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Forgiven Families (The Well-Pleased Father #4) (King’s Cross)
Lindsey Gardner on October 29, 2024
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Forgiveness & Your Feelings

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INTRODUCTION

The habit of modern man is to act based on his feelings, instead of action based on fact. The Disney catechism has worked its way deeply into our culture: follow your heart. We are the foolish man, building on the sands of emotion, instead of the rock of the Word. The pile of grievances swept under the cultural rug is getting quite obvious. Yet no one knows how to actually sweep out the grime, because no one feels like humbling themselves.

THE TEXT

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord. And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him (Colossians 3:12-17).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Paul instructs Christians to put on a particular disposition due to their standing as the elect of God (v12, Cf. Rom 13:4, Gal. 3:27); this disposition includes various attributes which are, to the carnal man, like drinking castor oil with a vinegar chaser. The disposition of the saints is to be one of patient mercy & humility (v12). By putting these virtues on, we are equipped to the action of forbearance and forgiveness of the quarrels we may have against another. Forgiveness is not a passive event which happens to you, it is an imperative. It puts a victim of offense as an actor in the restoration. This forgiveness is in imitation of Christ’s great forgiveness of the saints (v13).  Agape is like the jeweled clasp that holds all these virtues in place (v14), while the peace of God rules in our hearts individually and corporately. Our response to it all should be gratitude (v15).
We both put on Christ, and Christ dwells in us. His Word is to dwell in us richly. The fruit of His presence is made evident in  our teaching and admonishing of one another. This is done most poignantly in our biblically founded and faithful praise (v16). All of this should be done with grace in our hearts (v16). The whole  scope of Christian activity is be offered up entirely to God, through Christ, with thankfulness (v17).

THE SHIPWRECK OF TRAUMA-PEDDLERS

In the midst of a culture where apologies have been weaponized, both by faux-victims and by real perpetrators, a great deal of misunderstanding has arisen about what forgiveness is, and how it works. Trauma-peddlers are not interested in the fire of bitterness to be put out by the water of forgiveness. Cruel men are only interested in apologies as a means of preserving the brand. We must reject both approaches.
Scripture gives us a way out of the shipwreck of feelings, and onto the solid ground of truth. If you’ve been wronged, true harm has been done. Whether the harm is physical or verbal, emotional or financial Scripture equips us to handle the harm done to us with, as Paul puts it in our text, the peace of God ruling in our hearts.
Grace is in our hearts and so we sing one to another the songs of God. God’s peace rules our hearts, and so we forgive as He forgave us. Notice in the text that it is by God’s presence within us that enables us to the action of forgiveness. By resting in our justification before God through Christ we are enabled to go about the activity of objective reconciliation. This doesn’t dull our emotional state; rather it is by the Spirit’s governance within us that our emotions are strengthened, sharpened, and sweetened. Elsewhere, Paul instructs that true forgiveness is tied up with tenderheartedness (Eph. 4:32). A new heart, in other words, is absolutely necessary.

TRANSACTIONAL FORGIVENESS

When you’re wronged, Scripture gives a few routes to take. This text in Colossians sets forth one path plainly and implies the second. You can forbear the offense, covering a whole catalogue of sins (Cf. Pro. 10:12). The second path is to pursue the offense straight up the middle, seeking to address the wrong in order to extend forgiveness.
Again, forgiveness is a transaction, not a feeling. This is where many modern grief counselors, like blind guides of the blind, stagger off into the marshlands. Say in a quarrel with a spouse, friend, or coworker you utter a truly cruel insult to them. You’ve done objective harm, so by seeking forgiveness you are identifying the true guilt of your actions, along with the objective harm you did, and then seeking to restore what you harmed. The option for the victim is to either extend forgiveness and receive the restitution, or curl up into hardened shell of resentment.
This transactional aspect of biblical forgiveness removes relational restoration from the fluctuating realm of feelings and excuses and “sweep it under the rug” approaches. Biblical justice requires restitution (Ex. 22:12), ranging from double what was stolen (Ex. 22:7), to a fifth for lesser faults (Num. 5:7) to four-fold (Lk. 19:1-10). Did you gossip about someone? You need to seek their forgiveness as well as seek to restore the good name you tarnished. Did you lie? You need to come clean, then restore the harm done by your falsehood. This doesn’t just factor in material harm, but the harm from time-lost.

I DON’T FEEL LIKE FORGIVING

For the offended party, the last thing you may feel like doing is forgiving. True forgiveness isn’t dependent on the alignment of heavenly bodies, or hormones to balance, or enough time to pass. Put on Christ, and grace rules in you.
You get the forgiveness ready, from the heart, because your heart is under the authority of Another. It isn’t under the authority of what your feelings are doing. Furthermore, while extending forgiveness it’s lawful to lay out the clear damages needing restitution.
What is not an option is to say that you just won’t forgive. Jesus gives stern warnings to the unforgiving. You are insisting on receiving infinite kindness from God, and refusing to extend finite kindness to your brother.

AS GOD FORGAVE YOU

Once more, the virtues we are commanded to cultivate are all derivative. You don’t draw up forgiveness juice from the well of your own inward goodness. The well from which your forgiveness springs from is the same well that you have drunk from. The infinite ocean of God’s kindness to you through Christ.
See how God sees you. The Gospel draws open the shades, and allows you see the pristine view of God’s mercy toward you. God calls you elect, chosen. Through no deserving on your part. God calls you holy. God calls you beloved. None of it earned. None of it because you were on your best behavior. All of it freely given by the cross. Lay hold on the cross, and then forgive as God forgave you. Not because you feel like it, but because you have a new heart.

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Confession of Sin & Forgiveness

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INTRODUCTION

One very common problem that Christians have in their Christian lives is the problem of spiritual clutter. Many Christians don’t know what to do with various unresolved sins and problems, and so they do nothing. Over time these problems accumulate, and before long there is a real mess.

You have seen this phenomenon in various places, have you not? It happens in closets, it happens in your junk drawer, it happens in your home’s designated fright room, it happens at the back of your garage, it happens when your garden fills up with weeds, and so on. Why wouldn’t it happen in your spiritual life? It certainly will if you let it.

“Let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us” (Hebrews 12:1).

So one of the first things that Christians should learn is this. They need to learn to deal with the sin . . . of not really dealing with sin. If we are told to lay aside every weight, then it would be a sin not to. If we are told to deal with the sin that “so easily besets” us, then it would be a sin not to.

ON NOT KIDDING YOURSELF

So the first thing to realize is that confession of sin is an ongoing necessity. I described the problem as being one of spiritual clutter, but the thing about clutter is that you get used to it as it accumulates. You begin by thinking that perhaps your life is “a little untidy,” and then move on to excuse the fact that it looks like a bomb went off in your conscience, and by the end of the process your conscience looks and smells like a closet at the crazy cat lady’s house.

So ongoing and regular confession of sin is a necessity for everyone. What must you do if you want a garden filled with weeds? What you need to do is absolutely . . . nothing. Just let it ride.

We know that sin can accumulate in this way because of the way Scripture speaks of it. If we just go on in our own fashion, we will get used to how disheveled we are. But if we look into the looking glass of Scripture, we will there see our true condition. We don’t learn that true condition by means of morbid introspection—we learn our true condition through faithful and submissive Bible reading.

As James puts it:

“But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed” (James 1:25).

No one should ever simply assume that he is “doing fine” simply because the roof hasn’t fallen in yet.

“If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand?” (Psalm 130:3).

Scripture tells us our true condition.

“If they sin against thee, (for there is no man which sinneth not,) and thou be angry with them . . .” (2 Chronicles 6:36; Job 4:18-19)

And the apostle John sums it up.

“If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us . . . If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us” (1 John 1:8, 10).

Suppose someone is learning how to do maintenance on his car, and he is told to change his air filter every 12 to 15,000 miles. Suppose he were to raise the earnest question of whether he still would have to do this if the filter hadn’t gotten dirty. The problem with this young man is that he doesn’t know what kind of a world he is living in.

WHAT TO DO

The way to deal with the effects of such accumulated guilt through sinning is by means of confession.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

This is a glorious promise, so let us take a moment to consider it carefully. In this verse, we are described a certain way, and then we are to do something. In addition, God is described as being a certain way, and then He does something.

We are described as sinful (we cannot confess sins unless we actually have some). So we are described as sinful, and what we are told to do is confess. God is described as being faithful and just, and what He does is forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. We are sinful, and He is righteous. We do the confessing, and He does the cleansing.

So what is it to “to confess”? The Greek word that is rendered here as confess is homologeo, a very interesting compound word. The first part, homo, is the Greek for same. The logeo is a verb that means to speak. Consequently, homologeo means “to speak the same thing,” or putting it another way, to acknowledge.

If Scripture calls it a lie, and you call it mild prevarication, that is not confession. If Scripture calls it adultery, and you call it infatuation, that is not confession. If Scripture calls it theft, and you call it requisitioning, that is not confession. The reason it is not confession is that it is dishonest.

So the central issue in confession of sin is honesty.

“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: But whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

A paraphrase of this therefore would be that people who are dishonest about the way they are living are people who will not flourish, who will not prosper. The alternative is what is promised to the honest—honest confession and honest forsaking results in mercy. This mercy means that God is blessing that man.

THE BLESSING OF FORGIVENESS

“Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man unto whom the Lord imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile” (Psalm 32:1–2).

Forgiven transgression is the blessing of God. To have sin covered is the blessing of God. To not have iniquity imputed to you when it easily could have been imputed to you is the blessing of God.

But not that descriptor—“in whose spirit there is no guile.” Honesty before God is the ticket. And even there, remember that if God were to mark iniquities in our confessions no one could stand.

“My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous: And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world” (1 John 2:1–2).

This is why, at the end of the day, all our sins must be confessed in Jesus’ name.

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Real Forgiveness

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INTRODUCTION

Everyone knows that the Christian faith revolves around the forgiveness of sins. But because there is a gospel logic involved in it that eludes every form of carnal reasoning, we have to be careful to understand what is actually involved. What is real forgiveness?

THE TEXT

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:31–32).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

There are two ways of conducting life together. One of them is the enemy of life together, and the other is the true friend of life together. One drives us apart and the other knits us together.

The first is the way is the way of keeping score, with the intention of winning. It is the way of bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice (v. 31). This all sounds pretty bad, but we have to remember that all these plug-uglies travel under an alias. They call themselves righteousness, and have a deep commitment to being right. This approach makes koinonia community impossible.

The alternative is kindness and tenderheartedness. And the way that kindness and tenderheartedness “live out” is by forgiving one another, and doing so in exactly the same way that God has forgiven us for the sake of Jesus Christ (v. 32).

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT

We often feel like we are asking God for His forgiveness when what we are really doing is asking Him to accept our excuses. And because we know that we are to forgive as we were forgiven, as per our text, we often seek to forgive others by agreeing beforehand to accept their excuses, when possible. But (unlike ourselves) they had better have a good one.

Our problem is that, when living together with other sinners, we frequently run smack into what can only be called inexcusable. And because it is inexcusable, our scheme with the excuses cannot work.

Forgiveness deals with sin. And sin, by its very nature, is inexcusable. But what is inexcusable is not (thank the Lord) unforgivable.

PARDON ME AND FORGIVE ME

If you accidentally back into someone during fellowship hour, and make them spill their coffee, you naturally say pardon me, or please excuse me. By this you mean to say that you did what you did to them in a way that was entirely unintentional. They respond accordingly—don’t mention it. No problem. The accident was an accident, and it was therefore excusable.

But suppose you looked across the fellowship hall, and there saw your enemy, as pleased with himself as a conceited Pharisee could be, and so you lowered your shoulder and ran straight into him, knocking him clean over. Under such circumstances, the only reason you would say “pardon me” would be if you had decided to taunt him after bowling him over. In this case, your behavior is inexcusable.

That doesn’t mean that nothing can be done about it. The inexcusable is not the same kind of thing as the unforgivable.

A MIXED BAG

But there is another category. What if we don’t have something that is purely wicked or purely accidental? Suppose it is a mixed bag.

Yes, you snapped at the kids, but it was at the end of two days of migraine headache. Yes, you said some things to your wife that were rude and thoughtless, but she was the one who started the argument, and would not let it go, not even after you had asked her to. You had asked her three times. Yes, you sent an email to your boss that you regret sending, but it was 2 in the morning, and the beer you had made you careless.

There are extenuating circumstances, in other words. But we should all remember two things about this. The first is that we will tend to stretch our legitimate excuse part to cover over our sin part. But the only thing that can actually cover sin is the blood of Jesus Christ. When apologizing, we lead with the excuse. “Bob, sorry about yesterday. I had a long day, and I didn’t really mean what I said.” And Bob often responds in kind (because he wants to play the same game when he needs to). “Oh, well, because you didn’t mean it, forget about it.” In other words, because the “you” who said those things was not the real you, he can let it go.

The second problem is that we want our excuses to be way stretchier than our neighbor’s excuses. But as C.S. Lewis pointed out one time, the chances are excellent that our neighbor’s excuses are way better than we tend to believe. And it is also true that our excuses are way lamer than we think they are. When we handicap the competition between us and our fellow Christians, we are not nearly as objective as we think we are. 

A VARIATION OF THE GOLDEN RULE

The basic Christian response is to forgive as we have been forgiven. In our text, the apostle Paul is simply repeating what the Lord taught us when He taught us to pray. Every time we pray the Lord’s Prayer, we ask Him to forgive us as we forgive others. The way many Christians live, the room actually ought to become much quieter when we get to that part.

“Lord, please doubt the sincerity of my repentance the way I doubt his. Lord, dismiss my excuses with a wave of your hand the way I dismiss his excuses. Lord, keep a hidden tally so that if I sin in this area again, You can bring everything up again, and throw it in my face, the way I do with him. Amen.”

The Golden Rule teaches us that we should do for others what we wish they would do for us. This is in the same spirit, but there is a higher level of danger in it. Here we are asking God to treat us the way we treat our brother. If I give my brother an orange, he might give me an apple. But if I give my brother a stone when he asked for bread, and then I ask God to treat me in the same way, I may find out the stone is one that will crush me. God can give me a much bigger stone than my brother ever could.

BY GRACE ALONE

But how is this consistent with salvation by grace alone? “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:14–15). If you refuse to forgive your brother, you are not failing to earn your salvation. If you refuse to forgive your brother, you are revealing to the world that you have no understanding of what salvation by grace through faith actually is. Remember that Christ is all.

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More Than Just Forgiveness

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The Text

“Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.24 And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.25 But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.26 The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.27 Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.28 But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.29 And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.30 And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.31 So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?34 And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses” (Mt. 18:23–35).

Introduction

Certain people have the uncanny ability to drive you crazy. It’s tempting to box them out of our lives, so we won’t have to deal with their antics. Forgiving someone again & again is an unappealing course of action as it means they’ve offended you again & again. However, there’s someone you’re very good at forgiving & treating with great delicacy even though they’re a good-for-nuthin’ scoundrel. That someone? Yourself!

Summary of the Text

After teaching on the process for progressively rebuking a brother who has sinned against you (Mt. 18:15-20), Peter raises the question of how many times should an offending brother be forgiven…“seven times (v.21)?” Jesus’ response shows that keeping a scorecard of your brother’s offenses is contrary to the true spirit of forgiveness. The number he gives is clearly meant to indicate that you’re to forgive your brother regardless of the number of times he offends (v.22).  These numbers hearken back to the vengeance protections against Cain & Lamech (cf. Gen. 4:15 & 23-24).
Jesus illustrates with a parable in three scenes. The first episode is that of a king taking account & forgiving a servant who begged for clemency; even though he owed an insurmountable debt of 10,000 talents (vs.23-27). It would take 20 years for a day-laborer to earn 1 talent. Thus, this servant owed the equivalent of 200,000 years of labor. We’re talking billions of dollars. The second episode sees this same servant hunting down a fellow-servant who owed him 100 days’ wages––not a negligible amount. The forgiven servant refuses to forgive his fellow-servant who was indebted to him. He throws him into prison until the debt is repaid (vs.28-30).
In the third episode, this news travels back to the king who––in great wrath––rebukes the pitiless servant, reverses his decision, & turns him over to tormentors until his debt is paid in full (vs. 31-34). Jesus’ concludes this parable by warning that His Father will do likewise unto those who do not––from the heart––forgive their brother (v. 35).

The Root of Our Forgiveness

We learn from this parable, that the Father, expects His forgiveness to be imitated. Paul’s epistles repeat this:
Ephesians 4:32 
Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Colossians 3:12-13
Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy & beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, & forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
The root of our forbearance (i.e. patience) & forgiveness of each other is rooted in the Gospel of Christ’s forgiveness of us. The implication in the parable is that our debt to God can’t be “worked off.” Our only hope is gracious forgiveness.
The “imitative” quality of our earthly forgiveness carries boulder-sized ramifications. Imitating God’s forgiveness means that an unbeliever is incapable of truly forgiving as they are unable to imitate God without the new birth. It also means that a child of God who refuses to forgive is going to be all tied up in knots because they have clearly not grasped how great a debt God has forgiven them.

A Variety of Pseudo-Forgiveness

While we must hold one doctrine firmly––that our salvation is secure––we must hear the profound warning which Christ attaches to unforgiveness.
Matthew 6:12, 14-15
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. […] For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
As one fellow once shrewdly pointed out: “Refusal to forgive is a decision for vengeance.” Since our forgiveness is imitative of Christ’s forgiveness, unforgiveness indicates a lack of grasping what the Father has done for you. Man always connives to avoid God’s clear command for seeking & giving forgiveness. Christ’s warning about unforgiveness should make us wary of “wild-flowers of forgiveness” that look pretty from a distance, but are, in fact, destructive weeds.
First, modern psychology treats forgiveness therapeutically. You endeavor to drudge up forgiveness-feelings in order to feel better about yourself. In this approach, reconciliation is of no concern. Along this vein, we often think we need to search for forgiveness feelings before forgiving. Biblically, forgiveness is a promise, an act of the will to “remember not” (cf. Ps. 79:8). Forgetting is passive, whereas “remembering not” is active.
A second imposter is the common apology. “I’m sorry” is different from “I was wrong, please forgive me.” Apologizing is offering a defense not seeking forgiveness.
Sweeping things under the rug is a third pseudo-forgiveness. This is just loveless apathy. If you truly would imitate Christ, you must not let things slide, but address them for the sake of the relationship. In fact, this opens to us operate in the realm of objective truth rather than subjective feelings. Ken Sande summarizes this well, “Forgiveness is not excusing. Forgiveness is the exact opposite of excusing. The very fact that forgiveness is needed & granted indicates that what someone did was wrong & inexcusable.”

A Glory Beyond Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not an end in & of itself; it is a means unto something far grander. The arc of all history shows that God’s aim in redeeming mankind is more than merely forgiving him for his crimes in Eden; God is preparing a Garden City whose glory outshines the sun. God is restoring what was lost in Eden, but in an incomprehensibly glorified way.
In our earthly relationships, this means that merely forgiving the offense is not the end goal. A restored & glorified relationship is the goal. In essence, forgiveness is a means to a more glorious marriage, friendship, relationship, society.
All the various weeds of pseudo-forgiveness––which are all of the genus known as bitterness––will quickly overshadow & strangle the fruits of grace. Thus, keeping short accounts with your fellow-servants is vital for the health of the garden of your life. Bitterness would turn your garden into an eyesore. Redemptive grace takes your garden & glorifies it into a full-fledged farm with a gourmet restaurant.
When we forgive the 100 pence our brother owes us, our imitation of what God has forgiven us is on display. In this way, you not only enjoy the blessings of a restored relationships & clear consciences; you also enjoy the great privilege of displaying to the onlooking world the reconciliation found in the Gospel: God the Father reconciling Himself with fallen man through Christ. We mustn’t forget: our overarching aim––in forgiving our brother––is glorifying God.

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