Marriage Archives - Page 9 of 10

Decluttering Your Marriage #1

Ben Zornes on May 14, 2017

Introduction:
Many of you have been married for quite a number of years now. This can be wonderful, like aging wine, but before anyone says awwww, it can also grow seriously un-wonderful, as bad spiritual habits compound with interest. Marriages can get badly cluttered, like a neglected garage, attic, or basement. And when things get cluttered, they also get people into a position where they really don’t know what to do. Where should they start?

The Text:
“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted” (Gal. 6:1).

Summary of the Text:
We are going to begin with this text because it lays down some important principles for the process of decluttering any relationship, but particularly your relationship with your spouse.

Say that someone else is overtaken in a fault. You see a problem over there. Who should correct it? Paul first states what the qualifications are for the one undertaking the job of correcting another. He says that the task is limited to those “which are spiritual.” If you are annoyed, bothered, frustrated, exasperated, you are the one person on the planet who may not correct the problem. And the problem is that when you are qualified, you are not motivated. And when you are motivated, you are not qualified. But say that someone is overtaken in a trespass, and suppose further that you are qualified to say something. Paul has additional cautions. The first is that you are there to administer a restoration, not a beat down. The second is that you must conduct yourself in a spirit of meekness, gentleness, and humility. The third is that you must keep one eye on yourself, remembering that you too are susceptible to temptation.

So the presenting problem is that somebody else sinned, and you might be a person who could help. If you already succumbed to temptation, you need to stay out of it. If you cannot come with restoration in your heart, stay out of it.

If you are not functioning in spirit of meekness, then stay out of it. And if you are not mindful of your own frailty in these things, then stay out of it.

Considering Yourself:
I want to begin by helping you to “consider yourself.” This is coming from four decades of marriage counseling—and I want to assure you that I have pretty much seen it all. What creates intractable marriage problems? The answer to that question is not sins, but rather one sin—the sin of pride—the opposite of the spirit of meekness. Particular sins would be things like alcohol, porn, financial irresponsibility, and so on. One of you does something wrong or foolish, you recognize it as a sin, and then work with your spouse on reconciliation and forgiveness. Things can be messy but are pretty straightforward.

But what gets your marriage stuck right up to the axles? What creates marriages that are just impossible? This feat is accomplished by means of pride. “Be not righteous over much; neither make thyself over wise: why shouldest thou destroy thyself?” (Eccl. 7:16). In other words, you destroy your marriage with what you think are your virtues. You don’t repent of virtues, do you? Many Christians are marital Pharisees, flatly convinced of their own righteousness and of the ungrateful unrighteousness of everybody else under the same roof, not to mention the obtuseness of the counselor who fails to recognize the evil you must contend with daily. This is a common problem in the church, and it is why Jesus used to think it was important to say crazy stuff. “Verily I say unto you, That the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you” (Matt. 21:31).

You call it righteous indignation, but God calls it the wrath of man. You call maternal concern, but God calls it manipulative worry. You call it prudent input, but God calls it a critical spirit. You call it decisive leadership, but God calls it financial irresponsibility. You call it theological precision, but God calls it neglecting the weightier matters of the law. But whoever repents of righteous indignation, maternal concern, prudent input, decisive leadership, or theological precision? Nobody repents of those things, which is why many pastors wish there were a counseling equivalent of SWAT teams.

How to Approach a Pile of Clutter:
Now if you are at an impasse in your relationship, then you need to recognize that your pile of clutter is almost certainly the result of two piles of clutter that merged. And if you come to the realization that you have a significant amount of unconfessed sin in your life, then—returning to our text—do not start with the other person’s pile of clutter.

If they need to be motivated, if they need to see how easy it is to do, then here’s an idea. Show them how. You’ve got your own pile. Confess your own sins. Astonish the world.

“He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: But whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy” (Prov. 28:13).

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9).

A Third Party
We need to realize that moralism doesn’t work in marriage any better than it works anywhere else. Moralism is a bust. High standards and traditional values are the ropes that sinners use to throttle one another. A spiritual home is a home full and overflowing with grace. And it is not possible for a marriage to be overflowing with grace unless it is overflowing with Christ.

And so Christ must be present in order for a marriage to be blessed. He need not be present for entropy to govern everything. He need not be present for your attic to fill up with useless clutter. He need not be present for pride to take over the atmosphere at the dinner table. He need not be present for conversations to grow snark and criticism the way gardens grow thistles. But He must be present for us to see all these things rightly.

The Covenant Home 3: Sketch of a Godly Husband

Joe Harby on September 5, 2015

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Introduction

Our sketch of a godly husband is not to be based upon a particular set of cultural assumptions, or on certain notions created by the false elevation of certain personality types. As with everything, we must turn to the Word of God for guidance.

The Text

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4).

A Man’s Caliber

We should begin by noting that a husband should love Jesus Christ above all—“If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple” (Luke 14:26). In the parallel passage in Matthew 10, Jesus uses the expression “loves more than me.” But here in Luke, He includes wives in the list. A man who loves his wife more than Jesus Christ cannot be Christ’s disciple. And if he is not Christ’s disciple, he will not be the kind of husband he ought to be. In other words, a wife with good sense will deeply desire to be second on the list of her husband’s priorities. In this sense, a wife who is loved as “number two” will receive a lot more sacrificial love than if she were number one.

Second, a husband must be a man, not a boy—“And I looked, and arose and said to the nobles, to the leaders, and to the rest of the people, ‘Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses’” (Neh. 4:14). But in order to qualify for the fight, God required maturity of males. “Take a census of all the congregation of the children of Israel, by their families, by their fathers’ houses, according to the number of names, every male individually, from twenty years old and above—all who are able to go to war in Israel” (Num. 1:2-3). In a church where marriage is valued highly, boys should want to be married before they sire ready to be married.

In order for this to happen, a husband needs to have been prepared —marriage is a help to vocation (1 Cor. 11:8-9). A man not prepared for vocation is not prepared for marriage.

The Way a Man Stands

A godly husband assumes masculine responsibility —a man must come into marriage understanding what it is, and where he stands in the relation he is establishing. In short, the vows should be in line with the teaching of federal husbandry, and he should understand the nature of the vows he makes. He enters into marriage fully expecting to exercise leadership. He knows how to make a decision.

A godly husband is monogamous to the bone—it is not good that man be alone, and God created one woman to fix the problem (Gen. 2:18). The creation order shows God’s design for marriage. The relation of Christ and the church shows God’s design for marriage (Eph. 5:21-33). The Bible requires Christian leaders to be monogamous (1 Tim. 3:2), and they are set before the church as examples (Heb. 13:7, 17). This obviously excludes adultery and lust, but it also excludes snide comparative comments.

A godly husband is tribal—this means that he thinks in terms of his ancestors and descendants. The Ten Commandments promise blessings to a thousand generations (Ex. 20:5). Godly men pursue God’s blessings. “Now Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, ‘Because I bore him in pain.’ And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, ‘Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!’ So God granted him what he requested” (1 Chron. 4:9- 10). He does not think in terms of raw accumulation, of collecting trophies. And he does not boast in putting on his armor as though he is taking it off.

A godly husband is industrious—this standard of industry is not determined by the union. It affects more than whether he does an adequate job “at work.” He does not sit for endless hours, staring slack-jawed at the tube. He is not a slug at home.

A godly husband provides food and clothing—in the Old Testament law, God placed a certain restriction on polygamy. A man could not steal certain things from his first wife by taking a second. We see the essential things God requires a man to provide for his wife. “If he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights” (Ex. 21:10).

A godly husband is sexually attentive—this is not the same as being sexually selfish. “Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2). He understands his wife and what she desires. He listens, and is thoughtful.

A godly husband is courageous—in Neh. 4:14, we saw the duty which men who are husbands and fathers have to fight to protect their homes. We have drifted into a mentality which seeks to find defense in unattached boys. We use eighteen-year-old boys as cannon fodder. But in the biblical mentality, a society goes to war, represented in it.

The Covenant Home 2: Common Sins in Marriage

Joe Harby on August 30, 2015

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Introduction

As we consider some common sins committed in marriage by both men and women, remember the context of federal headship. The responsibility for all these sins lies with the husband. A woman can and should recognize her individual sins before the Lord; her husband’s overarching responsibility should in no way lessen her sense of personal and individual responsibility. Properly understood, it should have precisely the opposite effect.

The Text

“For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was” (Jas. 1:23).

On Seeing the Back of Your Head

The Word of God is given to us in order to enable us to see ourselves. Apart from this, we cannot really see ourselves. When we examine our own hearts, there are many parts of it which we cannot see. In order to see ourselves properly, we always have to hold up the mirror of the Word. This is particularly true in marriage.

Common Sins of Husbands

First is refusing responsibility. As we saw last week, the man is the head (1 Cor. 116 ). His only option therefore is whether he will accept or refuse to face that fact of headship. Many Christian men refuse, and it shows in their marriages.

A second problem is that of refusing to be masculine—In 1 Cor. 16:13 , Paul charges the Corinthians to be courageous in their sanctification. The word he uses is literally act the man. Especially in the arena of marriage, men need to learn to be men.

Third, a common problem is infidelity in the heart. Jesus’ words are well-known. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:28). This includes, but is not limited to, lust provoked by magazines, co-workers, daughters and wives of friends, Internet images, movies, songs, daydreams, or anything else you might be able to come up with.

Then there is the problem of harsh bitterness. Paul goes out of his way to tell husbands that love includes a refusal to be embittered by the behavior of their wives (Col. 3:19). Fifth, we cannot leave out the common problem of being a blockhead. Women are complicated beings. Peter requires husbands to treat their wives according to knowledge (1 Pet. 3:7). The Word of God does not permit you to fail this course. Men must study their wives.

Sixth, there is the problem of poor provision. Paul says that poor financial provision for one’s family is tantamount to apostasy (1 Tim. 5:8). This is the case regardless of the reason how the provision failed. An essential element in provision is forethought. And when there is a genuine hard providence—a meteor landed on your business—remember the first principle above.

And last, laziness—one particular reason why many men do not provide adequately for their wives is laziness. “He who has a slack hand becomes poor, but the hand of the diligent makes rich” (Prov. 10:4). This is followed by the close second of excuse-making.

Common Sins of Wives

A very common sin is that of disrespect. God commands that a wife respect her husband (Eph. 5:33). Many wives do not read all those marriage books because they are zealous for righteousness; they read them in order to get more ammo to use on their husbands. Further, they want their husbands to love them unconditionally, but they then return their owed respect conditionally.

Second, there is resentment. While men tend to harsh bitterness, women tend to hurt bitterness. In the emotional realm, women bruise easily (1 Pet. 3:7). Some have concluded from this, falsely, that women have a right to any offense. But in Eph. 4:31-32, Paul tells us what we must do with the sins committed against us. It is as much a sin to be offended as it is to offend.

Third, a common sin is to think as the foolish women do. Many men struggle under numerous temptations for a time, only to have the wife join the dogpile. For example, Job’s wife encouraged him to let go of his integrity, to curse God and die (Job 2:9).
A fourth problem is the “little helper syndrome.” The Bible says that woman was made for the man (1 Cor. 11:8), and she was given to him to be a helpmeet (Gen. 2:20). But nowhere does the Bible say that the Holy Spirit needed a helpmeet. “Let’s see. Where can I find someone to help convict this man of his sins. . . ?”

Another is poor sexual responsiveness. Paul teaches us that one of the purposes of marriage is to provide protection against the manifold temptations out there to immorality (1 Cor. 7:2). But not only are many Christian wives not a help here, they are a positive hindrance. Remember though, the model is to be the Shulamite, and not the latest survey results in some bizarre women’s magazine.

In conservative circles, there can be the problem of pseudo-submissiveness. Many wives want their husbands to take the initiative, seize the leadership… as long as they do what the wife would have wanted them to. But see Eph. 5:24.

And last, there is carping, whining and quarreling. Solomon tells us that the contentions of a wife are an ongoing pain-in-the neck (Prov. 19:13). “But I just wanted him to hear my concerns. Just one more time.”

The Covenant Home 1: The Meaning of Federal Marriage

Joe Harby on August 23, 2015

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Introduction

For various reasons, the word federal is grossly misunderstood today. But our word comes from the Latin word foedus, which means covenant. Thus a federal union, or confederated association, should be understood as one bound by covenant oaths and loyalties. As Christians who understand the importance of covenants in the Bible, we should set ourselves to understand the meaning of federal marriage. This is just another way of saying covenant marriage.

The Texts

“But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3).

“For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body” (Eph. 5:23).

The Face of Marriage Covenants

Some might want to assume that as Reformed Christians we simply have covenants on the brain, finding them everywhere in Scripture. You know, covenant peanut butter and covenant jelly. But this message is not an example of a systematic covenant theology running amok. The Bible speaks to us on this issue plainly.

The adulteress is described in Proverbs as one who forsook the companion of her youth, the covenant of her God (Prov. 2:17). The men in Malachi who complained to God about His lack of responsiveness to their prayers were told that it was because of how they treated their wives. Their wives were described as being their wives by covenant (Mai. 2:14). Marriage is described in the Bible as a covenantal institution. But much more is involved in this than just the word covenant.

The Meaning of Federal Headship

Closely related to the concept of the covenant is the idea of headship. The Bible gives us two important examples of what we might call federal headship. A covenant head is not the same thing as “a boss.”

First, consider what the Bible says about Adam. The relation that exists between us and our father Adam is a covenantal one. Because we are organically connected to him by covenant, when he sinned in the garden, we all sinned as represented in him. He sinned covenantally. “But like men [literally. like Adam] they transgressed the covenant; there they dealt treacherously with Me” (Hos. 6:7 ). And in his sin, we sinned.

We see the same thing with the second Adam. God in His mercy brought us out of sin the same way we were plunged into it. Because the sin of the first Adam condemned us, the obedience of the second Adam rescued us.

“Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those who had not sinned according to the likeness of the transgression of Adam, who is a type of Him who was to come. But the free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many” (Rom. 5:14-15).

“And so it is written, The first man Adam became a living being/The last Adam became a life-giving spirit” (1 Cor. 15:45).

“For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ all shall be made alive” (1 Cor. 15:22 ). When we put all this together, what do we see? Both Adam and Christ are described as the representative or covenantal heads of their people. This is how our sins can be imputed to Christ, and how His righteousness can be imputed to us.

Application to Marriage

Returning to our texts, we see that the husband has a comparable relation to his wife as the one which exists between Christ and His people. This relation Paul describes as one of headship. Because marriage is a covenant union, and because the husband is the head of the wife, this means that his headship is a federal headship. He is a covenant head. We must first grasp what this does not mean. Before authority in marriage can be understood, we must get free of all our individualism. In marriage, we do not have two separated individuals, with one of them in charge. Rather, we have an organic union which is instructed not to be schizophrenic. All “macho man” foolishness is inconsistent with what is described here.

This eliminates the blame game. It means that a husband can no more blame his wife for the state of their marriage than a thief can blame his hands. As Christ assumed responsibility for things He didn’t do, so husbands should be willing to do the same for their wives. How? The place to start is in your prayers.

This sheds light on the central duty of husbands, which is to love as Christ loved the Church. For many Christians this simply means that Christ loved the Church “a lot” and that husbands should strive to do the same. But what it means is that husbands should love their wives federally, the way Christ loved the Church. We may begin to point out what this means, but there will always be far more than this.

A husband’s love should seek to be efficacious love—Christ loved the Church in a way which transformed her. He should embody an incarnational love—Christ’s love for His

Church was literally embodied in His sacrificial life. He seeks to display a responsible love—Christ took on all the sins of His people, And last, it is an instructional love— Christ washes His Church with the Word, as should husbands.

Spiritual Disciplines III: Work

Joe Harby on March 17, 2013

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Introduction

God breathed the breath of life in Adam, and he became a living soul (Gen. 2:7). Having created him as a living soul, He gave him an abundance of food to eat (Gen. 1:29). The third thing that happened was that God gave him a task (Gen. 2:15). His immediate task was to tend the Garden, and his long term task was to subdue the entire earth. So there we have the full curriculum of the spiritual disciplines—breathe, eat, work.

The Text

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth” (Gen. 1:27-28).

Summary of the Text

Notice that the creation of man as male and female was essential to the task that was later assigned. First, mankind as male/female is how we bear the image of God (v. 27). Mankind was given dominion over the earth as the vice- gerent of God, and if we are stopped and asked what authority we have for doing this or that, we must show our papers. And what are those papers? The answer is the fact that we bear the image of God. All attempts by evolutionists to deny that we are created in the image of God are either attempts to abdicate the task entirely, or are attempts to usurp the authority from God, and to rule in our own name. It is usually the latter.

The dominion and stewardship that Adam was called to exercise was absolutely dependent upon the wife he was given. Prior to Eve’s formation from the rib, he could have been told to trim a bush, or cut a path, or build a monument. He could have done such things by himself. But the globe was always going to be enormous, and Adam would have remained a solitary guy. The command was to be fruitful and multiply. How could Adam do that by himself ? He could not. If Adam was commanded to dig a hole, he could have figured out a way to do it. But he was commanded to replicate himself.

A True Image

This is why incidentally, the whole debate over homosexual marriage is an instance of high rebellion, and is not just a public indulgence of a petty vice. In response to such follies, our task is to present the image of God accurately, as well as to present a living model of Christ and the Church. We have the privilege, in our marriages, to testify both to creation and redemption. Marriage is high theology.

The Cultural Mandate

Man therefore has a right to tend and supervise what is happening on the earth. Good stewardship is our responsibility, assigned by God. This awesome responsibility was made much more difficult and complicated when our race fell into sin. The task was now far beyond us, but the task was not removed from us. After the judgment of God that fell on the earth with the Flood, this cultural mandate was repeated (Gen. 9:1). Despite our sin, we still have all the same responsibilities. Because this is our house, we are the ones who have to mow the lawn.

But God saw our inabilities and promised a Messiah, one who would enable us to fulfill and discharge the responsibility that He gave to us. Even after the Fall, the psalmist is amazed at the dominion responsibility that God gave to man (Ps. 8:6). And the author of Hebrews notes that it was not until Christ came that the true fulfillment of this was even remotely possible (Heb. 2:8-9). We do not yet see everything subject to man, the way it ought to be, but . . . we see Jesus.

A Caution

Unconverted men do not want to follow God’s order. They want to be saved “by works,” which means ultimately, that they believe the order is work, live, eat. But we are not saved by good works, but rather we are saved to good works (Eph. 2:8-10). God gives life first, strength second, and the task last. To this I labor, Paul says, struggling mightily with the energy He supplies (Col. 1:29). And in another place he says that we are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, for God is at work in us, to will and to do according to His good pleasure (Phil. 2:12-13). Work out what God works in—that is, life and strength. Lots of good works, but no autonomous good works. It is all grace.

Another Caution

As we exercise stewardship, we have to be extremely careful to pay attention to the boundaries of our stewardship, which are marked out by God in the institution of private property (Ex. 20:15). Just the prohibition of adultery presupposes the institution of marriage, so also the prohibition of stealing presupposes the institution of private property. And the state has no more right to confiscate property willy-nilly than the sultan has the right to gather up his nation’s wives into his harem.

Man in Microcosm

Adam and Eve are the paradigmatic couple. The way they got married sets the pattern for all mankind—a man shall leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife, and the two become one flesh (Matt. 19:5). Paul applies this to the matter of calling and vocation as well (1 Cor. 11:8-9). The man was made for the task, and the task of the woman was the man. The man tends the garden, and the woman tends the man. These are not watertight categories, obviously, but Scripture does describe this authoritatively as being our foundational orientation.

Baskets of Fruit are Heavy

Now the thing that we are to take away from this pattern of breathe, eat, work is that the task of mankind is that of management. We do not create wealth ex nihilo—we manage it as it comes off the tree. We are stewards of a multiplying world.

This world needs to trimmed, managed, shepherded, replenished, and we are to do it in the name of Jesus and a good amount of sweat. The institution of work is a pre-fall institution, just like marriage is. We are to learn how —in Christ—to resist and overcome the effects of the Fall on our labors. And the more we do, the more it multiplies.