At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Ps. 16: 11)

“Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.” (Proverbs 19:18).

While There is Hope

There are two basic truths about child rearing that we glean from this proverb. The first is that time is a real issue, and the second is that the response of the child might create a temptation to forget that time is a real issue.

One of the things I came to realize when I was building my house was a fundamental reality about pouring concrete. This was true whether you were talking about a foundation, or a sidewalk, or a patio, or steps. The good thing about working with concrete is that, no matter what, two hours later you are all done. The concrete sets, and that means that it must be worked before it sets. This proverb tells us that there is a way in which children are like this. Work with your son while you have time. While there is hope. While the sun is still up and the concrete is still wet.

The way that you work the child/concrete is by means of chastening. That is one of the central things you do with the time that you have.

The second thing we learn from this proverb is that a child is concrete that can talk back, argue, cry, or wail. This is concrete that does not like to be worked. The child has negative opinions about being worked. Parents should not be surprised when a child is being noisy about it.

The message of Scripture here is plain. Do not be deterred. Do not lighten up because the concrete prefers a rough texture and would rather not be that smooth.

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At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Ps. 16: 11)

“The lot causeth contentions to cease, and parteth between the mighty” (Proverbs 18:18).

“Casting lots causes contentions to cease, and keeps the mighty apart” (Proverbs 18:18, NKJV).

When a dispute has arisen, and it looks intractable, and that means that major conflict appears to be inevitable, then perhaps that is a time when someone should suggest that they just flip for it.

This obviously would not work for some controversies, but I think we might be surprised at how many times it could work. There are controversies where neither side is all that eager for the conflict, but they like the look of “backing down” even less. They don’t want the dispute, but they don’t want to look weak either. Perhaps they have friends who are looking at them with a judgmental eye. Perhaps the wife thinks he ought to be more assertive. He doesn’t want to seem like a pushover.

What the proposal to “flip for it” does is provide a face-saving way around the conflict. As the proverb puts it, this is a good way to make contentions cease.

Not only is this the case, but it would not just work on ten-year-old boys. The proverb tells us that this is a technique that can keep the mighty apart. Now I understand that we might not want our diplomats at major peace talks to go out into the hallway to do the rock paper scissors thing, especially when there is a genuine matter of principle involved. We never want to flip on whether or not to do a righteous thing or not.

But how many times has an opportunity for resolution been squandered because we were unwilling to try something that Scripture says could work. When there needs to be conflict, then let there be conflict. But there are times when there doesn’t need to be conflict, and perhaps we should be a little more willing to pull out a quarter.

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At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Ps. 16: 11)

“He that hath knowledge spareth his words: And a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit” (Proverbs 17:27).

There are different variations on this theme. One American proverb says that it is better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

But this proverb is a bit different. The one who is in actual possession of real knowledge is economical with his words. He spares his words. Someone who is garrulous is not demonstrating insight to the whole world, but rather the opposite. The person with knowledge does not feel the need to unload the entire truck. He can look at his supply of words, select the best ones for the occasion, and bring them out as appropriate. And, as is the case in other areas as well, less is more.

This proverb is structured as a parallelism, not as a contrast. This means that the one with knowledge is paired with the “man of understanding,” and the one who “spareth his words” is paired with having an “excellent spirit.”

And this means that being economical with your words should not be confused with being taciturn and truculent. If a man goes to a party, and stands in the corner all evening with a little black rain cloud over his head, the few words (or grunts) that he utters are not a sign of an excellent spirit. Quite the opposite.

Rather, he places his words the same way that an excellent craftsman would place jewels in an intricately wrought ornament. “A word fitly spoken Is like apples of gold in pictures of silver” (Prov. 25:11). Just like real estate, the value of a word spoken the right way at the right time is a matter of location, location, location.

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At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Ps. 16: 11)

“Whoso mocketh the poor reproacheth his Maker: And he that is glad at calamities shall not be unpunished” (Proverbs 17:5).

The Germans have a special word to describe the sin that this proverb targets. That word is schadenfreude, and it means to take pleasure or joy in the misfortune of another. For some, this is vindictive or vengeful, and would apply when the one suffering the misfortunate was an adversary of some sort. But for others it is more general. The person who takes this pleasure is simply someone who likes to hear about disasters.

This sin is addressed by the second half of the proverb. The one who rejoices over misfortunes is going to be punished for it. Even in the circumstance mentioned earlier, where the joy is brought about by the downfall of an enemy . . . even there we are cautioned.
“Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: Lest the Lord see it, and it displease him, and he turn away his wrath from him” (Proverbs 24:17–18).
This expression of the principle assumes that it is likely the case that your enemy needs to receive what he is getting, and one of the reasons for not gloating is that the Lord might see that and lay off.

The first part of the proverb addresses what seems to be simple unkindness or cruelty. Someone is poor, and the mocker comes to add insult to injury. This kind of cruelty loves to punch down, and the Scriptures will have none of it.
“Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumblingblock before the blind, but shalt fear thy God: I am the Lord.” (Leviticus 19:14).
The Lord is tender toward the poor and downtrodden, and He expects the very same demeanor from us.

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At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore (Ps. 16: 11)

“A soft answer turneth away wrath: But grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

This proverb teaches us that the tongue has the capacity to avert quarrels, and to start them up.

The first half of the proverb has to do with the averting. In this situation, the wrath is incoming, but it is already there. Someone is angry with you about something, and when the conversation starts, they are coming in hot. Perhaps it was something you said or did, or also perhaps it was something that they thought you said or did. Let’s take the latter scenario, as it illustrates nicely the principle taught by the proverb.

Let us say that a well-meaning friend told this person that you had said xy and z, when you had not said that. You had said the opposite, and your well-meaning friend sometimes gets things garbled. But the person he told it to doesn’t know that, assumed it to be true, and it made him angry. This is why he comes after you, already angry. Now it is quite true that he should have remembered Proverbs 18:17, and if he had done, he would have come with questions instead of accusations. But alas, he is already angry when he arrives. If this sin of his makes you angry, and you respond in kind, then what you will have at the end of the day is a completely unnecessary fight. If you answer the initial charge softly, you have an opportunity to deescalate the situation, after which your angry friend apologizes. Well, sometimes he apologizes.

The second half of the proverbs tells us that grievous words also have the capacity to stir up anger. This would be the situation where you are the one who might be the instigator. So avoid overstating. Avoid hyperbole. Avoid words like always and never. Avoid grievous words. One of the reasons why people get defensive is that they see no other way to survive it. The cutting words they are hearing leave absolutely no slack.

So soft words have the ability to deescalate. And grievous words have the ability to escalate, and to do so from a standing stop.

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