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What is a Family? (King’s Cross)
Christ Church on May 14, 2025
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A Marriage Tune Up (King’s Cross)

Grace Sensing on

INTRODUCTION

As we begin a new year, it’s worth reviewing some of the most basic assignments we have in our marriages. The central paradigm is the gospel, and the central duties are love and respect. But as with many of these things that we hear often, it is incredibly important that we determine by God’s grace not to be merely hearers of the Word but doers.

The Text: “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the Savior of the Body…” (Eph. 5:22-33).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The Bible teaches that marriage is one of the central pictures of the gospel (Eph. 5:23-25, 32), and therefore generally speaking, the state of marriage in a land will tell you a lot about the state of the gospel in that land. This gospel is embodied by a wife submitting to her own husband as to the Lord Jesus (Eph. 5:22), and each husband taking responsibility for his wife just as Christ does as the head of the church (Eph. 5:23). This means that a wife is to obey her husband as the church obeys Christ in everything (Eph. 5:24). And husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church, laying down his life for her efficaciously, making her pure and holy (Eph. 5:25-27). This love is exemplified in the way a man cares for his own body, nourishing and cherishing, again, just as the Lord does the Church (Eph. 5:28-30). A man leaves his father and mother to become one flesh with his wife, and this is all a great mystery that proclaims Christ and the church (Eph. 5:31-32). Therefore, a man must love his wife, and a wife must reverence her husband (Eph. 5:33).

HUSBANDS LOVE

The command is for husbands to love because men need to be reminded to do this and because it is what a wife particularly needs. A man more naturally tends to respect, but that is not the particular command given. Christ is the model of this love, and what the Bible particularly points out is the duty of taking responsibility for her as her head and sacrificing for her good (Eph. 5:23, 25-27). This requires you to understand the difference between responsibility and guilt: you may not be personally guilty for some sin of your wife, but you are responsible for all of it, just as you may not be guilty for some injuries in your body but you are responsible (Eph. 5:28).

This love also requires thoughtfulness about your wife’s needs. You are not to love her aimlessly. You are to love like Christ, which is to say efficaciously. You are to give yourself for her to make her more holy and pure (Eph. 5:25-26). And you are to do this in order to present her to yourself more glorious and lovely, just like Jesus does (Eph. 5:27). Loving your wife well doesn’t mean doing whatever she wants; it means doing whatever it takes to make her a better woman.

WIVES RESPECT

The command is for wives to respect because women need to be reminded to do this and because it is what a man particularly needs. Women tend to more naturally love, and while that is certainly good (Tit. 2:4), the particular command is for wives to respect (Eph. 5:33). And this is also word for single ladies: your standard for a man needs to be not whether you do or could love him; your standard needs to be: do you respect him?

What is respect? Respect is honor, looking up to, thinking highly of, including the kind of trust that willingly submits to and obeys (Eph. 5:22, 24). Just as we live in a world that despises fathers; we live in a world that despises true husbands. And unfortunately many Christian women feel free to dishonor their husbands openly, making fun of them, talking them down, complaining about them, or simply being difficult for them, and it is often all dismissed with the hand-waving excuse, “but I love him.” However, the example a woman is given is the obedience of the church to Christ. How would you have the Christian Church submit to Christ? Then show the world in your submissive respect for your husband.

FELLOWSHIP MULTIPLIED

This love and respect is designed by God to result in a glorious unity and fellowship. But sin has twisted every son and daughter of Adam, and the curse has particularly attacked marriage, creating tension and hurt where there was none before (Gen. 3:16). This is why the only way for a marriage to have true Christian fellowship is by the blood of the Lamb: “If we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:7). If this is true of Christian fellowship in general, it is most certainly true of Christian marriage in particular. But the thing to underline here is that marriage fellowship is one of the primary contributors to all fellowship. What you are sharing with one another is either true Christian fellowship (koinonia) (1 Cor. 10:16, 1 Jn. 1:3) or else it is some kind of Satanic, pharisaical cancer. You are one with your spouse, and when you come here, you are sharing that with one another (1 Cor. 11).

CONCLUSIONS

Never forget that these instructions come as part of the great “therefore” of Ephesians 4:1. We love because He loved us first. We work because we are His workmanship (Eph. 2:10). Which is to say that all of this is only possible by God’s grace. But grace is not something vague, like a Christian version of “luck” or “good vibes” or random windfalls. Grace is the personal favor and blessing of God in Jesus Christ. It begins with His personal forgiveness, but it also includes the wisdom and power to obey all of His commands: we stand in His grace (Rom. 5:1-2).

There are particular strengths and glories that men and women bring to the world, and they take shape as men take responsibility and love their wives and as women submit to their husbands and respect them. Harmony is not the result of everyone singing the same music. Harmony happens when each part sings the part assigned to them.

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Marriage Snarls (Get Married & Stay Married #4)

Christ Church on

INTRODUCTION

Most folks enjoy their ruts. They find a way of doing things, and that’s the way it should be done. But occasionally, along comes some technological innovation, or some brilliant genius. The way you’ve always done things is suddenly upended, and you can’t imagine ever doing it the old way again. Christ’s life, death, and resurrection was the epitome of completely changing how to do things. Christian marriage, then, should have a similar effect. As people see your marriage, they should be left scratching their heads going, “I’ve never seen it done this way before, but I want that.”

THE TEXT

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. […] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:12-13;18-19).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Unity in human society is impossible without Christ’s atonement. The people of God are to wear the uniform; the uniform is Christ and His righteousness. We must note the flow of Paul’s thought. Your affections must rest in Christ on high (3:1-4). You must fight to the death against evil desires and deeds, and put off all the rowdiness of the sinful nature (3:5-8). That is who you once were, but you aren’t that now.

You are chosen, beloved, and holy. This in turn leads to a particular way of doing things; a way that is profoundly counter cultural, to every culture not built on Christ. This looks like large-heartedness. Kindness. Humility. Meekness. You have a long fuse (v12). Along with this comes a clear cut way of dealing with violations of this holy way of living: forbearance or forgiveness (v13). Covering or confronting. All of this is to be done in imitation of the Love of God (v13b-17). This is how true community is formed. God, in Christ, has forgiven you, so you forgive others. Forgive us our debts, as we we forgive those who are indebted to us.

Nevertheless, a besetting sin of Christians is thinking that we could be very holy if it weren’t for all the people. So, Paul locates the playing field for us. This Christ-like way of doing things should be seen first and foremost in the life of a Christian marriage. Wives are to array themselves under their own husbands, for it is fitting (v18, Cf. v17). Husbands are to love their wives, without harboring or causing bitterness (v19).

LEMON JUICE IN THE PAPER CUT

It shouldn’t escape your notice that Paul’s instruction for wives & husbands is in the context of this “new way of being human” in Christ. The patience, humility, and sacrificial love described are not just nice plays drawn up on the chalkboard. This play is to be executed “in game”.

But where are wives & husbands most likely to be tested in their endeavor to be Christlike but in the failures of their spouse? It is easy to be sweet, kind, and cheerful when everything is sunny. But what about when she’s doesn’t obey her husband’s decision? Or when he thoughtlessly neglects to tell her he’ll be home late from work? When she does an end-around on her husband, getting the in-laws to take her side? When he gets cranky about sexual regularity?

This is why, in order for a marriage to go the distance, both husband & wife must put on Christ. They must imitate His forgiveness towards them in their forgiveness to each other. This won’t be easy. Without divine grace, you will be unable to give grace.

A husband who doesn’t love his wife well, or a wife who routinely disregards her husband’s authority will provoke the other to fill up the relational garage with boxes full of aired (and unaired) grievances. Things get really bad when his box ends up on her side of the garage. But where will a wife need to most likely extend forgiveness but when her husband fails to provide the love he ought? Where will a husband most need to forgive but where she runs roughshod over him?

So, Paul’s command to Christians in general, and then applying it more directly to married couples, rings loud and clear: forbear or forgive. Let it slide, or confess/confront it. Either way, you aren’t ignoring the sin or offense, you are dealing with it as Christ commands. You must not, however, wait until your relational garage could be featured on an episode of Hoarders. Keep it tidy, don’t let grievances pile up.

BONFIRE OF JOY

This “live differently” project must be spearheaded by husbands. Husbands should be a bonfire of joy in the midst of their home. Husbands, you set the tone. You provide the warmth. You are your home’s brightness. The family should want to gather around you, not because you are such a narcissist, but because you are a bonfire of joy in Christ and joy in them. This means more than just “be there.” It means “be there, and be joyful.”

James warns that ungodly ruckuses begin through wrong desires, disordered affections (Jas. 4:1-10). We see this in toddlers, and then pretend we adults are too advanced for such petty rivalry. But husbands, your wife is not your competitor, she is your helper. You lay down your life, that by God’s grace He might raise you up into great glory. You work your tail off in sacrificial toil, while humming a joyful tune through it all. You bring the irrepressible joy, and your wife will gladly crown that joy.

IN-LAWS, MONEY, INTIMACY, KIDS

Now, it almost goes without saying, but the greatest arenas of provocation in marriage usually center around a small group of issues. Like clockwork, marriage issues arise around in-laws, money, intimacy, and child-rearing. In a majority of instances, conflict can usually be avoided through the kindness that is clear communication.

Write it down. Explain to the in-laws where the boundaries are. Put it on the schedule. Implement a solid budgeting tool. Get on the same page regarding discipline and child-rearing issues. Too many couples assume their spouse is a mind-reader.  Then are disappointed when they discover this isn’t the case. But in all these areas, it will take mutual forbearance (and forgiveness) to work through the presenting challenges. Again, much of it can be relieved by interacting with clear lines (writing it down, scheduling, frank conversations), instead of vague shrugs or telepathy.

GOLDEN RULE, GOLDEN MARRIAGE

Many couples are wonderful people to their friends, co-workers, and colleagues. But when it comes to their marriage they are constantly aggravated and aggravating. Christ’s way of doing things should be jaw-dropping to the world around us. You once walked this way, but now you have put off the evil scheme of rivalry (Col. 3:7-8). Or as Paul says in another place, “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God (1 Cor. 6:11).”

Christ bears with your many failures, sins, flaws, and faults. He does not treat you as you deserve. But this doesn’t mean He doesn’t deal with your sin. He has made a way for you to be finally and fully forgiven. Not only that, but His Spirit is at work in you to subdue all remaining corruption. Look to Him, and then do as you’d be done by.

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As An Army with Banners (Get Married & Stay Married #2)

Christ Church on

INTRODUCTION

We turn now to see what instruction the Word of God gives us as it regards young women. Perhaps more than any other demographic in our current environment, young women are beset with draconian lies. All of which will lead to some degree of unfruitfulness & heartbreak for those who adopt the world’s thinking. In God’s Word, young women are held in high honor, while also called to high holiness.

THE TEXT

Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners? (Song of Songs 6:10).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

In Solomon’s song of love, we find numerous veiled descriptions of the unveiled glory of the love between a husband & his bride. In this verse were allowed a glimpse of sanctified feminine glory.

What did the Beloved see when he beheld his chosen bride? He saw a new day dawn. He saw the creation of a new world; evening & morning, and it was good. He saw Sun, Moon, and Stars. In gazing upon her, he beheld a coming heavenly host of covenant-keeping offspring. Rank upon rank of saints would come from her bearing & nurturing. Indeed, by her host of virtues & charms his affections have been captured. This description gives daughters of the Lord something to emulate. Adorned outwardly and inwardly with a host of glorious virtues.

THE MAKING OF VOWS

The besetting sin of modern American’s is individualism. Nowhere is this more evident than in how women are taught to view themselves. A daughter has authority, but she’s also under authority (Num. 30:3-5). The point here is that a daughter can lawfully make vows, but her vows are not like the unalterable law of the Medes and Persians. Her vows are lawful, but not absolute. If her father, or later her husband, were to overrule her vow, she’s not broken her vow.

Further, this arrangement keeps her from the folly of a rash vow. A young woman would be guarded from some sweet-talker who coaxed her into a “secret engagement”. This also shows us that her father has authority over his daughter’s romantic commitments.

Eager suitors should bear in mind that they ought not treat young women as if they are autonomous islands. If he desires her to marry him, submit to his headship, receive her respect, the first step in commanding her respect is for him to show respect & deference to her father’s authority over her. Rejecting both recreational dating & hook-up culture should mean that a young couple’s approach to romance be bounded by Biblical wisdom. This means not treating authority as if it’s a dirty word.

UNDER AUTHORITY

Too often, though, instead of replacing the world’s model of two fools messing around, conservative Christians replace it with six fools making a hash of things. Overbearing moms, overly scrupulous parents, tight-fisted dads, poor communication of expectations, standards, guidelines, and throw in a few younger siblings doing their (very experienced) 2¢ and you have curdled the relationship from the get-go.

A young woman should not view her duty to submit to her father, and eventually a husband, as a cumbersome obstacle to her life. Fathers in particular, and parents in general, should set out to ensure that their authority in a daughter’s life is one of blessing. It will only be a blessing if it’s marked by our Heavenly Father’s generosity. He piles on the grace, the love, the protection, and the gifts and yet also refuses to indulge our follies, vices, or the wolves who would devour us.

In short, there are four options for a single woman in regards to authority. Being under authority is inescapable, but that is the case for us all. There’s lawful but ungodly authority: a miserly father, who bears rule with an iron fist, or has long ago abdicated. There’s unlawful & ungodly authority: the modern feminist mindset which deludes with phantom autonomy. There’s unlawful & godly authority: she might find a fine young man, but he isn’t her authority. Finally, lawful and godly authority: a loving father who cherishes her, protects her, and guides her (and any suitor who comes along) from the structure of his faithful home into her own godly home.

PASSIVE ≠ INACTIVE

So, while it’s a young woman’s duty to submit, first to her father’s leadership and protection (as long as it’s Scriptural), and then to consent to the advances of an eligible suitor, this doesn’t mean that she’s to loll about in idleness. She isn’t relieved of duty, activity, purpose, or industry. The description which Scripture gives of holy women is that of vigorous action even while under submission. Sarah, Ruth, Rahab, Tamar, Jael, Proverbs 31, Abigail, the daughters of Zelophehad, and Hannah depict this is a variety of situations (some with godly heads, others with ungodly). While in relation to the lawful authority over them they are in a passive position of receiving, what is given into their hands to do is to be done with vigor and joy.

Modern thinking wants young women to be content only with being lawmakers unto themselves. The insistence upon the “my body, my choice” paradigm, along with the unquestioning affirmation of every choice, has taught America’s daughters to dwell in a state of constant vulnerability. They aren’t protected. They’re the prey of carnal men who will use them to gratify their endless lust & greed. The feminist arrangement works out quite well for both the lecherous creep & the $500 haircut CEO.

An unmarried woman shouldn’t adopt the notion that self-fulfillment is found in some journey of self-discovery out in the wilds of corporate America, or in the woods of some Yoga resort where you heal from all the trauma of growing up in the most prosperous, care-free time in all history. A young women should be preparing herself as if she is about to be hired to be a caretaker of a thousand acre vineyard & winery. Thus, she should be cultivating savvy wordsmithing; she should commit dozens of delicious recipes to memory; she should understand a profit & loss spreadsheet; and she should probably work to become a whiz at making grass stains disappear from jeans.

Young women should understand that they are the producers of the world’s most precious commodity: children made in the image of God. This is why the OT Law put severe sanctions on the craven lusts of men, in order to protect the chastity of daughters. This is why daughters were not sent into Israel’s wars. Preparing for motherhood isn’t preparation for obscurity. It’s preparation for bearing & rearing a host of godly saints, trained up to love & fear the Lord all their days. She raises humans who will make advances in science, art, discovery, and justice, while also fulfilling our Lord’s assignment for the Church to bring this world under the dominion of Christ’s Word. Young mom’s have the opportunity to create a habitat in which the early years of their children are marked by joy, discipline, nurture, love, beauty, and peace. You are preparing to oversee the formation of tens of thousands of worshippers of the Lord Jesus. While you wait for a husband, you need not wait to become industrious.

IN WROUGHT GOLD

Returning to our text, a young woman preparing for marriage should bring to mind an army readying for battle. Your single years are the boot-camp & the staging area for a Gospel invasion of the remaining outposts of evil & darkness. Marriage and motherhood is where those exercises are put into action. Moms do in miniature what the Church does at full scale.

Scripture prohibits women from military combat, while simultaneously evoking military imagery for the glory of a woman. This is not accidental. The war is not out there where the guns are, the war is whether mankind will worship the Risen Christ.

And here is where our theology meets our living. The Church receives Christ’s love, and is made lovely. Your love is made perfect in Christ & by Christ (1 Jn. 4:17). The bride is arrayed in wrought gold, fine needlework, and beaming with glory within (Ps. 45:13). In Christ, God has arrayed the saints in golden robes of righteous. This is all of grace.

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