Christ Church

Marriage Tune-Up

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Introduction

Many of us are getting our houses and vehicles ready for winter weather, and so why not our marriages? It’s easy to fall into ruts and habits that just seem normal when in fact they are wearing on us and harming our families in ways we do not realize. Likewise, many poor habits leave us incredibly vulnerable when trials and difficulties hit. The question is not whether you will face trials, the only question is when. Will your marriage be ready when the storms come?

The Texts

“And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” Colossians 3:17-18

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.” 1 Peter 3:7-9

Fellowship with One Another

John says that if we walk in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin (1 Jn. 1:7). This is not a magical thing, as John proceeds to explain that this has everything to do with regularly confessing our sins (1 Jn. 1:9). The flip side of this is regularly forgiving those who confess their sins to us (Mt. 18:21-22, Lk. 17:4). This is the secret of Christian fellowship in general and Christian marriage in particular. Doing everything in the name of the Lord Jesus and walking in such a way as to inherit a blessing are ways of describing Christian fellowship. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you don’t sin anymore. Being a Christian means you know what to do about sin. The difference between a clean house and messy house is that in the clean house they pick up. Confession of sin and forgiveness is like taking out the trash and doing the dishes. It’s what you do. For Christians to act shocked and befuddled when sin happens is like being surprised when the two year old drops a meat ball on the floor. That’s just what two year olds do. And remember, there’s no sin that you can’t make worse by denying it, trying to hide it, lying about it or blustering or blaming for it. Just confess it and forgive it quickly. Take out the trash. And remember, practice makes perfect. So what are you practicing?

Fellowship with God & One Another

Confession and forgiveness flow from fellowship with God (Eph. 4:32) and therefore they are prerequisites for enjoying fellowship with God: “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift” (Mt. 5:23-24). You cannot come into church to fellowship with God while being out of fellowship with other believers, especially your spouse. Paul says that when there are divisions within the church, whatever we’re doing with the bread and wine, it is not the Lord’s Supper (1 Cor. 11:18-20). Better to be 15 minutes late and actually participate in church than to arrive on-time to only pretend to. This is why Peter warns husbands to honor their wives that their prayers be not hindered (1 Pet. 3:7). It may be that Peter is saying that harsh husbands won’t know how to pray, but it seems more likely that Peter is saying that God will only listen to a man as well as he listens to his wife. The same principle should apply to any sort of fellowship gathering. Don’t pretend fellowship with others while being out of fellowship yourselves.

Fellowship & Difference

Understand deep in your bones the difference between being out of fellowship and not having the exact same opinion about everything. You must not go to bed angry at your spouse (or anyone for that matter) (Eph. 4:26), but sometimes you really do need to go to bed and get a full night’s sleep before you’ll be able to think and communicate your various convictions about which math curriculum is the most Reformed. Do not be threatened by differences of opinion or perspective. The glory of heterosexuality is the glory of difference. Some of our differences are sexual, some are personality, others are cultural or experiential. But marriage is signing up to live with someone different from you. This is a blessing if received in faith and obedience. So do not be threatened or alarmed at different perspectives. Husbands, honor your wives. Honor their opinions. Listen to their input. And wives, recognize that you signed up to follow this man’s lead. You must give your input respectfully and then, like Trumpkin, know the difference between giving counsel and taking orders.

Sweet Fellowship

Marriage should be full of sweet fellowship. Review the descriptions of Christian fellowship surrounding some of the particular commands for husbands and wives (Col. 3:12-14, 1 Pet. 3:8-9). A Christian marriage must not be characterized by bickering, arguing, raised voices, eye rolling, biting words, sarcasm, or frustration. A Christian marriage is singled out to represent Christ and His Bride. It is to be characterized by mercy, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, forbearing, forgiveness, love, like-mindedness, compassion, courtesy, and blessing. And if you say, well, we don’t argue in public (but your home is frequently a place of argument), that’s what we call hypocrisy. Your children can see the difference, and you are telling lies to them. You are telling lies about what matters, about what God sees, about what marriage is like. Not a few kids grow up in so-called Christian homes and want nothing to do with that sort of thing by the time they leave. A Christian marriage is becoming something of rarity (much to our shame). But a Christian marriage should be one of the most striking things for unbelievers to see: two different people who are strong and intelligent who deeply respect one another and love being with one another.

What You Signed Up For

Husbands, you signed up to learn how to love one woman well. This is what you are commanded to do. In order to do this you must be a student of your wife. This implies that you don’t understand her, and yet you must begin to. And very closely related to this, you must not grow bitter at her or resent her weaknesses but rather you must honor her, think highly of her, and speak graciously to her. The model for this kind of love is Jesus, and this means that studying your wife does not mean giving her everything she asks for. If Jesus gave us everything we asked for, we’d all be doomed. In this is love, not that we knew what we needed, but that God knew what we needed and sent His Son for our sins. Husbands, you must love your wives like that with joy.

Wives, your task is to submit to your own husbands and to let them love you like Christ loves the Church. Your temptation is to resent their faltering attempts to love you, rather than respecting the great difficulty it is to actually love you biblically. Recognize that there’s more than a little Hollywood in your hearts that you need to get rid of. While a real man imitating the real love of Christ is certainly courteous, it’s also deeply offensive to modern sensibilities. Do not look sideways at the other men or marriages. Look at your man and respect him in the Lord. The Lord gave you that man, and despite his weaknesses and sin, he is the one God has instructed to love you. Respect that. Honor that. And submit to him in the Lord with joy.

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More Highly Than He Ought

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Introduction

God has given us eyes to see with and, even with a mirror, it can be difficult to look at them. The same thing is true—and in spades—when it comes to the eyes of our soul. We use these eyes to look at absolutely everything . . . except the act of ourselves, looking. We see everything except how our seeing is colored by our circumstances. To grow past partial blindness is a profound step in spiritual maturation.

The Text

“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: So we, being many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith; Or ministry, let us wait on our ministering: or he that teacheth, on teaching; Or he that exhorteth, on exhortation: he that giveth, let him do it with simplicity; he that ruleth, with diligence; he that sheweth mercy, with cheerfulness” (Rom. 12:1-8).

Summary of the Text

We are encouraged here to submit ourselves to the Lord, in both body and mind. We are told—in the name of God’s mercies—to present our bodies as a living sacrifice to God (v. 1). And as a sacrifice offered to Him, it must not be defiled—not by porn sites, not by immodest dresses, not by lascivious entertainment, and not by unclean joking around. If your body is constantly on the altar, and it is, then make sure it is not a blemished offering. The second thing is to present your minds to God, for Him to shape them. The alternative is that of having the world shape your mind. Offering your mind to Him in order to be shaped will prove the will of God (v. 2). Notice that the world wants to defile your body, but wants to shape your mind. Having told us not to have our minds molded by the world, he then goes on to tell us what it would look like if our minds were to be shaped by the world (v. 3). It would look like each man thinking of himself more highly that he ought. We can see from this that the world is a lying flatterer, and is whispering constantly. Go ahead. Believe in yourself. You can do it.

God’s alternative to this comes to us in the reality of body life. We are many members of one body (v. 4). We all, being many, make up one body (v. 5), which means that we are members of one another.

We have gifts that differ, Paul says (v. 6), and they differ according to the grace of God. This is important—note it well. If we are prophets, let us do that by faith. If it is ministry or service, then let us do that (v. 7). If it is teaching, then we should be teaching. If exhortation, then our duty is exhortation (v. 8). The same goes for generosity, but keep it simple. A ruler should rule, and with diligence. Someone with the gift of mercy should make a point to be cheerful.

What Paul Did Not Say

Ours gifts do not differ according to the obstinacy of that other fellow over there, doggedly exercising a gift different from mine. Imagine the cussedness of an ear that refuses to see, as everyone knows we all must (1 Cor. 12:14-21). “And if they were all one member, where were the body?” (1 Cor. 12:19).

Notice what Paul did not argue:

“Having then gifts that differ according to others refusing to be like us, if you are a prophet, then all should prophesy; if you are in service, then you must demand that all pitch in the same way you have done; if you are a teacher, then it is necessary to complain about how ignorant everyone is; if you have the gift of exhortation, then exhort everyone to join with you in exhorting; if you are generous, then this is the baseline for everyone else’s generosity, and make sure to keep track of it all; if you are a ruler, then use the laziness of others as an excuse; if you are in mercy work, make sure to complain about how unloving all the regular Christians are.”

Our temptation is to measure other Christians by the length of our own gifts. First, recognize your gift. Then inflate that assessment. Then take stock of how far ahead of other Christians you are. You might not see as well as you think, but you do see way better than the ear does. But actually . . . perhaps not.

Recognize that when you see a need, this is not given to you so that you might blame everybody else for not meeting it. Your ability to identify a need should be taken by you as an indication from God on what you ought to be doing. If you look around at the body, and see a bunch of discouraged saints, then perhaps you have the gift of encouragement. If you see doctrinal ignorance, then perhaps you have the gift of teaching. If you see dirty bathrooms, perhaps you have the gift of helps.

More Highly Than He Ought

Now it is not possible to turn away from the shaping lies of the world without simultaneously turning toward Jesus Christ. The more you love and honor Jesus, the more you are becoming like His Father. And the more you love and honor Jesus, the less certain things will be happening.

Turning toward Christ means that you will be . . .

  • Less inflated in your self-assessment;
  • More sober in your self-assessment;
  • Less competitive with Christians with differing gifts;
  • Less autonomous and independent;
  • And finally free from the besetting sin of envy.

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Covenantal Contentment

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Introduction

Christians are called to contentment not merely because this is a good thing, but because it is a central component of joining God’s mission, of establishing His Kingdom here in this world, and learning to fight like Christians.

The Text

Paul is writing in a context of intense struggle in Philippi. There are enemies outside and there are challenges inside the Church, and Paul urges the Philippians to rejoice in all of it (Phil. 4:4). A Christian should be known for being calm and stable because they know that the Lord is present and near to them (Phil. 4:5). And therefore, we fight all anxiety through prayer: casting our cares on Christ, with thanksgiving (Phil. 4:6). When we pray like that, God’s promise is that His peace which passes all understanding will guard our hearts and minds through Christ (Phil. 4:7). This joyful resting in Christ is marked by a disciplined thought life: keeping a common place book of all the good things, true things, just things, lovely things, etc. (Phil. 4:8). This attentiveness should include imitating mature Christians like Paul – this is the path of God’s peace (Phil. 4:9). Finally, Paul models this joyful contentment by expressing his delight in the gift he recently received from the Philippians (Phil. 4:10). He was truly thankful but certainly not desperate for the gift because he had learned to be content in every situation because Christ strengthens him (Phil. 4:11-13).

Knowing God

Contentment in God requires that you actually know the God you are content in. Christian contentment is not contentment in whatever you imagine God to be like. You can say the word “contentment” a whole bunch, but if you are not resting in who God actually is, you are not actually learning Christian contentment. So, who is this God? He is the God who is set on taking this world from glory to glory. We see this beginning in the very first chapter of the Bible. God creates something good, and then He comes back the next day and restructures it and improves it (Gen. 1). If you had been there watching, you might have been tempted to urge God to stop. If the Light was good, why make the firmament or the sun, moon, and stars? If the dry ground and seas were good, why add animals and fish? What we see in the creation week is the beginning of God’s pattern of taking good things and making them better. This is the God we rejoice in and remain calm in. This is God is not far off. He is near.

The same pattern follows through the rest of Scripture, particularly in God’s covenantal dealings with His people. The covenant with Noah grows into the glory of the covenant with Abraham, and that glory grows into the covenant with Moses, and that glory grows into the covenant with David. The glory of the covenant with David grows into the glory of the covenant under Ezra and Nehemiah, and Christ is the culmination of all the covenants in the New Covenant. Paul says that when we see the gospel unfolding and culminating in Christ, we are being “changed into the same image from glory to glory” (2 Cor. 3:18). The whole Bible is the story of Christ: “Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his glory? And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself” (Lk. 24:26-27). The center of Christian contentment is the cross of Jesus, in which God broke the best thing in order to make an even better one.

How Does Covenantal Contentment Pray?

Paul says that Christian contentment is learned through prayer (Phil. 4:6). The pattern for Christian prayer is laid out in the Lord’s Prayer: “Our Father” means that we approach God as the One who made us and cares for us. He is not detached or distant. “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” means that we entrust our stories to His story. He has a plan that He is carrying out in this world that is wonderful, glorious, and all together lovely. His Kingdom and Will are taking this world (and us) from glory to glory. It’s in that context that we are invited to ask God for our daily bread. It’s actually pretty audacious of us to think that we know what we need, but God is our Father and He wants us to ask for what we think we need. But we are to do so first of all “with thanksgiving” (Phil. 4:6). This recognizes that what we have today is already from God’s hand, and whatever God gives for our daily bread is good. Nevertheless, we do want to be learning to pray in the will of God, toward the will of God. We want to pray, as far as we can help it, for those things that we see that would work toward the coming of Christ’s Kingdom. And this is why it is important that all of our requests include a spirit of surrender: yet not my will by Thy will be done (Lk. 22:42, Js. 4:15).

Militant Christian Contentment

Christian contentment is not apathetic, not stoic. Christian contentment, grounded in the mission of God, is militant. “And the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you” (Rom. 16:20). It is not merely that it’s a nice thing to have God’s peace. It is the peace of God that crushes Satan under your feet. When we pray with contentment, the promise is that the peace of God, which passes all understanding will guard our hearts and minds (Phil. 4:7). The peace of God is our armor, our fortress. Paul says elsewhere that we need to wear the gospel of peace on our feet (Eph. 6:15). The peace of Christ is what takes us into battle. You cannot fully participate in the mission of God without the peace of God. This is because the conquest of the gospel is a mission of healing and restoration, not destruction. The gospel is very disruptive to the old world, the old man, the old systems of sin, death, and the devil. But it destroys that slavery, those strongholds in order to establish freedom, joy, and peace. And therefore, you cannot be a peacemaker if you are not already a fortress of peace and contentment. One of the greatest meditations on Christian contentment is The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment by the puritan pastor Jeremiah Burroughs, who preached this series of sermons in the middle of the English Civil War.

Conclusions

At the center of our text, Paul says to meditate on the true, honest, just, pure, and virtuous things. In fact, the word means to reckon or impute. It can simply mean to think about, but this is how the word is frequently used: Abraham believed God, and He reckoned it to him as righteousness (Rom. 4:22). Paul goes on: “Now it was not written for his sake alone that it was imputed to him, but also for us. It shall be imputed to us who believe in Him who raised up Jesus our Lord from the dead…” (Rom. 4:23-24). God imputes the righteousness of Christ to us who believe in Him, and if you understand that, you begin to imitate that, which is gospel war.

 

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A City With Walls: Self-Government & All Governments

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Introduction

We live in an age ruled by passions and lusts. We are cities broken down without walls. As Christians, we need to constantly remember that the source of this anarchy is the heart of man. Unless the heart of man is regenerated so that it can be self-governed by the Spirit of Christ, all other governments will fall.

Various Texts: “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls” (Prov. 25:28). “Now as he reasoned about righteousness, self-control, and the judgment to come, Felix was afraid…” (Acts 24:25). “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit” (Gal. 5:22-25). “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put my Spirit within you and cause you to walk in my statutes, and you will keep my judgments and do them” (Ez. 36:26-27).

Deep Water

On the one hand, we know that the “heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?” (Jer. 17:9). And the following verse says that the Lord searches the heart and tests the mind. But this doesn’t let us off the hook. Proverbs says, “Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Prov. 20:5). So it really is like deep water in our hearts, but a man of understanding lets down the bucket of God’s Word (Js. 1:25). In other words, the dominion mandate/Great Commission includes our own hearts. If we have been given rule over all creation and commissioned to disciple the nations (and we have, cf. Gen. 2:28, Ps. 8, Mt. 28), this includes self-dominion, self-government, self-discipleship. But this is still an odd and challenging endeavor. How do you look at you? How do you rule you? Or, how do you obey you rightly? This is highly mysterious, but the Bible says that it can and must be done: “The spirit of man is the lamp of the Lord, searching all the depths of his heart” (Prov. 20:27). “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life” (Prov. 4:23).

Good Hearts & Good Governments

The Bible teaches that this self-government is the first government, the foundational city for all cities. This is self-evident simply by the fact that all governments are made of people: families, churches, and nations. But the point really does need emphasis. You cannot get a just nation from unjust men. You cannot have a pure church made up of impure men. You cannot have a gracious family, if the hearts of the members of that family are not full of grace. Good laws are God’s gift to sinful men to constrain them, but long term, even the best laws will be overthrown by unrighteous men. No amount of outward constraint or pressure can create good men. Out of the heart “springs the issues of life.” Men cannot ultimately be other than what they are in their hearts: “every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit” (Mt. 7:17-18). So in the flesh, man is ruled by the flesh and therefore he does the works of the flesh (Rom. 6-7, Gal. 5). “So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God. But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His” (Rom. 8:8-9). The central stronghold of rebellion against God and His justice is in the citadel of the heart of man. Christ always conquers that city first and rebuilds it into a new city with walls, governed by His Spirit, to keep God’s law (Ez. 36:26-27). “But judgment will return to righteousness, and all the upright in heart will follow it” (Ps. 94:15).

Applications

Personal: You may or may not be able to keep rules, but unless you have the Spirit of Christ, you cannot please God. And it is only the pleasure of God that makes obedience a real joy and real freedom (Ps. 16:11). “Bless the Lord, all you His hosts, you ministers of His, who do His pleasure” (Ps. 103:21). Autonomy means “law unto self.” Fundamentally, this is the great war: between the true God who is Autonomous and every god-pretending heart that demands autonomy. You can never be happy in that state because you are at war with God. Lay down your arms, surrender to Christ, and begin to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). And when you do this, God will give you a new heart, and you will begin to take glad responsibility for your heart and its fruit, not in servile fear but in real joy and freedom.

Family: You cannot rule in your home rightly, if Christ is not ruling in your heart completely. “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3). Husbands, you cannot be a good head to your wife if you are not constantly submitting to your head in Christ. If you are unsubmissive to Christ, it doesn’t matter what you say, you are teaching rebellion. “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). Parents, you can only teach this discipline and culture of the Lord if you are practicing it. You cannot give what you do not have.

Church: Learning wise rule in the family is directly related to being able to rule in the church: An elder must be “one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?)” (1 Tim. 3:4-5). “Remember those who rule over you, who have spoken the word of God to you, whose faith follow, considering the outcome of their conduct… Obey those who rule over you, and be submissive, for they watch out for your souls, as those who must give account. Let them do so with joy and not with grief, for that would be unprofitable for you” (Heb. 13:7, 17). An elder is someone who is qualified to watch out for your soul because by the grace of God and power of the Spirit, he has been watching his own soul and the souls in his house. You know this by the outcome of his conduct. And this means you really do need to pray for them, and you need to let them meddle in your life.

Nation: “Now therefore, be wise, O kings; Be instructed, you judges of the earth. Serve the LORD with fear, and rejoice with trembling” (Ps. 2:10-11). This means that a king cannot be wise or rule well apart from the fear of the Lord ruling his heart. “Therefore I exhort first all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, for kings and all who are in authority, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and humility” (1 Tim. 2:1-2). Paul wrote this in the midst of the Roman Empire, and this is not political apathy. He preached “righteousness, self-control, and the judgment to come” to Governor Felix (Acts 24:25). Prayer is political activism because the king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, like rivers of water; He turns it wherever He wishes (Prov. 21:1).

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Anger

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Anger

Proverbs 22:24-25, “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul.”

Proverbs 14:29, “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, but he who is impulsive exalts folly.”

Hot Noses

What a good picture of anger – a hotness in the face. Something doesn’t go your way, seems to be unfair, seems not the way you want it to be, not the way that it should be, and you get hot in the face, and (according to Prov. 14:29) you get stupid.

Notice what this heat in the face is inspired by – some perception of injustice.

Two Kinds of Anger

This means that it is possible for anger to be right and godly. And it is possible for us to be consumed by an ungodly anger.

God is capable of great, righteous anger (Rom. 1:18, 9:22)

But then there is man’s anger (Gen. 4:3-8)

Other great moments in the anger of men –

Jonah 3:10-4:5. “And it got hot.”

Luke 15:28. “But he was angry and would not go in . . .”

Wrath of Man v. Wrath of God

So we see God getting angry with a perfect and righteous and holy anger. And then we see men getting sinfully angry, trying to justify their anger as right and good. James contrasts these two kinds of anger – James. 1:19-20.

First, we tell ourselves that a terrible injustice has been committed and that is what has provoked our anger.

Second, we tell ourselves that our anger, the heat of our outrage, is itself the solution to the problem.

Anger Damage

Rather than bring about correction, anger damages the situation. Anger also makes us incapable of letting go. When it is held on to and you refuse to let it go, it becomes bitterness.

Dealing with Anger

So how do we deal with the anger that rages in our hearts? First, we have to understand the difference between the anger of God and the anger of men (Rom. 12:17-19). Once you have a proper perspective, you will find yourself able to name your sin. Then once you’ve identified it, confess it. Now that you’re ready to be done sulking under the gourd tree, go into the party for heaven’s sakes. God didn’t appoint you to wrath, he appointed you to salvation (1 Thes. 5:9).

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