Enjoy this session for women from our recent Marriage Seminar in Moscow, ID.
Enjoy this session for men from our recent Marriage Seminar in Moscow, ID.
When God unites a man and woman in the covenant of marriage, they truly become one flesh. This is why divorce is always violent (Mal. 2:16). This is not merely a picture; it is a covenantal reality. Therefore, a man’s love and care for his wife is always simultaneously for himself. Like Christ, a man is always presenting his wife to himself, the only question is whether he is presenting glory to himself or not.
“That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself” (Eph. 5:27-28).
Christ’s love for us turns us into living sacrifices (Rom. 12). And here, the language implies that a husband should see his love as having a similar effect on his wife, making her spotless, holy, and without blemish, the sort of thing you would look for in a sacrificial animal (Ex. 12:5, Num. 19:2, 1 Pet. 1:19). While there was certainly a punitive element in Christ’s sacrifice, there is also an ascension and communion element to the sacrifices. All the sacrifices point to re-entering the Garden of Eden through the flaming sword of the cherubim (Gen. 3:24). But ultimately, to commune with God is to be changed from glory into glory, to be lifted up and transfigured (e.g. 1 Jn. 3:2). The High Priest in the Old Covenant pictured this in his garments of “glory and beauty” that matched the tabernacle (Ex. 28:2, 40), and he was anointed with blood and oil like the altar itself. The High Priest was a “living sacrifice” who communed with God in the Holy Place. This is what Christ has come to do for all of us, and it is was a husband is called to imitate.
This picture works in at least two directions: First, it certainly applies to loving your wife toward Christ and into greater and greater communion with Him. But second, the immediate context applies this communion directly back to the husband (Eph. 5:28). If the husband is to model Christ’s High Priestly love which has drawn us near to Him as living sacrifices, then a husband’s sacrificial love draws his wife near to himself. He that loves his wife loves himself. And we need not pit these two communions against one another. Because God is the source of all true fellowship, the closer you get to God the closer you get to anyone else. The inverse is also true: the further away from God you get, the further away from true fellowship you get. “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin” (1 Jn. 1:7). Therefore, drawing nearer to God always brings you closer to your spouse, and a husband loving his wife nearer to the Lord is loving her nearer to himself.
A man may think of his leadership of his wife in athletic terms. The best coaches push their players beyond what they think they are capable of because they have a bigger vision of what they might do and accomplish. All your favorite coaches and trainers pushed you harder than you thought was reasonable, and then you love them for it. Lazy coaches do not push you at all, and harsh coaches do not really love or care for you. Faithful husbands love their wives as themselves, pushing them as they push themselves for excellence and glory.
“Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible. I therefore so run, not as uncertainly; so fight I, not as one that beateth the air: But I keep under my body, and bring it into subjection: lest that by any means, when I have preached to others, I myself should be a castaway” (1 Cor. 9:24-27). So men ought to love their own wives striving for the prize, striving for the crown of glory: “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4), just as wisdom crowns a man with her glory (Prov. 4:9). Do you think of her as your crown, your glory (1 Cor. 11:7)?
Likewise, in athletics, there is a “mental game” where you must listen to your body and yet discipline your thoughts. Your body may not want to get up and work out/exercise. Your body may protest another mile, but if you do not push your body further, it will not get stronger. On the other hand, if you don’t listen carefully to your body, you can harm your body. Husbands must love their wives as their own bodies. A man must lead and love with a mission of glory in mind, but he must lead and love with diligence and care.
It is not whether you are presenting your wife to yourself, the only question is: what are you presenting to yourself? Are you presenting a glorious crown to yourself?
“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4). The word “virtuous” literally means “strength, might, excellence.”
How is this kind of crown crafted? By loving her like Christ loved the Church, giving yourself for her good, loving her as your own body.
Your covenantal union with your wife both underlines your responsibility but also a promise. By God’s grace, she is your responsibility, and by His grace, you can be assured that your love is what she needs.
A man who has failed to love his wife well or diligently really needs to understand the damage that can be done through his neglect or harshness. On the other hand, when a man repents and begins walking in love, you need to know that God has made the world such that your love, under God’s blessing, really is potent for healing and glory.
We come to the next verse in Ephesians 5, turning to the Christian wife’s duty to embrace the glory of imitating the church’s obedience to Christ in her obedience in everything to her own husband. The world calls this oppression and tyranny, but we call it glory under God’s blessing.
“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything” (Eph. 5:24).
While we live in a culture that has glamorized rebellion and disobedience, we really must embrace the biblical teaching that obedience, when God requires it, is our glory. Obedience to God is our crown. When Abraham obeyed God, going to the brink of sacrificing his own son, God declared great bless- ing on him (Gen. 22:18, cf. 26:4-5). Obedience to God would make Israel God’s treasured possession among all peoples (Ex. 19:5). And when God set blessing before Israel, it was the blessing of obedi- ence, and no one would be able to stand before them (Dt. 11:25-28). Conversely, disobedience to God is described as sexual infidelity: “Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Whoever is a friend of the world is the enemy of God… Submit yourselves therefore to God” ( Js. 4:4, 7, cf. Jdg. 2:17). Refusal to submit to God is enmity and infidelity.
If you think about the Word of God being that which created the Heavens and the Earth, the Word that is Light and Life to all things, then obedience to that word could be nothing less than blessing, life, glory, joy, and power (cf. Ps. 119). Was it a glory for the wind and the waves to obey Jesus? Then it is a glory for us to obey Him. When Peter and the apostles said that they must obey God rather than men that was a glory (Acts 5:29), including the glory of suffering for the name of Christ (Acts 5:41). “By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey His commandments” (1 Jn. 5:2). Of course our response of obedient love to God is always entirely a response of grace, God working in us what is well-pleasing in His sight (Eph. 2:10, Col. 1:10-11).
Therefore, the old marriage vows that included a wife’s promise to “obey” her husband were completely biblical, and whether or not you used the word in your ceremony, Christian marriage includes the duty: “As Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening” (1 Pet. 3:6). Nor do we mind noting that Scripture says here “in everything.” A wise man will not micromanage his wife, but a godly woman will not resent her hus- band’s instruction anywhere. A wise man will not micromanage his wife, but he must not shrink from responsibility anywhere, saying “that’s none of my business.”
By the image of the church’s submission to Christ, we certainly insist that the central postures of a godly wife are love, reverence, and obedience to her husband, but by this same image, a wife should see her role as also including a great deal of input and feedback. The church does not merely come before the Lord to receive instructions, we come before the Lord to raise our voices in prayer (spoken and sung). The Psalms are the central prayers we are invited to offer to our Lord, and we should note that many of them are full of praise, reverence, and thanksgiving, and so a Christian woman, should regularly praise, honor, and thank her husband for his hard work, his wisdom, his accomplishments, his courage, and his faithfulness. Nevertheless, we do not mind also pointing out that many Psalms include pleas for help, requests for saving, and laments for hardships. In the Hebrew it says, “Why have you been gone so long, and why don’t you answer any of my texts? I’m surrounded by people in diapers, come quickly with chocolate to help!”
There is an “asymmetry” in Christian marriage that reflects Christ and His church and must be always remembered in marriage. A Christian wife may pour her heart out to her husband in a way that a Christian husband must not do to his wife. This doesn’t mean that a Christian husband hides things from his wife, but it means that he is careful to protect his wife from his feelings and burdens. He must model Christ’s care for His bride, and not dump on her. This doesn’t mean that a Christian woman can just “dump” or “vent” on her husband, but it does mean that she may pour out her heart to him and he must not resent it. But a Christian woman should labor to pour out her heart to the Lord first before pouring her heart out to her husband.
A man may not accept responsibility for “everything” and then resent the fact that she tells him about “everything.” And remember that Christ is the model in this. The Church is subject to Christ “in ev- erything” (He is Lord of all), and therefore, we bring to Him everything. At the same time, not every moment is ideal for sorting through everything, and so a wise man must learn to thank his wife for bringing things to his attention and commit to a particular plan for addressing the concern, includ- ing giving his wife permission to remind him if necessary. A woman must not nag her husband, but a husband leads his wife into that particular temptation when he does not give clear instructions for how her concerns need to be handled.
Scripture says that women are, “to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed” (Tit. 2:5). Likewise, elsewhere, it says, “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none reproach to the adversary to speak reproachfully. For some are already turned aside after Satan” (1 Tim. 5:14-15).
And the point is simply to underline how high the stakes are: the veracity and glory of the Word of God is at stake and even these duties play into our spiritual warfare with Satan. The submission and obedience of a wife to her own husband either confirm the glory of the Word of God and obedience to God or else it is blasphemed and grants credibility to the lies of Satan.
As it also says, “For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with diverse lusts, ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth” (2 Tim. 3:6-7). What makes women vulnerable to the attacks of the enemy? Sin and lusts. So the stakes are high, and therefore, you must be free from all your sins through the blood of Christ. If Christ is your Savior-Lord, then do not balk in the slightest if He has given you a husband-lord.
Again, we face the scorn and mockery of a world in rebellion to God, but we are not ashamed and we will not apologize for the headship of a man over his wife, since it is a glorious picture of Jesus Christ our Head and our Savior. In fact, we insist that as men repent and turn to Christ, this is one of the central places for the gospel is proclaimed and bears much fruit.
“For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he is the savior of the body.”
The Bible teaches that the husband is the head of the wife, and this is both an anatomical image as well as a covenantal reality. This headship is to be understood and modeled after the headship of Christ for the church, where He has taken responsibility for the church and represented the church, becoming the savior of the church.
This is not the first time Paul has referred to Christ as the head of the church in this letter to the Ephesians: “And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all” (Eph. 1:22-23). Notice two things about this: it is simply impossible to interpret Scripture’s teaching that the husband is the head of his wife as anything other than true authority. But second, notice what Christ did with that authority: He used His authority to take responsibility for us. He bled and died for the forgiveness of our sins (Eph. 1:7), in order to gather all of us together to receive an inheritance sealed to us by the Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:10-13), and God raised Him from the dead to be seated in Heaven as Lord of all, where He has raised us to sit with Him in glory (Eph. 1:20-2:7).
This is biblical headship. It is real authority, and it is authority that bleeds in order to bless. The authority of God chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world to be adopted (Eph. 1:4-5), and it is that sovereign authority that accomplished everything needed for our salvation (Eph. 1:11). Human husbands cannot duplicate that salvation, but they are commanded to imitate it. This is what your headship means.
In the Old Covenant, one of the principle pictures of headship was given in the sacrificial system: the elders laid hands on the head of the bull before it was sacrificed for the ordination of Aaron and his sons (Ex. 29:10-19), and usually whenever anyone came to offer a sacrifice to the Lord, he laid his hand on the animal before it was killed (Lev. 1:4, 3:13). The symbolism was clear: this animal represents me. Specifically, on the Day of Atonement, Aaron laid both his hands on the head of the live goat, and confessed over him all the iniquities of Israel, “putting them on the head of the goat,” and the goat would bear upon him all their iniquities into a desolate land (Lev. 16:21-22). Ordinarily, the idea of someone else bearing an iniquity would be unjust, but the hands upon the head symbolically identified the worshipper with the animal, like a head is identified with a body. So too Christ became our head by being born as a true man, just like us apart from sin. And he who knew no sin, became sin for us, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Cor. 5:21). A husband becomes one with his wife through vows before witnesses and their one flesh union, such that every husband is the head of his wife, and represents her, whether he knows it or not, whether he thinks he is or not.
This means that God sees him as the official representative of the wife, the official spokesman of the marriage covenant. He may be a negligent or abdicating head, but he is still the head. In 1 Pet. 3:7, it says that husbands must dwell with their wives in an understanding way, honoring the wife as a weaker vessel, as a coheir of the grace of life, that his “prayers be not hindered.” The warning is clear: if you do not honor your wife and listen to her concerns, God will not listen to you or your concerns. But the implication is that God is inclined to listen to that man who listens to and honors his wife.
It seems utterly impossible that husbands are commanded to imitate Jesus like this. How can a mere man imitate the Savior of the Body? Begin with the grateful acceptance of this responsibility. Acknowledge the fact before God with thanksgiving. And ask the Lord to teach you: “Lord, I know that I am the head of my wife. Thank you for this tremendous responsibility. Teach me what this means. Help me be a faithful head like Jesus.” If Christ our Scapegoat is any indicator, God is also inclined to listen to our prayers of confession: “Father, forgive us for our sins…” It is true that you cannot “save” your wife from her sins yourself, but as her head, you are authorized to represent her to Christ our Savior.
When the birth of Jesus the Savior was announced at the beginning of Luke’s gospel, the universal response was thanksgiving (Lk. 1:46, 1:68, 2:13-14, 2:20). Let your presence in your home and particularly for you wife evoke similar joy. The thought of you coming home from work, the thought of you being home for a day, the thought of going out with you, being with you should be gladness and relief.
One of the central prophesies of the Messiah was Emmanuel – God with us. A husband brings security, rest, relief, and joy to his wife by merely being present, being present with joy, peace, kindness, grace. But you cannot give this, unless you have this. This means that Christ must be present with you, and you must be casting your cares upon Him. A godly husband is not a man who has no difficulties or trials; a godly husband is a man who is casting them upon the Lord as fast they arise, so that he is free to serve his wife.
The name “Jesus” means savior, and it is the same name as Joshua. Think of the work of Joshua and Jesus as works of conquest. You are called to study and know your wife well. Peter says that you must dwell with your wife in an understanding way, or according to knowledge. Joshua sent spies into the land; Jesus sent the apostles. Before you attempt to lead your wife, you must know your wife. Before you build, you study the land, you make a plan. Before you go to war, you number your troops, you study the enemy. In this case, you have an assignment from the Lord to lead your wife to Heaven, to do everything you can drive the darkness of sin out of her life and present her spotless.
Men, you cannot imitate the Savior, unless you know the Savior. So do you know Jesus?
Christ Church