.

· Be there. Unless providentially hindered, make your physical presence with your kids a high
priority. Be there for dinner; be there for school plays; be there for recitals.
· Be engaged while there. Pay emotional attention. Don’t go to the kindergarten graduation so you
can check your email on the phone.
· Say something about it. Talk about it. Register your presence verbally.
· Identify with your son or daughter every chance you get. “This is my son. “This is my daughter.” Everybody in your life should know who goes with you.
· Express your love for them to them. Do not assume that such things go without saying. If ever they could have gone without saying, it would have been at the baptism of the Son of God. And His Father still expressed His love.
· Praise them. Have the praise come from your pleasure in this, and not because somebody guilted
you with a sermon.

The Treasuries of Grace (Eph. 6)

Douglas Wilson on March 11, 2012

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Introduction

Paul concludes this epistle asking for prayer, a request that he would be as bold as he ought to be. He is not, after decades of ministry, wresting with stage fright, or a bad case of butterflies. He knows what happens to him whenever the gospel is declared with power.

The Text

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord . . .” (Eph. 6:1-24)

Summary of the Text

Children are told to obey their parents. This is the right thing to do (v. 1). Paul then cites the commandment to honor father and mother, and adds the point that this is the first commandment with a promise attached (v. 2). He picks up the promise and expands it to encompass the whole earth (v. 3). Fathers, for their part, are told not to exasperate their kids, but to provide them with a Christian education and upbringing (v. 4).

Slaves are told to obey their earthly masters with fear and trembling, as rendered to Christ (v. 5). They are told not to work for show, but rather with whole-hearted service to Christ (v. 6). The service they offer is for the Lord, not for men (v. 7). They should know that however any man works, free or slave, is reckoned up by the Lord (v. 8). Masters are to have the same mentality. They should not threaten, and they must remember that they have a Master in heaven, one who is not impressed by earthly status (v. 9).

Paul then tells his brothers to be strong in the Lord, in the power of His might (v. 10). They are told to put on the entire armor of God, in order that they might stand against the devil’s wiles (v. 11). Our fight is not primarily an earthly one; we fight against principalities and powers, against the rulers of this world’s darkness, and against wickedness in high places (v. 12). This is why it is important to take up the full armor of God, and to stand in the evil day (v. 13). Stand therefore, with belt of truth and breastplate of righteousness (v. 14). Your feet should be shod with gospel boots (v. 15). These boots are the gospel of peace and they are part of our armor. Take the shield of faith, which extinguishes the fiery darts of the wicked (v. 16). Then take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God (v. 17), and proceed to the battle, which is the battleground of persevering prayer for all the saints (v. 18). Paul requests prayer for himself in this regard, so that he might unlock the treasuries of the gospel (v. 19). He requests that he might be able to speak boldly, as he ought to (v. 20).

Tychicus is then recommended to them (v. 21), and he will tell the Ephesians how Paul is doing (vv. 21-22). He concludes with a benediction—peace to the brothers, and love proceeding from faith, from God the Father and the Lord Jesus (v. 23). Grace to all who love Jesus sincerely (v. 24).

Christian Education

Christian children are to be brought up in an environment or culture that his shaped by the Word of God. They are called to obey their parents in the Lord, which is right. They are told to honor their parents, a commandment from the Old Testament which is given to the Christian children of Ephesus. This passage is one of the best illustrations of how we are apply the Old Testament authoritatively to our lives now.

Exasperating Fathers

When Paul warns Christian fathers to not be exasperating to their children, he does this because this is the one of the faults that Christian fathers are prone to. So listen to him. Before you just brush this admonition off, and say that of course you don’t do this, consider that it is possible that this defensive and self-serving attitude is one of the most exasperating things about you. And remember that your children frequently will not be able to explain this to you. First, because they are little and defenseless, and then later because they moved to the East Coast and never call.

Slaves & Masters

God’s methods for societal overhaul are reformational, not revolutionary. This is one of the places where we must insist on a policy of not apologizing for the Bible. Christian slaves are told to be obedient. They are told to work hard, offering it to Christ. Whatever their earthly masters do, He will honor their labors. Work offered to God is the way to true freedom. This is the biblical way of overthrowing unjust social institutions. Christian masters (assuming then that there were some) are told to internalize the same biblical framework. God does not show partiality, and so they should not govern through threats. This being the case, how much more does it apply to employers and employees.

The Armor of Jesus

The Ephesians were told earlier to put on the new man. Here they are told to put on the full armor of God, which amounts to the same thing. Every piece of the armor is the Lord Jesus. He is the truth (John 14:6). He is our righteousness (Jer. 23:6). He is the gospel of peace (Is. 9:6). He is the faithful one in whom we have faith (Rev. 19:11). He is our salvation, which we may wear as a helmet (1 Thess. 5:9). He is the sword of the Spirit (Rev. 19:15), the Word of God (Rev. 19:13; John 1:1-3).

But when you are fitted out in this armor, what do you do? First, you should take note of the enemy. You are called to stand against wiles (v. 11), and since we are fighting wickedness in high places, you should assume the lies are coming down on you from above. Paul then says, three times, that you should be outfitted so that you may withstand in the evil day (v. 13), and having done all to stand (v. 13). Stand therefore (v. 14). How do you do that? Fitted out, what do you do? You pray for all the saints, and particularly for the proclamation of the gospel (v. 19).

Treasuries of Grace

Paul has already spoken of the mystery of the gospel. It is as though, Jerome observes, that Paul now says that God has declared “let the treasuries be opened.” He is standing by the doors of these treasuries (filled beyond our imagination), and is set to fling them open. But there is a fierce battle by those doors. If they get opened all the way, then the wickedness in the high places is completely undone.

Parenting Young People 2

Douglas Wilson on January 30, 2011

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Introduction

The hardest thing to maintain in this unbalanced world is balance. We react, we pull away, we lurch, and we tumble. We do this in many ways. And, having heard the exhortation that we should teach our children to love the standard and, if they don’t, to lower the standard, what temptation will confront us? The temptation will be to think that laziness and apathy are grace, and that defensiveness when confronted is zeal for the law of God. But loving God with all your mind, soul, heart and strength is a love with balance.

The Text

Summary of the Text

Here are some of the basics of Christian living within the family. We begin with the duty of obedience (v. 1). When children are young and living at home, honor entails obedience, necessarily. When children are grown and out on their own, the duty of honor remains, but it is rendered differently (Mark 7:10-13). This is obedience rendered by children in the Lord (v. 1). The word for obedience could be rendered literally as listen-under—or, as we might put it, listen up. This attentiveness to what parents say is described here by Paul as a form of honor, and he goes on to describe how much of a blessing it will be to the children who learn how to behave in this way (v. 2). This commandment, to honor parents, is the first commandment with a promise. The promise from God Himself is that things will go well for you throughout your long life on the earth (v. 3). And then fathers are presented with an alternative—one thing is prohibited and another is enjoined. Fathers are told not to exasperate their children to the point of wrath or anger (v. 4), and instead are told to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (v. 4). Note that they are not told to provoke their children to wrath with the nurture and admonition of the Lord —one excludes the other.

Stop Experimenting on Children

In construction work, one of the good things about a concrete pour is that, no matter what, a couple hours later, you’re all done. This is also one of the really bad things about it. You don’t want to start out with a long foundation wall and wind up with a patio.

Kids are a concrete pour. The time they will spend in your home goes past a lot faster than you thought it would. Fathers are tasked with the responsibility of bringing them up in the Lord, which means that fathers are tasked with the responsibility of working in harmony with the nature of the child. It is of course debated what that nature is actually like, and so how are parents to deal with this?

Too many Christian parents are like that old joke about the Harvard man. “You can always tell a Harvard man, but you can’t tell him much.” Because we have successfully established the principle that parents have true authority in the home, many foolish parents have concluded that this means that anything they may happen to think about child-rearing, or education, or training, or courtship standards, is therefore automatically blessed of God. But fathers are told not to provoke their children because, in this fallen world, this is a very easy thing to do. This is a very easy thing for Christian fathers to do. If it had not been an easy temptation for Ephesian fathers, Paul could have saved his advice for somebody who really needed it. Paul does not make the mistake of thinking that authority makes folly impossible—he cautions against authoritative folly.

The hallmark of whether or not a father is experimenting on his kids, as opposed to bringing them up in obedience, is how open he is to the idea of someone else actually measuring what he is doing. How open is he to true accountability? “Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding” (2 Cor. 10:12). Note that phrase “without understanding.” How can you tell if parents have undertaken their solemn responsibilities as parents with a demeanor of humble confidence? “Let the righteous smite me; it shall be a kindness: and let him reprove me; it shall be an excellent oil, which shall not break my head” (Ps. 141:5).

A Road and A Way

The Christian faith is a road, sure enough. But it is also a way. This means that how we walk is as important as where we walk. If someone has questions about what you are doing, it does not answer the concern to point at the road. It does not answer to bring out your books and web sites that argue for this particular kind of asphalt. That’s as may be, but there is something else going on.

How do you conjugate the verb firm? Do you say I am firm, you are stubborn, he is pig-headed? If you do this easily, then you have wandered from the way, whatever road you are on.

Another way of measuring this is by whether or not you require obedience of your children for their sake or not. If you don’t require it, that is selfish. If you demand it for your own reasons, that is selfish. If you require it as a gift to them, then you are modeling the same kind of obedience you are asking for.

And God is Our Father

There is no way for any parent to hear these words without conviction. And conviction is good. But always remember there is a hard-riding guilt that is from the enemy of our souls, and not from the Holy Spirit. Remember that as God is teaching us not to provoke others with impossible standards, He models this for us. He is not provoking us with impossible standards either. Our Father in Heaven requires nothing in this that He does not do Himself. He is the Father of all grace. The one thing to remember about this grace is that He—because He is a loving Father—requires us to freely extend what we have freely received (Matt. 10:8; Col. 3:13).

Parenting Young People 1

Douglas Wilson on January 16, 2010

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Introduction

When it comes to parenting, you have often heard me say that our parental responsibility does not consist in getting young people to grit their teeth and conform to the standard. The task before us is to bring up our children in such a way as to love the standard. This is not possible to do with externally driven rules. It is a function of loyalty, and loyalty is based on love and relationship. We should consider what this looks like.

The Texts

“My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: For they shall be a chaplet of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck” (Prov. 1:8-9).

“My son, forget not my law; But let thy heart keep my commandments: For length of days, and years of life, and peace, will they add to thee. Let not kindness and truth forsake thee: Bind them about thy neck; Write them upon the tablet of thy heart: So shalt thou find favor and good understanding in the sight of God and man” (Prov. 3:1-4).

“My son, let them not depart from thine eyes; Keep sound wisdom and discretion: So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck” (Prov. 3:21-22).

“My son, keep the commandment of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: Bind them continually upon thy heart; Tie them about thy neck. When thou walkest, it shall lead thee; When thou sleepest, it shall watch over thee; And when thou awakest, it shall talk with thee” (Prov. 6:20-22).

Summary of the Texts

In the texts quoted, there is a great deal of material—more than I am able to address today. What I would like to do is draw out one basic theme. First, the instruction of your father and the law of your mother should be treated as a garland of grace for the head, and as an ornamental chain around the neck (Prov. 1:9). Second, a young person should take care to bind kindness and truth around his neck, and he does this by not forgetting his father’s law, and by cultivating a heart that keeps his commandments (Prov. 3:3). The result is a blessed life. Third, sound wisdom and discretion is life to the soul, and grace around the neck (Prov. 3: 22). And last, take up the commandments of your father, and do not abandon the law of your mother. Tie them onto your heart, and hang them around your neck. These are not a good luck charm, but Solomon almost speaks of them as though they were. But this is blessing, not luck. This is the triune God of all grace, and not some rabbit’s foot.

Obedience and Glory

Obedience to parents is therefore a young person’s glory. What do you do with what your parents have asked? You do not trudge off reluctantly, muttering to yourself. No, the standard set forth in Scripture is to take what you have been asked to do and hang it around your neck like you would do with an Olympic gold medal that you had just won. If an athlete comes in first in the Olympics, he does not stuff the medal into his gym bag and slouch off halfway through the national anthem, No . . . what do you do with your glory?

A High Standard for All

Now this is the point where many parents are elbowing each other, and praying that their little pill of an adolescent is listening. This is the point where some are doing all they can to refrain from looking down their row to see if somebody is paying attention. But this is not a life of ease for parents, and the glory of raw obedience for teenagers, an obedience that drops mysteriously out of the sky. It does not work this way. Obedience, the kind described here, arises from personal loyalty, and this loyalty arises from love. Where does love come from? As always, God models it for us. What He asks us to do, He shows us how to do. And we love Him because He loved us first (1 John 4:19). And if we want our young people to love us, with grace around the neck, then we must show them how it is worn.

Raise the Standard by Lowering It

If you cannot get the kids to love the standard, then lower the standard. I am not talking about God’s commandments, which you have no authority to lower, but rather addressing the questions that surround your house rules. Lower the standard to the point where everyone in the family can pitch in together. This is not simply “lowering standards,” and “why is a preacher telling us to do that?” It is actually raising the parental standard, which is the real reason we don’t like it. Parents must embrace the task of communicating, in a contagious way, love for the standard.

Now some parents might protest that this is impossible. But what does this example teach the young people in the home? It teaches them that nobody around here has to do “impossible” things, and since the requirement to make your bed, or to comb your hair, or to stop texting so much, are all clearly impossible, then they don’t have to be done. If you want your children to be obedient, then show them how.

Apart from a context of love and loyalty, parental discipline is just clobbering a kid. And since clobbering a kid is not what God said to do, the child is learning the fundamental lesson that in this house, we don’t have to do what God says to do. Instead, we learn to be sneaky enough to not get clobbered.

All Together Now

Each member of the family is supposed to understand that the whole family is a unit. All of you are on the same team. If you have drifted into an adversarial set of roles, then the parents have to do something to stop the game, change the rules, do something that works. Let us suppose the whole family is flunking high school calculus. Wouldn’t it be far better to all go back to sixth grade and pass that grade together?

The standard set in the passages from Proverbs is not an impossible standard. That was not written for angels in Heaven. It was written for us. These things are set before us now.