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Dealing with Difficult People (CC Downtown)
Christ Church on May 23, 2025
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Parenting Basics (Practical Christianity #8) (King’s Cross)

Christ Church on

INTRODUCTION

Think of the task of parenting like teaching a child how to ride a bike: When children are very young (0-5), you must do everything for them; in the middle years (6-11), they are beginning to make some choices with lots of guidance and correction; and in the later years (12-17), they are beginning to act independently, with the goal of sometime in late high school telling your child that they are free to do as they please in Christ.

The Text: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6)

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The central principle here is that training has a trajectory. We often say practice makes perfect, but it’s also true to say that practice tends to make permanent. What you practice with your children will become habitual.

Literally, the text says to “narrow” a child or if we think of Psalm 127’s picture of children as arrows, we might say “make straight” or “sharpen.” We are to do this shaping and sharpening particularly at the “mouth of his path.” We speak of the “mouth of a river” as the beginning or source, so this is emphasizing the early years of childhood as being particularly significant. And the goal is not merely adulthood but even faithfulness in old age. An older minister once said that parents get their report card when their grandchildren are walking with the Lord and thriving. But this goes further, suggesting that we are aiming for when they are grandparents, which would be to see your great-grandkids walking with the Lord.

WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG

When children are very young, faithful parenting means running a benevolent totalitarian dictatorship. You are teaching them initially simply what it means to be human. This will not crush their personalities; it will give them the raw material to develop their gifts and personalities. During these years, the fundamental instruction that God gives to children is to obey (Eph. 6:1). Obedience is right away, all the way, and cheerfully. Delayed obedience is disobedience. Incomplete obedience is disobedience. Fussing, stomping, eye-rolling, back-chatting obedience is disobedience. The reason for this is because God requires all of us to obey Him right away, all the way, and cheerfully.

During these years, spanking is most prevalent. Despite all the claims that spanking only teaches children to hit, Scripture says that “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). Sometimes parents wish there was some way to get to the soul of a child, and the Bible says, “If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol” (Prov. 23:14). Spanking should be calm, judicious, and include full restoration of fellowship. Remember too that spanking is really only effective as a tool of restoring joy and fellowship – which means that you must have a baseline of joy and fellowship.

THE ELEMENTARY YEARS

During the elementary years, children are beginning to have thoughts and opinions, but they still need a lot of coaching. In fact, think about good parenting as good coaching. These people just arrived here a few years ago, and they don’t know hardly anything. Good coaches must explain and practice, explain and drill, over and over (and over). This means that parents must prepare their children for the challenges they will face, like getting ready for the game. Many parents, fathers in particular, provoke their children to wrath by not preparing them for what they will face (Eph. 6:4). What can your children expect at school? What about birthday parties? Shopping? Church? Many times the failures of children are actually report cards for parents.

So practice obedience regularly. Talk through what it might look like to have guests over for dinner. Practice for church. Practice for birthday parties. Practice cheerful, immediate obedience. Play obedience games. Give opportunities for “do-overs.” Practice makes perfect and permanent. Jesus frequently promises rewards for obedience. There is no reason why parents cannot do the same. You shouldn’t be constantly bribing or threatening, but it’s fine to make obedience fun and rewarding.

Like good coaches, remember that encouragement and praise is potent, especially when dads do it. When God showed up at the baptism of Jesus, the example He gave us was His beaming pleasure, “This is my son in whom I am well pleased” (Mt. 3:17). Say it out loud; say it often: “I love you.” “I’m proud of you.” “You are beautiful/handsome.” As well as many hugs. And in this context teach and praise the glories of masculinity and femininity.

THE HIGH SCHOOL YEARS

As children transition into high school years, they really are beginning to practice adulthood. They are away from home more often with sports or school or jobs or friends. They still need your guidance, but they also need your respect and honor. Many parents talk to their teenagers in ways that they would never speak to another adult, maybe not even how you would speak to a teenager from another family. While children must still be submissive to their parents, the goal of parenting during these years ought to be fellowship, friendship, and building deep loyalty and trust.

While all media and entertainment and technology must be carefully limited and monitored when children are younger, during these years, there should be some careful practice with use of phones, social media, etc. They will be launching into the real world shortly and need to learn how to be wise with these tools. Use of monitoring software, time limits, filters, and so on can be very helpful for parents and older teens.

The goal is to be able to tell your son or daughter in late high school that they are free to do as they please in Christ. You want to let go of the bike and let them take a few turns in your driveway before they head out into the world.

CONCLUSION

The goal of Christian parenting is not merely that our children would survive. Our goal is that our children would thrive. We do not merely want to protect our children from bad influence; we want our children to be dangerous to unbelief and darkness.

No parents have ever done this perfectly, and all of this is only possible by the grace of God. That grace begins with repentance for sins. And there’s nothing quit so potent as parents who repent to and in front of their kids.

When you repent, you prove that this is not fundamentally about you or your authority; rather, it is about Christ and His authority.

Finally, remember that God’s grace always meets us where we are instead of where we should have been. That’s why it’s grace. And if you’re in a place with your kids where it’s been kind of bumpy or gnarly, start over now.

Grace is God’s gift of starting over. His mercies are new every morning because Christ died and rose again to make all things new.

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Older Children and Honoring Parents (Practical Christianity #7) (King’s Cross)

Christ Church on

INTRODUCTION

As we continue our series on Practical Christianity, this is a message for older teens, young adults, and college students about honoring parents. It is natural for this phase of life to present challenges because you are launching into adulthood, and your parents are just old enough now to not remember very well what it was like (ha).

There are responsibilities assigned to parents (like not being exasperating), but this is a message aimed at young people, and it is particularly aimed at this coming summer. Some of you will be going home for the summer, and on top of the ordinary growing up challenges, changes in proximity, time spent together, and different routines are new opportunities to practice honor.

The Text: “Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honor the face of the old man, and fear thy God: I am the LORD” (Lev. 19:32).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

The central command of Scripture for young people is to honor their parents, which is the first command with a blessing (Ex. 20:12, Dt. 5:16, Eph. 6:1-3). This honor is tied specifically to the fear of God, and failure to honor the age, experience, and wisdom of your parents, grandparents, and other older authorities in your life is to dishonor God Himself (Lev. 19:32). Here, the command is to “rise up” before those with grey hair (Lev. 19:32). It is still a sign of honor in culture to stand when someone of importance enters a room. This is a practical way to show honor to the “face” of elders. This requires respectful words, facial expressions, and tone of voice. All sarcasm, eye-rolling, and dismissive or disdainful talk is a direct assault on God Himself, whose law included the death penalty for reviling parents (Mk. 7:10).

Scripture ties honor and fear together in a number of places: “The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom; and before honor is humility” (Prov. 15:33). This means that humility is central to showing honor. You can’t learn wisdom if you don’t fear the Lord, and you can’t show honor if you don’t have humility. Humility means being teachable, being eager and willing to learn from your parents and elders, seeking their wisdom and counsel, listening carefully to them.

“Wherefore the Lord said, forasmuch as this people draw near me with their mouth, and with their lips do honor me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men” (Is. 29:13). Here the prophet describes how people are fully capable of superficial honor and fear. This is a form of flattery and manipulation: it is not from the heart, and it is only the bare minimum and perfunctory. It has the attitude of “I did what you said; now get off my back.” But God sees such insolence, and He is not mocked (Gal. 6:7).

WHEN YOU’VE LEARNED A BUNCH OF NEW STUFF

Part of growing up is figuring out that your parents don’t know everything and aren’t right about everything. And when you go off to rigorous Christian high schools and colleges or just adulthood, you will often find that you learn new things that you were never taught by your parents or maybe your parents even disagree with (e.g. Calvinism, baptism, eschatology, worship). The temptation is pride and/or resentment. But if you just learned it, and you really have grown in wisdom, part of what you also need to learn is humility. Do you now know everything? Are you now right about everything? Not hardly.

Also, remember that there’s nothing quite so rhetorically ineffective as a know-it-all sophomore. Humility is far more persuasive than haughtiness. Some of the stuff you learned might be worth sharing, but you should share it like some fantastic new food or game you discovered. Share it with love and joy. And if your folks aren’t into it, be gracious and patient, not surly.

GETTING ALONG

A lot of the challenges during these years swirl around freedom. If you lived away at college for the year and you go home for the summer, you will have had the freedom to set your schedule and make many of your own choices for 9 months, and then you might suddenly find yourself back home with your mom asking how late you plan to be out or your dad wondering why you’re sleeping till noon. (And just for the record, your pastor back at college is also wondering why you’re sleeping till noon.)

First off, if you’re going home for the summer, then prepare your heart to be under more authority for the summer. They will probably be paying for a lot of your food, not to mention a bunch of other stuff. If you’re living in their house, you need to submit to their house rules. If you’re still in high school and your parents basically provide everything, your central heart attitude needs to be deep gratitude. Don’t be a Dudley Dursley fussing about only having 36 birthday presents.

Second, the path to true freedom is taking responsibility. Freedom is not doing whatever you want whenever you want. That’s actually a form of tyranny: “As a roaring lion, and a ranging bear; so is a wicked ruler over the poor people” (Prov. 28:15). Someone who insists on doing whatever they want regardless of how it affects themselves or those around them is a roaring lion or a ranging bear. We might also call you a Democrat. Taking responsibility means using your time wisely, fulfilling your obligations (chores, jobs), thinking about how your actions/plans might affect those around you, and serving your family gladly. “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another” (Gal. 5:13).

Third, after getting your heart right and embracing your responsibilities, if your mom is still asking if you brushed your teeth, try having a cheerful (not exasperated) conversation about it. Remember, parents are people too.

CONCLUSION: MY LIFE FOR YOURS

The gospel in action can be described as “my life for yours.” Jesus is emphatic: “This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you” (Jn. 15:12). And how has Christ loved you? “But God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8). Christ displayed God’s love by laying His life down for sinners like us.

And the thing to note here is that the gospel is entirely one sided. You weren’t a worthy recipient of any of it. It was all grace. This is Christian love. “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?” (Mt. 5:46 ESV)

“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Pet. 3:8 ESV). So the charge is to honor your father and mother, and so be a great gospel blessing to them this summer.

This is not just “what you’re supposed to do,” it is a great blessing to them and that will be a great blessing to you.

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Forgiven Families (The Well-Pleased Father #4) (King’s Cross)

Lindsey Gardner on

Introduction

The oil of gladness that keeps the engine of fellowship running smoothly is forgiveness. The forgiveness of God in Christ is what motivates the forgiveness we extent to one another, as well as all the kindness and compassion.

Scripture is abundantly clear that those who call themselves Christians who will not forgive those who have wronged them, cannot be forgiven by God (e.g. Mt. 23ff). We pray this regularly: “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” This is not a “works righteousness,” as though we are trying to earn God’s forgiveness. It is rather the natural overflow of receiving God’s complete forgiveness.

The Text: “… Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:29-32).

 

Summary of the Text

Going back to the creation of the world, words (and therefore attitudes) are powerful: God created the universe with His Word, and since people are made in the image of God, our words and thoughts have the power to build up or tear down (Eph. 4:29). The Spirit hovered over creation in the beginning and filled the builders and craftsmen of the tabernacle (e.g. Ex. 31:3ff), and ungracious speech grieves Him (Eph. 4:30). Corrupt and destructive words flow out of bitterness, wrath, and anger (Eph. 4:31). Our ministry of grace and edification is to be full of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness, all because the Father has forgiven us (Eph. 4:32). Just as the Father is building His Church into a temple by His Spirit, the Spirit is working in and through His people to build generational families that reflect His glory.

 

As You Have Been Forgiven

How does the Father forgive His people?

“As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him” (Ps. 103:12-13).

“I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins” (Is. 43:25).

“Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? He retaineth not his anger forever, because he delighteth in mercy. He will turn again, He will have compassion upon us; He will subdue our iniquities; and Thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea” (Mic. 7:18-19).

“In whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace” (Eph. 1:7).

“To Him give all the prophets witness, that through His name whosoever believeth in Him shall receive remission of sins” (Acts 10:43).

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:9).

 

Forgiveness is a Promise

Forgiveness is a promise not a feeling. This is the basis of God’s forgiveness: His covenant promises of forgiveness are sealed in the blood of Jesus. If you wait until you feel like forgiving, you are making your feelings the standard and bitterness can often develop. But all human forgiveness is simply agreeing that the blood of Jesus was shed for that sin and promising to consider it paid for.

This is why it is important to confess your sins to God first and receive His forgiveness before going to your neighbor. Your neighbor is not actually taking away your sin (only God can do that). Sometimes a confession is trying to get out of a mere human what only God can do. This is the difference between “getting something off your chest” and reconciliation.

This is also why it is a high-handed blasphemy to refuse to forgive your neighbor; it is insisting that the blood of Jesus is not good enough.

In a healthy family, the words “please forgive me” should be relatively common to hear, followed quickly by the promise: “I forgive you.” And Jesus insists that we must forgive seventy times seven for the same offense (Mt. 18:21-22). This is part of being compassionate and tender-hearted. If you are honest with your own heart, you know the way sin and evil creeps in. You know how much you have been forgiven. As Jesus says, whoever is forgiven little will love very little, but whoever knows they have been forgiven much, will love much (Lk. 7:47).

And wherever forgiveness has not yet been asked for, you ought to have forgiveness waiting and ready for them. As far as it depends upon you, there should be grace in your hearts.

 

Applications

Generational Grace: “Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and to the fourth generation” (Ex. 34:7).

One of the ways we need to practice generational mercy is upstream as well as downstream. This means parents need to make sure they are not harboring any bitterness or resentment toward their own parents or anyone. As you forgive those who have sinned against you, you are passing down mercy rather than guilt to your own children and grandchildren.

Practice Restoration: Love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5). This is what we call “keeping short accounts.” As soon as sin happens, we want to be dealing with it as quickly as it happened (just like other spills and messes). Don’t let dark clouds hover over your kids (e.g. time outs, grounding, etc.). When discipline has occurred, make sure sin is confessed, forgiveness is extended, and fellowship is fully restored.

Sometimes you’ve practiced bitterness (or guilt), and those thoughts and feelings keep coming back. So have your gospel tennis racket ready to bat them away: Christ died for that. And in place of those old thoughts and words, put on gratitude, compassion, and kindness. Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely… meditate on those things, with the smiling pleasure of your Father at the center of all of it.

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