At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Ps. 16: 11)
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: But grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).
This proverb teaches us that the tongue has the capacity to avert quarrels, and to start them up.
The first half of the proverb has to do with the averting. In this situation, the wrath is incoming, but it is already there. Someone is angry with you about something, and when the conversation starts, they are coming in hot. Perhaps it was something you said or did, or also perhaps it was something that they thought you said or did. Let’s take the latter scenario, as it illustrates nicely the principle taught by the proverb.
Let us say that a well-meaning friend told this person that you had said xy and z, when you had not said that. You had said the opposite, and your well-meaning friend sometimes gets things garbled. But the person he told it to doesn’t know that, assumed it to be true, and it made him angry. This is why he comes after you, already angry. Now it is quite true that he should have remembered Proverbs 18:17, and if he had done, he would have come with questions instead of accusations. But alas, he is already angry when he arrives. If this sin of his makes you angry, and you respond in kind, then what you will have at the end of the day is a completely unnecessary fight. If you answer the initial charge softly, you have an opportunity to deescalate the situation, after which your angry friend apologizes. Well, sometimes he apologizes.
The second half of the proverbs tells us that grievous words also have the capacity to stir up anger. This would be the situation where you are the one who might be the instigator. So avoid overstating. Avoid hyperbole. Avoid words like always and never. Avoid grievous words. One of the reasons why people get defensive is that they see no other way to survive it. The cutting words they are hearing leave absolutely no slack.
So soft words have the ability to deescalate. And grievous words have the ability to escalate, and to do so from a standing stop.
